I get about an Email a week from grateful readers of Web of Lies, many of whom are in the same dire situation I found myself in not so long ago.
For many, the path is not so easy as it was for me. When there are children involved, extraction may not always be as simple as it is desirable.
For all of you who still have to deal with a toxic person because of the kids, I wish you much strength, for I know it cannot be easy.
I count myself amongst the lucky ones. Not only did we escape from the marriage, but thankfully the toxic person has had the good sense to keep away from us ever since. Not so easy to explain to the kids sometimes, but I'm still eternally grateful that I no longer have such negative energy in my life. One day, the kids will understand that too......
'No contact' is one of the mantras you'll hear time and again when you research how you should get away from a toxic personality. It's probably the best advise you'll get. But sometimes, just because there's no contact.....doesn't mean there's no contact.
What's she on about? I hear you cry.....well, I'll try to explain.
I was once told ( by an eminent psychologist) 'You can remove the name from the child....but you can never remove the genes from a child'
This is so very true.
Whether we like it or not, the little people we bring into this world are always a result of a 50% sharing of genetics. No matter how hard we try, this cannot change. There is always a chance that your child is going to inherit many of the character traits (or disorders) of the parents.
So, what can we do?
A great deal, if we know what we're up against!
Most severe personality disorders are a result of nurture, rather than nature. If we can learn to recognise negative personality traits in our children at an early stage, we can probably do something positive towards preventing it.
I'll post more about this in my next blog. For now, I want to talk about 'no contact'.
'No contact' can (sadly) never be achieved when there are offspring. No matter how hard you try....there is always the omnipresence of the 'missing link', the parent who is now absent. Or indeed, (as in the case of many of my readers) still VERY present in the children's lives.
Although I'm in the (fortunate) position that my ex has chosen to abandon his children, he is still (unfortunately) in our proximity.
For this reason, and this reason alone, I would consider that removing my children from this 'proximity' would be the best thing for them. Cutting all ties should mean just that. We need to do, what we need to do.......