The Sarah Tate Blog

Renaissance - A journal of Discovery: Chapter One

2012-02-26T05:22:00.000-08:00

UPS, DOWNS AND INTERNET DATING

My marriage had just fallen apart. It wasn’t like I didn't see it coming. So why was I in complete and utter shock?
The warning signs had been blasting out at me in fanfare for the past.....oooooh, six years, or so? Why the hell didn't I hear them? What was wrong with me that I ignored it all for so long?
It was a hell of a wake-up call, discovering my fifty-four year old husband having cyber-sex with a twenty-four year old girl he'd met online. I suppose I should be grateful to her in a way. She gave me the shove I needed to finally take action and end a marriage that had been dead in the water practically from day one, if I'm honest. But I hadn't expected the tirade of emotions that would come when I finally discovered that it was him, and not me, who had gone astray. Even until the very end, I had always (stupidly) believed he really did love me.
OK, I know, he had a funny way of showing it. It's one thing to make a declaration (or in his case, millions of declarations) of love. It's quite another to actually mean what you say and follow your words with honest and genuine actions.
It was time for me to wake up and smell the coffee. It had always been just empty promises. There was never any substance to what he said. I knew it & he knew it. It was all just a drawn out, sycophantic, eight year long costume drama. He was center-stage; I was the 'arm candy’-supporting supporting actress, who played my role well. I learned my lines. I let him lead me, and I willingly played along, ever hopeful that he really was the character he was portraying, and not the wolf in sheep’s clothing my inner voice kept screaming he was. And the children were...what were the children? Extras?

Funny, but in a way I felt kind of elated in those early days. The shock of discovering the infidelity had yet to give way to the raw pain. How long would it take for the adrenaline to abate? An overwhelming emotional crash triggers the body to release self-protective anesthesia. That's what happened to me in the first few weeks. I was just numbed, dumbstruck and totally bloody speechless.
I wondered how long it could continue. I felt hurt beyond any boundaries I'd ever previously known. Yet, equally, there was some strange sense of...relief? Could it really have been relief?
And what the heck was I supposed to do now? I would sit in my house in the evening, a glass of red wine by my side, the children safely in bed. And HE would be downstairs, in the basement - the ‘basement-dweller’. We had barely spoken for weeks. Ever since I disturbed him ‘at it’. We'd just passed the odd word regarding the children and the sorry state of our finances. Thanks to his disordered behavior and inability to follow anything through, our family was now in a financial as well as an emotional crisis. We had debts up to our ears, and because of his bad credit history, he had previously put his company and any other ‘assets’ into my name, which meant that I too was up to my neck in it every bit as much as he was. What a legacy he’d created for us all. There were three small mouths to feed. Two daughters aged four and five, and an eleven-month old baby. I couldn’t imagine that things could get much worse. And yet, despite it all, he was down there still. Under my roof - the house was in my name, worst luck. So he’d become my basement-dweller, drinking and 'chatting' to his girlfriend. And I was left alone upstairs. Alone, bemused, afraid, and hurting.
One night, whilst staring at the computer screen, I suddenly had an idea. Maybe it was the wine that had gone to my head, but I suddenly started thinking to myself, “Sarah, you're in your mid-thirties. You're still attractive. You can still 'pull' surely? If he can do it, why the hell can't you?"
And then I started to recall the barren wasteland that was my marriage. I remembered a journal entry I had written a couple of years before:
"Things are the same between us - 'OK'. I'm frustrated with it all. I'm not sure how long a relationship with zero desire can last. Can a marriage be platonic and still work? Right now I can just about cope, but I'm thirty-four! What happens if I actually meet a guy that I actually desire? Do I love Bill enough to resist? I'm a human being after all! I need attention and affection! Don't we all?
I know Bill is fed up with it too, yet he makes zero effort to make himself attractive to me. He hasn't done any sport since we got married. He's gained weight and he no longer makes any effort to 'woo' me.
It really bugs me because I work hard at keeping my body attractive. He just thinks I'm frigid and don't want to make love because I have issues of my own. He doesn't seem to realize that he is part of the problem. If he does realize, he's clearly not bothered, otherwise surely he'd TRY to make it work?
Bah, I'll just have to keep lusting after Robbie!"
I was supposed to be happily married, and yet I went to bed alone every night and lusted after a pop star. How bloody sad was that?
And how sad was I now? I was looking after three small children, devoting my life to them, trying to keep the family together, and what does my overweight, aging, narcissistic husband do? He gets himself fixed up with a younger woman!
Where's the justice in that?
No, this wouldn’t do. I had to somehow redress the balance here!
And that was what prompted me to join a dating website. It was a fit of pique. Nothing more. I went on the Internet there and then, and found the very first website which came up on ‘Google’.
"That'll do,” I thought and without even looking at the terms and conditions, I used my stretched and overloaded credit card to sign up for a six-month membership.
At first, I was like a child in a sweet shop. I had to think of a username, and the first thing that came to mind was 'Twinkle toes'. I don't know where it came from, I felt very unlike a ‘Twinkle toes’, but I was in such a rush to sample the delights of online dating, I didn't care. It felt so invigorating, just to be able to declare myself 'single' after all this time. I was excited and scared at the same time. I was motivated purely by a need to regain some self-confidence. Having been kicked in the stomach upon discovering my husband 'at it' with his girlfriend, I'd then had to go on to endure his declarations of 'love' for her. He'd even gone so far as to call her his 'soul mate' (hang on, didn't he call me that once?). I needed a confidence boost. And in that moment, in that month of January, in what was to be the darkest year of my life, all I wanted was some attention of my own. I wanted to feel attractive and desirable.
Within minutes, various ‘cyber men’ were contacting me. I hadn’t even posted a photograph of myself onto the site, so I was amazed that so many would contact me so soon. I honestly believed it must have been a good omen. This was going to be easy! I was going to meet other men and have a good time for a change! I was free! The world was my oyster! I sipped my wine and tapped at my keyboard. I flirted with anonymous men from far and wide, and it felt good in the moment, which was all I had right now, small moments of feeling good amidst the chaos of rubble my life had become. The next morning I was less enthusiastic about Internet trysts. I had reality to contend with.
Since the collapse of the marriage over the Christmas season. I had been living purely on adrenalin. I had no idea how I would get through each day, so heavy was the burden of what I was facing. Realizing you are going to have to go it alone with three small children is a frightening prospect. More, so, when your self-esteem is at rock bottom, following years of erosion during a dysfunctional relationship. During this time, in the early days after the marriage broke down, I believed that my soon to be ex-husband would at least be there for the children, and support both me and them financially until such a time as I was able to get back on my feet again.
I had been a full time mother for the last five years. I’d given up my job when my first daughter came along, and had not returned to work since. That had never been part of the plan. My plan had been to be a full time wife and mother, a homemaker and primary care giver. My dreams of a peaceful and idyllic family life had been doomed to hopeless failure since the word go, and only now was I coming to realize this. It was a bitter pill to swallow.
I certainly hadn’t expected to find myself on a dating website, yet here I was, being ‘chatted up’ by several different men at once. Sometimes I felt flattered, other times I felt slightly unnerved by it. But I needed a distraction from the nightmare of everyday life, and right at that time, it was all I had.
I started to use the dating site as a release vessel. It was somewhere I could be completely anonymous and be anybody I wanted to be. Nobody on the site knew about my troubles, and it was comforting to be able to ‘act’ as somebody else for a short time each day. But the website was as far as it went. Whenever a man asked to meet up with me I would always make an excuse. Whilst I was enjoying the contact, I didn’t feel able to make any ‘dates’. Despite having initiated divorce proceedings already, as long as my basement- dweller was still about, I didn’t feel able to go out with another man. I knew this was crazy, as the basement -dweller wasn’t exactly sitting in his dungeon pining after me. No, not at all! And nor, it would seem, was he pining after his latest ‘soul mate’, as I was soon to find out.
When you sign up for these sites, you have to put your various likes and dislikes into your profile, to enable people to see what you have in common with them. You can also stipulate an age range for which you have an interest. My soon-to-be-ex basement- dweller was seventeen years older than me, and one thing I remained resolved about right from the very beginning, was that I would NEVER consider going for an older man again. I put my preferred age range as my own age, plus or minus five years.
But isn’t it amazing how some people (men, in this case) ignore these most simple guidelines? I was receiving mail from men in their sixties and from men in their early twenties. Now, in many ways I can understand what a man in their sixties would want with a thirty-something single mum…but a young man in his twenties? In my severely traumatized and depressed state, I was unable to recognize that these young twenty-something’s most likely went for us older single mums, because they thought we’d be desperate. And I suppose, in many ways, they’d be right.
One guy did catch my attention though. We’d started messaging one another regularly, and I found myself becoming more and more interested in his mails. He told me he was separated, but was still co-habiting with his ex, with separate rooms and shared childcare, very similar to my own circumstances. He was working from home as a freelance writer and hence was spending lots of time on the Internet, particularly the dating website. He told his primary motivation was to make new friends, rather than start a new relationship, and this made me feel at ease, as there was no pressure to meet him for a date. For me, it was perfect to be able to just exchange chatty and flirty emails with no need to worry about having to face the man in person.
Emilio was of Latin American origin yet spoke English fluently (and more articulately than most English men I’d met) as well as fluent Portuguese, Spanish, French and Italian. He was a lover of literature, fine arts, and poetry. We talked at great length about life, love, the universe…and the basement- dweller. Emilio made me smile during days when I felt blackness all around me. His mails became a small light on an otherwise bleak horizon. Emilio was quickly becoming my fantasy man.
When you’ve spent years involved in a marriage as topsy-turvy as mine had been, you are going to jump at the first sign of attention. For me, this was the first time in years I’d felt as though a man was truly interested in what I had to say. Emilio appeared to hang on my every word and I was amazed at how my words would flow with ease when writing to him. I was certainly able to portray myself to be in a much better and more stable emotional state than I actually was. To Emilio, I was a tough cookie who’d taken some knocks but was keeping it together in the face of adversity. Luckily for me, Emilio didn’t see the real Sarah. He didn’t witness my crumbling poise as the evening drew on and the night closed in on me.
I started to fantasize about Emilio, I dreamed of meeting and falling in love with him. I wanted this Latino to come and sweep me off my feet and take me away to a better place. I believed it was possible, and I allowed myself to dream about it as a way of coping with the things which were actually going on in my life. Real life was a drudge. I was doing my best to keep a semblance of normality for the sake of the children and luckily for them, they were too young to understand what was really happening between their parents.
The basement-dweller was available (at least, in body) to help with the children. He did the odd bath and the odd bedtime story. He cooked the odd meal and took the older two on occasional outings. This gave me an opportunity to get a break from the unbelievable stress I felt whenever he was in my proximity. The tension between us was palpable. Yet there was no immediate way out of the situation. The situation created by the basement- dweller meant I was trapped in the same house with him. Until I got things moving from a legal perspective, I simply had no choice but to live in this state of suspended animation. I couldn’t go forwards, and I most certainly couldn’t go backwards. The pressure was building inside me and it felt like I may explode at any minute. I knew I was sinking into a deep depression, yet was powerless to stop it happening.
Emilio, or ‘Mr. E’ as I now called him, was becoming a sort of anti-depressant of the class ‘A’ variety. He knew exactly what to say and exactly when to say it and I found myself opening up to him more and more and looking forward to each of his (extremely frequent) emails. We’d also exchanged photographs by now and I found I liked the look of him. He had a full head of hair, (which was a big change from the basement-dweller) and he also had a flat stomach, (something else I wasn’t used to). He looked in pretty good shape, and although he wasn’t a typical Latino lover, to me, he was a vast improvement on what I’d previously known. And to be honest, even if he’d had a face like a slapped backside, I’d probably still have fallen for him, because this whole internet romance I was developing with Mr. E, was far less about him, and far more about me (although I didn’t even realize this at the time, so spaced out was I during this period!)
The email relationship started to become quite intense, and I savored each exchange with relish. Mr. E was making me feel like a woman again. It had been a very long time since anybody had made an attempt to stroke my ego, and Mr. E had this practice down to a fine art. How easy it is for us to succumb to romance in cyber world, even when we are going through a phase in our lives when the opposite sex should be strictly off limits. I found myself drawn in like a moth to a flame. I was unable to resist his charms and I wanted so badly to find a happy ending to my sorry story that I projected onto Mr. E like I’ve never projected onto another person in my life before. He was to be my Knight in Shining Armour, come to rescue me from the hellhole into which I’d been cast by the wicked basement-dweller. I think I can safely say I was in ‘victim’ mode at this point, and not really thinking clearly.
Inevitably, Mr. E was starting to hint at a meeting. This was a thrilling prospect, but one which also filled me with much trepidation. I was suddenly a schoolgirl again, getting butterflies in my tummy even at the thought of meeting my Latino wonder-man. After several weeks, I agreed to our very first telephone conversation, although I wouldn’t agree to use the web cam. I didn’t feel comfortable speaking to him over the Internet like that. It reminded me of the basement-dweller and how he had seduced his younger lover. I didn’t want my relationship with Mr. E to be quite so seedy, and I have to admit that my confidence had taken such a knock I was not ready for him to see my face, lest he found me repulsive.
We talked for over an hour that first night. I had taken the computer upstairs into my bedroom, two levels above the basement. I felt like a naughty schoolgirl, even though I had no reason to. I was a free woman now, after all. My husband had wasted no time declaring his undying love for another, so why did I feel like I was doing something wrong by actually having a conversation with my Internet flirt?
My nerves had gotten the better of me though, and I was like a giggly teenager throughout the conversation. He seemed like a pleasant enough guy to chat to, although his voice did seem slightly higher pitched than I had imagined it to be. He suggested traveling from the city where he lived to come and meet me. We settled on a Saturday afternoon a couple of weeks ahead. We decided to meet at the train station, which immediately put me in mind of 'Brief Encounter', and my hopes soared. After the conversation ended I was on a real high. I convinced myself that the flirt with this man was exactly what I needed to boost my battered confidence. I couldn't wait to experience the thrill of a romantic encounter once more. It seemed so long since the basement-dweller had wined and dined me. I longed for that feeling again. I longed for an escape route from the situation I was in, and right now, Mr. E was that escape route.
I spent the next couple of weeks planning the romantic encounter, encouraged by good friends who wanted to help me get my mind off the situation I was in. I excitedly planned an outfit with my girlfriend, and she encouraged me to buy new underwear 'just in case'. It became a bit of a standing joke amongst my friends, who I believe were so concerned about my emotional well being whilst stuck in the same house as the man who had caused so much hurt and damage to me. They were happy to encourage me in my Mr. E escapade, simply because it put a smile on my face, and that was something they hadn't seen much from me in recent times.
As the day approached, I decided to hatch a story for the basement- dweller. I don't know to this day why I bothered to try and cover my tracks. He knew what I was up to, and I knew he knew. It went unspoken between us, but I had noticed that a user by the name of Mr. Bliss had viewed my profile on the dating website. He had had clearly signed up himself and had given quite a few details about himself on his profile. As soon as I discovered he'd viewed my page, I found it hilarious! I'd clearly put on my profile that I was not interested in older men. I sent a quick reply to say he was out of my age range, but by then he knew I was onto him and he deleted his account.
Despite this, we played a charade. I don't know who thought they were kidding whom, but I concocted a story about meeting a group of girlfriends for a meal in town, after which we would be shopping and sampling cocktail bars. I told him I didn't know what time I'd be home, but to expect me to be late. I seriously considered the possibility of staying out all night. I had no idea how the 'date' might pan out, and to be honest, the way I was feeling at that time, I may well have stayed out all night with my Latin lover, had the opportunity to do so presented itself. I was certainly in the mood for being rebellious and extremely reckless.
When the day came, I was nervous beyond belief. I got myself ready meticulously. I went for a smart, but casual look of hipster jeans, a fitted blouse, neck scarf, knee high boots, blazer and a peaked cap. I looked and felt good. I knew Mr. E would be pleased with what he saw. What I hadn't really considered, is what I would feel when I finally got to meet my Knight in Shining Armour in the flesh.
As the train pulled into the station I had to fight the urge to run away. I was so nervous my heart was in my throat. And suddenly, there he was, Mr. E, in all his.....glory?
He was wearing a mac and carrying a satchel. I was wearing heels, which was a bad move, because he was head and shoulders smaller than me and I'm only average height.
When he saw me, a grin spread across his face, and he made a 'wow' shape with his mouth. I smiled and stifled the urge to bolt.
"Well Helloooooooo Sarah," he gushed. "I'm soooooo pleased to meet you my dear!" He kissed the air on both sides of my face. It was all I could do not to laugh out loud.
We walked to a coffee bar by the lake and sat in the winter sunshine. I was glad we were outside, and it was such a lovely day, because I was able to wear my sunglasses, which made me feel a whole lot better.
Once we were seated, he presented me with a book of poetry by E. E Cummings. I remembered he'd quoted some of these poems to me in his emails, and I'd found them so heart-stoppingly romantic. Now, sitting opposite my Mr. E in the sunshine, I was unable to feel the romance. My stomach was starting to turn into knots.
"I know a great wine bar over the road." I said. "Why don't we go and sample some lovely new world wines?"
"Oh yeeeeees Sarah, what a fantaaaastic idea!" He rubbed his hands together and practically salivated.
And so we made our way to the wine bar, where I ordered some wine as quickly as I could, and tried not to gulp it down too fast. The wine helped and I started to relax. We chatted about relationships, jobs, poetry, his work, my children, my marriage & his marriage. He enthused about what a 'strong woman' I was to be getting out of the relationship and he feigned anger when we talked about the basement-dweller's cyber-sex sessions. As the evening wore on and the wine warmed me from the inside, I actually started to relax and enjoy his company. It was a refreshing change to be with somebody new, but romantic it most certainly was not. He was overtly camp. In fact, as I started to relax, I actually considered asking him to be my new gay best friend, but thought better of it, thank goodness.
But the more wine he had, the more limp his wrists became, and the more animated he was. We went for dinner to an Italian Restaurant, and by then I had really started to relax and enjoy myself. To me, it was clear there would be no romance, but I did think we could become friends. He looked a bit like a Latin Freddy Mercury. I was thrilled at the prospect of being buddies with him. Every girl needs a gay best buddy.
Finally, we went to a wine bar and ordered cocktails – caipirinha, a potent white rum mix that is not for the faint hearted. I was starting to get really dizzy. It was Saturday night now and we were downtown. The bar was packed with people, mostly in their early twenties. And there we were, Mr. E and myself, looking slightly inebriated and rather out of place. But Mr. E didn't seem to care, he was enjoying himself and he clearly thought he was 'in there', because within moments of us sitting down with our drinks, he grabbed the back of my neck, pulled me towards him sharply and went in for a full on, tongues and all, kiss.
I was so taken aback, I didn't know what to do, so I reciprocated, or tried to, but it was really difficult given that I couldn't breathe with his tongue so far down my throat. When he finally let me come up for air I was so shocked I didn't know what to say, so I reached for my drink and took a big gulp.
"Oh Sarah, you are sooooooo sweet" he half whispered in my ear, and immediately pulled me back in for more.
I was powerless to resist, so I just went along with it. I was tipsy enough now that I didn't care, and even snogging a Latin Freddie Mercury was better than snogging nobody, so I decided to just try to make the most of it, and get some snogging practice in, at least until it was time for the last train home.
We walked to the station like giggling teenagers. He was giggling because he was pleased with himself - I was giggling because I couldn't actually believe what had just happened to me. As we parted, he pulled me in again, and this time he almost knocked me off my feet. The height difference worked against him, and to an outsider it must have been a hilarious sight, this camp guy in a mac with a satchel, groping the woman in the killer boots and a hat. I was bending so far backwards I almost lost my balance. Luckily the clock struck midnight, and we had to run for our respective trains.
As I sank into my seat, I dissolved in fits of giggles. That had certainly not turned out the way I had imagined it would. What a silly, naive woman I had been! But I laughed, because even though it hadn't been a the romantic dream I had hoped it would be, it had certainly been an experience I would never forget, and a comedic oasis amidst the desert of depression that filled the rest of my life right now. Mr. E, dear reader, was my first, and last, foray into the world of online dating. Twinkle toes never reappeared again.

Writers in the Sky Pod Cast....:Web of Lies

2011-12-18T21:33:00.000-08:00

Here's the link to my latest Pod Cast about Web of Lies........I'd like to thank Vonnie at Writers in the Sky for a great interview.

S

Ahhh, the old McCann....story....again......

2011-12-11T08:30:00.000-08:00

Just looking at this for another piece of top class reporting......

The 52-year-old former detective has made a fortune selling a book and TV documentary claiming the young British girl is dead - and wrongly claiming her parents staged a cover-up.

Really Sky 'news'. Where is your 'source' for this?? How do you know he's 'made a fortune??? Figures please!

"Amaral has made the McCann family's life hell and he has made himself rich in the process," a family source said.

He's rich?? Are you sure Mr/Mrs 'Family Source.....because the man himself seems less sure of this 'fact'.....

This interview seems to present a different story.

Kate and Gerry want to stop him spouting his malicious lies about them and to stop him profiting from their pain, and the only way to do that is by going to court

Yep, I'm sure AMARAL probably feels the same way. Let's see what happens in court.

In their writ, the McCanns describe the now-retired detective as a self-obsessed, manipulative money-grabber with no morals.

This beggars belief!....SLANDER......MUCH????? We can say this about HIM, but not about THEM???? Why??????

They claim Mr Amaral's repeated insistence that their daughter is dead discouraged people from looking for her.

Tosh, utter tosh! We've all been hoping, praying, looking for four years. Of course she's most likely dead! Doesn't mean we've all given up hope. What utter rubbish and biased 'journalism' (and I use that word lightly!)

The couple also describe in detail the pain and anguish they say Mr Amaral caused them by repeatedly smearing them - saying his slurs left them "totally destroyed".

Hypocrites!! If it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander! Read about what happened to HIS life as a result of the Madeleine case.....oh, but you never see that in the UK press.....

She had been left sleeping in a holiday apartment as her parents dined with friends in a nearby tapas bar in the resort of Praia da Luz in southern Portugal.

And here we go, you finally report a true fact....which speaks for itself.

The country's attorney general Jose Pinto Monteiro has cleared the McCanns of any wrongdoing over Madeleine's disappearance.

Not true, it was merely concluded that there was not enough evidence to convict anybody....that's ANYBODY.

Nobody cleared, nobody convicted.

So the wonderful Sky News......the only question which remains for me to you is this.....who the heck is pulling your strings??? Oh sorry, dumb question........

Pump Up Your Book December promotions!

2011-12-05T09:21:00.000-08:00

The Web of Lies 'virtual publicity tour' December 2011...coming to a blog near you

2011-11-27T00:29:00.000-08:00

It's time to take Web of Lies on the virtual road!

From December 5th to 16th, we're taking the book on tour. Check out the Pump Up Your Book site for details.

There will be reviews, guest posts, and Author interviews. I'll also be taking part in the Annual Holiday Extravaganza on December 16th, live on Facebook. Check it out, and win a copy of Web of Lies.

See you on tour!

S x

Recommended book.....

2011-10-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Boy, am I mad? By Heather Taylor. I've known Heather for a while now, through online forums and Author resources.

Her book is an honest and raw account of how a dedicated teacher almost has her life ruined when a false allegation is made by a child. It's so frustrating to read what she had to endure as a result of this one false allegation. She describes how she was plummeted into the dark world of clinical reactionary depression. It's a heart rending story, and anybody who has ever suffered from depression, in any form, could probably relate to at least some of what this author went through.
It's tragic and frustrating to read about how a thirty year career was ruined in an instant, and it's shocking to think that this is a common occurrence. The knock-on effects of an allegation such as this are far reaching. The way the whole thing was handled was appalling.

Despite her deep depression, Heather manages to find the strength to fight back, and eventually re-gain some of her old life(although she is changed forever). My respect to Heather for sharing her story in this well written and captivating book. It takes courage to talk about depression. This book will be a useful tool for anybody who has suffered from it.

I want to get off........

2011-10-17T07:15:00.000-07:00

I'm going to have a moan. I try not to do it too often. I can't stand the 'poor me' mentality, and I do like to think of myself as having a glass half-full, as opposed to half-empty. But sometimes, you just need to have a moan. It helps to lift the burden and ease the pressure.

Any working single mum will be able to relate to this moan. I want to moan (just for a couple of minutes)about the COST of being a single, working mum.

There is a threefold price to pay for all of us single mum's who are stuck on this treadmill. We all feel the frustration. It's that constant feeling of running uphill and not really getting anywhere. You try to do your best at your job, and you try to be the best mum on the planet, but ultimately you end up feeling as though you are spreading yourself too thinly, and failing miserably at both tasks. Sound familiar?

That's the emotional cost.

Then there's the physical cost.

I'm a bloody wreck most of the time. I don't mind admitting it. I'm shattered. Totally and utterly shattered. I'm in my PJ's by 8pm each night and invariably asleep by 10pm.

If anybody suggests I do something one evening after work, I have no choice but to politely decline. The batteries are all but empty by tea time.

And as for weekend socialising? You've got to be kidding! It's all I can do to drag the kids to the supermarket!

Finally there's the financial cost.

You'd think there would be a financial incentive for all us hard-done-by working mums. I mean, there has to be a reason for dragging ourselves to the office each day, doesn't there?

Sadly not, because the cost of childcare is so high, we're destined never to really benefit. The more you earn, the more you pay for the childcare. That's they way the 'machine' works. I guess it's the same the world over......*sigh*

So, why do we do it? Well, most of us simply don't have a choice. When you're left holding the baby(ies), you just have to get on with it. Somebody needs to support them, and why should it be my fellow tax payers? And, if I'm really honest (and heading back into glass-half-full territory again), I'd much rather be holding my babies, than not holding them. That would just be unthinkable.

So, I shouldn't really complain, should I?

OK, OK, I got it off my chest. I'll get back on again now.......

Thanks for listening x

When is a narcissist a psychopath?

2011-10-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

I wrote in an old post once about the similarities between a sociopath (psychopath) and a narcissist. There aren't many differences, they are generally overlapping disorders.

The general consensus, however, is that ALL psychopaths are narcissistic, yet not all narcissists are psychopaths.

When I look back at my own experience as described in Web of Lies, it becomes clear which end of the scale my own experience was. As my therapist explained to me over a year ago, I was dealing with a narcissistic psychopath.

So, how can you tell the difference?

Well, a narcissist always seeks confirmation. He/she needs affirmation for everything they do. They look for sources of narcissistic supply and if they don't get approval from that source, they get mad, really mad. They can be sent into a narcissistic rage purely because their needs for affirmation are not being met.
A psychopath does not need this affirmation. He/she is so convinced of his/her superiority over others, that it really doesn't bother him/her if they are accepted, believed, or approved of.

I experienced this first hand when my ex was caught red-handed trying to screw over his employer by selling company secrets to a potential customer. He wasn't phased by the fact he could be about to face a criminal prosecution at all. Instead, he was genuinely amazed that anybody could believe he had deliberately perpetrated a criminal act, and poured public scorn on those who accused him, calling them 'idiots' and 'jealous fools'.

Whilst I reeled from the horror of our public ridicule, he simply got on with his life, secure in his belief that he had done no wrong, and the people who believed he was a criminal were mere idiots who didn't deserve a moment of his attention.

This is the sort of behaviour which differentiates a true psychopath from a narcissist.

Don't be lulled into any false sense of security though, a narcissist who isn't a psychopath is still a huge threat to your emotional well being. They are every bit as manipulative and controlling as a psychopath, and if they aren't getting the validation they so desperately crave, they can be equally as dangerous.

I found a good blog post about dealing with narcissists here. The crux of it is, there is no dealing with them. If you're involved with one, get the hell out as soon as you can.

There is an incredibly fine line between narcissism and psychopathy. But, in my opinion, at the end of the day the label is less important. What's important is the effect it's going to have on you, the victim.

Whichever disorder you are dealing with, you are in danger. There is no safe way to remain in a relationship with a person who has no conscience. The only solution is to escape.

There is no rehabilitation for this disorder, and the vast majority of those who have it, are walking amongst us.

Don't wait.

What's with all this 'ask the Universe' stuff?

2011-09-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

I think I’m being a bit too negative of late, maybe just in general.

Somebody told me years ago that if I were to 'ask the Universe' for what I wanted, then the Universe would deliver.

Well, it certainly didn’t deliver anything into my bank balance, in fact, the opposite happened. Did I ask in the wrong way?

I did ask for some peace, and I’ll have to say that shortly thereafter a very destructive force was removed (or removed itself) from my life. That was a blessing, for sure. Clearly I asked in the right way on that occasion.

Since then, it seems all my requests have fallen upon deaf ears. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I’m hoping for some security, prosperity, good health for my family and the families of loved ones, and hope for the future.

It seems recently there have been a series of blows……and I’m fast losing faith in the ‘ask the Universe’ stuff.

Any experts out there who are inclined to tell me where I’m going wrong, and help myself and my readers find the ‘right’ way to ask? Because for me, it's just not working.......

Feel free to post me an article and I’ll re-post here.

Revisited....the Devil is in the detail.....

2011-09-23T10:24:00.001-07:00

I’m currently reading Dark Souls by Sarah Strudwick, and I’m struck by the blatant and brazen behaviour of her psychopathic ex, as described in the book. There were definite and tangible ‘red flag’ moments for her which she chose, at that time, to ignore for a range of personal reasons (mainly due to her past history of abuse and low self-esteem at the time she was in the relationship).

It struck me how very different our two exes were, yet at the same time so very similar in their thought processes and behaviour patterns. One is ‘in your face’ the other a ‘slow burner’ but both are equally as dangerous.

In my own relationship, there were also a great many red flags, but they were subtle enough for me to overlook at first. It wasn’t until time had passed and they built up that they became more obvious. There were lies and inconsistencies in the stories told to me, particularly relating to his past, but nothing that was so sensational, that it became instantly unbelievable. It was gradual.

There was nothing brash, brazen, or remotely violent about my experience. There was no anger, rarely a raised voice (from him) and at no point did I feel threatened by, or scared of, him.

At the time I knew nothing about passive aggressive behaviour and I’d never heard of gaslighting, so I inevitably believed that many of the problems were my own, and for the most part blamed myself for the persistent misery in which we lived.

When I look back now, I see my marriage to a psychopath like being in a psychological slow cooker. The ingredients for disaster were all there right from the very beginning, but it took time for the heat to really build up and the ensuing chaos to erupt. Even when it did, he remained calm, distant, cold and unassuming. A psychopath doesn’t need to be wielding his fists or a weapon to be dangerous. I feel that is a common misconception.

I knew I was on the ‘burner’ from very early on though. I could feel the heat building in the form of my own disquiet, and his growing distance and ultimate disdain. But the ‘light bulb moment’ only occurred at the very end when the whole world was crumbling around my ears.

The first ‘moment’ (as I describe in Web of Lies) came when he took money set aside to feed the children and booked a five star hotel to entertain his new girlfriend in. When I confronted him about this, he told me he felt entitled to a ‘break’ in a lap of five star luxury, despite the fact he knew we had no money to feed our kids. Upon realizing what he’d done, it occurred to me for the first time that the man had serious psychological issues. I knew no normal parent could do that to their own children, so it had to be that he wasn’t ‘normal’. This was the first time I considered he might be mentally unstable.

The second ‘moment’ came after the split when he seriously suggested we divide the children between us as though they were ornaments or assets of some sort. In that moment, when he made the suggestion, I looked into his eyes and saw there was nothing behind them. There was no ‘light’ there. And that’s when I knew I was dealing with a person without feeling or conscience. A person who could not love, or be loved.

After that, things started to finally fall into place, as I began to arm myself with knowledge and get therapy for the damage created by years on the ‘slow burner’.

As Dr David Holmes recently said to me about my books ;

“It’s so important to realise that these people do not visit the doctors and be diagnosed. They have to be identified and exposed by those close to them, which is hard, and anything that makes it easier will limit the damage done”

This is exactly why sites such as Waking You Up are needed to help men and women in relationships with these people to spot the red flags, and enable them to have their ‘light bulb moments’ before it’s too late. These men and women do not walk around with ‘I am a psychopath’ written across their foreheads. Only by learning how to spot the signs, and sharing our experiences, can we raise awareness of this problem in our society.

In some cases, these ‘light bulb moment’s come when we recognize our own frailties and weak points, and realize that we have become a magnet for a certain type of personality. Only by recognizing this in ourselves can we make the changes required to ensure we never allow another one of these people into our lives.

In other cases (like mine) the devil is literally hidden in the detail, and it can take time on the slow burner before we finally acknowledge and accept what we’re dealing with. As I said, the psychopath does not need to necessarily be a physical threat to pose a formidable danger to our well-being . The slow burners are equally as dangerous.

Wake up.

Letting go......

2011-09-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

.....is sometimes the hardest thing to do. I think this point has been driven home to me this week. I've been trying for a 'mere' three years to let go of my toxic relationship. Others have been struggling for a far greater length of time.

It's amazing, no, astonishing....the depth of destruction that a toxic relationship can leave it it's wake.

You think you're suffering, then you hear from somebody else who has suffered longer, and harder, than you have yourself.

The trail of destruction left by a psychopath is immeasurable. The hurt, anguish, psychological harm, is actually phenomenal.

What can we do to protect ourselves?

I wish I knew. I just hope that my experience can help the ones who are going through the same hell now. Or maybe it can help the ones who have been through the same, or even worse, and need a helping hand with achieving the elusive 'closure' we all seek.

Maybe, if we work together, we can find a way to overcome the harm, the damage they have caused.

Closure will come when we truly know it wasn't anything WE did, which caused this to happen.

A tribute.........

2011-09-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

It’s time to begin again….

On June 25th, 2011, my world changed forever. Not only my world, but also the worlds of my children, my mother, my brother and his family, and my sister, and her family too.
Death, when it comes suddenly and without warning, will take our collective breath away, and leave us bereft and distraught.
Everything stopped for me. I went into ‘auto-pilot’ mode, and have been that way ever since. I function, but I do not live. I exist, but there is no joy. This is a non-sustainable state of affairs. My dad would not want me to be so unhappy. I need to think about his life, what he achieved, and the example he set to me…….

So, Dad, this is what you taught me……..

None of us is perfect, not even you. We all stand up for our mistakes and move on from them as best we can.
Truth is imperative in this life. We do not lie, and we do not cheat.
Money is important, but self-belief and education are more so. Success is measured not in financial wealth, but in emotional as well as financial stability.
Don’t suffer fools gladly……not ever. If your gut says they’re fakes…….they’re fakes.
Stand up for your family. They are all that matters. Be there for them, no matter what.
Be proud of your kids. They may make mistakes, but as a parent, it’s your duty to love and respect their decisions…..even when you know they’re wrong.
Honour your partner. Stand by her/him through thick and thin (unless you’re married to a nutter)
Love your family: Your kids, and grand kids, are the product of you. Love them to the ends of the earth.
Be true to yourself: Pursue the things that matter to you, and live a fulfilled life.
Do what you can for others: Help those who need you. Support where you can. Get involved in your community. Be a pillar for others.

Dad, you did all this, and much, much more. You were not a perfect man (nobody is) but by golly you came close. What a Dad, what a Granddad. I rue the day I ever complained about your minimal faults. What I wouldn’t give to have one more day with you. To remind you how much you meant to us all. To thank you for all the support you gave us all. And to tell you, that you were one of the best Dad's ever.....

You will always be our hero. But it's time for us to look forwards now. You'll always be with us, but we have to move on. Suspended animation is not sustainable.

I'm going to try. We're going to try. To move on. xxxx

But we still love you Dad xxxx

xxxx

Another great review for Web of Lies......

2011-08-02T23:33:00.000-07:00

Check out the BK Walker Books blog here

Web of Lies - My Life with a Narcissist was an unbelievable read. The entire time I was reading, I wanted to reach in the pages and tell Sarah to get out now!

Moving to a new country, starting a new life, Sarah thought she was in for a brand new fresh start. After arriving to work, she meets Bill. Not instantly attracted to Bill, she can't help but to be swept up by his charm. He's writing her songs, taking her on extravagant getaways. She thought he was going to be her life and eventually she married him.

What she soon learned though, was lie after lie by Bill, things started to not add up. He was always on the lookout for his next big riches, not having work for months even years at a time. He was being sued for money every time Sarah turned around. She kept faith in Bill though, standing by his side knowing that he would provide.

Then came their first child. Bill doted on their daughter Lucy from the moment she was born. Sarah had no idea how to be a Mom, and was feeling a little distraught about it. Financially things didn't change though. Sarah was starting to worry she would not be able to feed her child, especially after the next one came.

Now Bill is working out of their basement in yet another new home, going to make his millions on the internet. More and more time he spends on the computer, and more and more he and Sarah drift apart. Depression sets in, and Bill's excuses are never ending.

Deciding writing her poetry would help, Sarah has Bill build her a website. It gets off the ground with a great start, members consistently joining. Now Bill is into this website, and is no longer working on his millions, but chatting online with people from Sarah's new poetry site.

Less and less time with the children, Sarah becomes agitated. In an effort to save their marriage, she tries to make it work with Bill, and romances him, thinking she is not doting on him enough and plans for another baby. While is excited about being a father again, what she soon finds out is that on his next "important" business trip, he is not alone.

This in turn causes Sarah to start investigating Bill's past. What she learns sickens her to no end and forces her mind to a decision...she will divorce this man.

This was such a moving story. The hardship and total ruins that this woman had to face was just astounding. It stands true that cycles always repeat, but Sarah had no idea what this man was doing to her. It's sad to know that their is a disease such as this out there and half the people don't even realize they have a problem. Much like addiction. Bill Tate took advantage of lonely souls, one right after another. When Sarah started questioning his every move, Bill knew it was time to move on.

Luckily Sarah got out before it ruined her. Bill's actions actually took the life of his poor wife before Sarah, and his lies never ceased to amaze. Kudos to Sarah for escaping her demise.

Web of Lies Goodreads giveaway........

2011-07-29T23:19:00.001-07:00

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Web of Lies - My Life with a Narcissist

by Sarah Tate

Giveaway ends August 03, 2011.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter to win

A farewell poem....

2011-07-08T11:46:00.000-07:00

I adapted this from a poem I found online. The original Author is unknown.

Don't grieve for me, from pain I'm free
I followed the path that was laid, you see.

I knew it was time, I heard the call
I turned around and left it all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found peace on a sunny day.

And though my passing has caused you sorrow
Remember my life, and look to tomorrow

We shared a family; we shared our dreams
The ups and downs, of life’s extremes

I watched my children grow, and love
Seven beautiful grandchildren, sent from above

My life's been full, I've savoured much,
Good family, good times, a loved one's touch.

I knew I was blessed, I was happy with life
I loved my children, I loved my wife

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your hearts, raise a glass to me,
It was my time From pain I'm free.

Pathological lying and the Casey Anthony case....

2011-06-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

Given my curiosity about the field of abnormal psychology, I’ve found myself taking more than a passing interest in the Casey Anthony case. Yesterday I read a fantastic blog about the pathology of Casey.

It’s difficult, no, impossible, for a ‘normal’ person to comprehend how a mother could possibly do the things she is accused of. As parents, it goes against every grain of our being, and we find it impossible to reconcile that another parent could even consider harming their child and then try to cover it up.

Obviously, the case is on-going, and nothing is proven ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ yet, but let’s face it, the evidence against her is powerful, and it’s stacking up by the day.

Here is a mother, who’s child was missing, and she didn’t even report it to the police. Instead she went out partying, and refused to contact her parents. In the end, it was the grandparents who reported the child missing, almost a month after she was last seen alive. Casey’s reason for not reporting the child missing? She was ‘dealing with it herself’.

Subsequently, Casey created the most fantastic series of lies imaginable, and repeated them over and over, each time adding more layers to her web of deceit. Did she really believe her own lies? Doubtful. She just wanted (and expected) everybody else to believe them. Because she genuinely believed she could fool everybody. She felt in control, and in charge. She never thought it would unravel. Psychopaths never do.

I don’t need to go into the details of the case, they are feely available on the internet, and the trial is streamed live on various websites daily. It’s addictive viewing, similar to the OJ trial all those years ago. We cannot help but be fascinated with the details of the case, and in my case, the (dys)functionality of this woman’s mind.

I watched her reactions in court as the graphic photographs of her daughters remains were displayed for the jury to view. Not once did she look up, but she grew paler by the minute, her head bowing further and further until it was eventually resting on the desk in front of her.

Was this remorse we were witnessing? Unlikely. People who tell lies tend to feel remorse for them. People who are pathological liars tend not to feel any remorse at all. Sociopaths and psychopaths don’t know remorse. They don’t know guilt. The bowing of the head was most probably to mask her own emotion as she realised she really isn’t going to get away with this.

To a psychopath, the only thing in the world which is unbelievable, is when they are not believed.

The defence is (now) trying to argue that Caylee (the daughter) was killed accidentally, and that the death was covered up by Casey under the guidance (no, bullying) of her ex-cop father, who abused her (as did her brother-apparently). This is about as believable as Casey’s tales of ‘Zannie the Nanny’, the person she first claimed abducted her daughter.

Now, not all liars are psychopaths. There is such a disorder as compulsive lying syndrome’ and this is quite different from pathological lying. This syndrome can be treated. The people who have this syndrome don’t tend to hurt anybody except themselves with their lies.

But the fact is, ALL psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists are pathological liars. Lying is part of their personality disorder. They lie without thought, without conscience, and without regret. They lie consciously and with malicious intent. They lie to gain control and manipulate.
They can come out with the most fantastic and unbelievable stories, yet they are relentless in their conviction that people will swallow their lies. This is because they steadfastly believe that they are better than everybody else. Their feelings of grandiosity preclude them from realising how ridiculous they sometimes sound. They are lulled into security by seeing how their superficial charm can work on people, and that their lies really are believed (at least in the beginning) by their unsuspecting victims. It’s unlikely that this type of lying can be treated, unless, like Casey Anthony, they end up in prison after committing a crime, and even then, it’s a long shot that they can be ‘rehabilitated’.

Not all psychopaths turn into cold blooded murderers. But of course, some do.

In the case of Casey Anthony, we have a murdered child and a mother who is a proven pathological liar with clear psychopathic tendencies. It’s not going to be easy for the defence.

I suspect the best the defence can do now is to ride this out, and come up with as many diversions and distractions as possible (confusion is good) to try to spare Casey the death penalty.

Use, or Abuse, of 'the system' ?

2011-06-04T11:12:00.000-07:00

Today I was told I have a 'choice' to either stay at home and be a mother to my children, or to go out to work to feed us all.

Actually, I don't have a choice. I HAVE to go to work.

Why? Because there is nobody to support us financially if I don't, and despite what some people seem to believe, man cannot live on love alone.

My kids need my love and nurturing, but they also need a roof over their heads and clothes to keep them warm. Sadly, these things do not come for free.

When I was left high and dry, and without two pennies to rub together, I was forced to go, begging bowl in hand, to the social services. Thank goodness for State support to help people out when they unexpectedly fall on hard times. I was truly grateful for the assistance we received. Without it we would have been sunk.

I talk a great deal in Renaissance about how I was subsequently treated by the Swiss 'system'. I was forced to hand my children over to strangers to go out and work for a living. I didn't feel ready to do it, and it's certainly not what I had planned to do when I made the decision to have children.

But the Swiss 'system' is designed to help those in dire need, and not as a mechanism for certain people to have their lifestyle choice subsidised by the hard work of others. In Switzerland, you are encouraged to work for your benefits, and to pay them back once you're back on your feet.

I was devastated to have to give my children up whilst they were still so young. I was, and remain, jealous of the child minder, for she gets to spend as much time with them as I do.

But on the flip-side, returning to work has given me something back which I thought I'd never regain; my self respect.

We are now in a situation where we don't have to rely on State support. I provide fully for my family, in every way. This makes me immensely proud, and it teaches my children a work ethic they might otherwise not have been taught so soon.

We treasure the time we have together. All our family time is pure 'quality' time, and the material possessions we have are all paid for with my honest wage. It's been a struggle, and I won't pretend it's easy. It's bloody hard work. But at the end of the day, it's necessary. There simply is no choice in the matter, at least that's how I see it.

If I were to choose to live off the State indefinitely, I don't think I could feel as proud as I do. I'm now grateful that the Swiss system got me back into the workplace when it did. It was a push in the right direction. I'm happy to pay into the system, and I was grateful to have it to fall back on in my hour of need. But I'm also glad that I'm not expected to fund other peoples lifestyle choices either. I believe if you're lucky enough to procreate and can support your family yourself, then it's absolutely fine to stay at home. But where's the self respect in staying at home and expecting others to fund you?

Is that not abusing the system?

from the archives....... a word about Renaissance.....

2011-05-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

I stated in a blog post back in February 2010 that the epilogue for Web of Lies may well end up turning into a book of its own.

Well I was right, it did.

Like Web of Lies before it, Renaissance took on a life of its own. I didn't drive this book, it drove me.

I began writing it in response to the many enquiries I’d received from readers regarding mine and the children’s well-being. My initial plan was to just write an update, to let everybody know that there is light at the end of the long, dark tunnel, and that I was now stepping out into it. I wanted everybody to know that the darkness doesn’t last forever, and that with time, patience, and the help of loved ones, you can overcome just about anything.

When I began to write though, it became apparent that the recovery message is every bit as powerful and relevant as the message about recognizing the abuse in the first place. It doesn't end when you make the break. If anything, escape is just the beginning.

Nothing can be rushed, that’s what I’ve learned these past few years. We go through certain processes as we move forward with our lives, recovery is one of those processes. And as long as we keep our minds open, accept our limitations, and recognize our potential, we will continue to evolve and grow as individuals, and we can achieve just about anything we want to.

Through writing Renaissance, I have also learned another very important lesson; namely, that to reach the light, we must sometimes re-visit the dark.

There is a ‘Therapist’ who features quite heavily in Renaissance. I visit her with regularity in the book (as I did in real life), and she advises and guides both me and the children towards recovery.

In Renaissance, the ‘Therapist’ has actually become the amalgamation of several different people I have met (and many I have not met, but merely corresponded with) along the road to recovery. And so, the ‘Therapist’ has evolved into a mechanism for explaining everything that I learned over the past three years.

Renaissance is not intended as a self-help book, there are plenty excellent ones about already, and they are written by people far better qualified that I am when it comes to educating the reader in what to expect and how to react. I simply wanted to describe the process I have experienced personally, and what I have gained from it. I have left the psychology to the experts, from whom I’ve learned so much during this journey. And so, my books are not psychological road-maps, they simply relay a real life story, and hopefully demonstrate that we, as ordinary people, can ALL do extraordinary things.

I hope that my portrayal of the ‘Therapist’ in this book pays suitable homage to all those people who have helped me and the kids along the recovery journey. I hope that the reader can learn from the ‘Therapist’, in the same way I have learned from friends, family, fellow authors, and experts in the field of psychology.

Renaissance is now out on Kindle and Smashwords

new look Web of Lies...May 2011, for just $2.99 on Smashwords!

2011-05-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

Get it while you can!

Renaissance - The Trailer......

2011-03-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

You can find out all about Renaissance here

It will go on sale in April. Check back here for more details!

Smashwords special offer, for one month.....

2011-03-12T22:47:00.000-08:00

For all you avid Ebook readers!

You can get 30% off Web of Lies at SMASHWORDS for the next month, by giving in the following coupon code:

ME38J

Happy reading!

Sarah

Book giveaway Web of Lies.....hurry if you want to win!

2011-03-10T22:45:00.000-08:00

Do you want to win a FREE copy of my book? If so, don't miss the Goodreads book give-away competition. There are only a few books available, so hurry if you want the chance to win!

Good luck!

Sarah

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Web of Lies - My Life with a Narcissist

by Sarah Tate

Giveaway ends March 18, 2011.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter to win

C-PTSD - when pain is like a boomerang

2011-02-25T08:55:00.000-08:00

Many people have contacted me recently to ask me about recovery and what is the time scale for this.
There is no answer to that question. Recovery cannot be measured in time, it is a variable entity, which can one minute appear to have been achieved, and the next minute, appear to elude us completely.

Many people who have suffered in a long term toxic relationship experience what is known in psychology circles as ‘Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or C-PTSD.

Whereas Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is usually the result of a one off major event or occurrence, C-PTSD is known to be caused after a person has suffered a long-term situation where he/she has felt a ‘loss of control’ due to emotional, or physical abuse, kidnapping, imprisonment, or long term exposure to unpleasant or crisis situations.
C-PTSD is, therefore, caused when a person has experienced sustained periods of extreme stress. Anybody who has been in a toxic relationship knows how prolonged and extreme that stress can be.
Don’t underestimate C-PTSD and the effects it can have on your life for many years after escape from the oppressive situation or toxic relationship.
C-PTSD is a psychological injury, and in the same way as a physical injury, it needs to be treated and healed over time. In many cases, it will recur, and you must always be aware of it, and how it can affect you and your relationships.
If you suspect you might be suffering from this illness, here are some of the classic symptoms:

• Feelings of dread or horror
• Feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, shame and guilt
• Hypervigilence
• Prone to bouts of depression
• Using alcohol, or drugs, to ‘block out’ the pain
• Insomnia
• Fits of rage
• Low self-esteem, which may even lead to self-harming
• Development of eating disorders
• Feeling ‘out of control’
• Blaming yourself for everything/ feeling you’re letting everybody down
• Loss of memory
• Feeling small, insignificant, or invisible
• Chronic fatigue

Of course, these symptoms may vary from person to person in both intensity and degree, but if you have been in a toxic relationship, and are now experiencing any of the above symptoms, then the chances are, that you are suffering from C-PTSD.

What can you do?

Be kind to yourself! It’s important to understand that you have been psychologically wounded, and that these wounds will take time and patience to heal. Recognizing the problem is a good first step, but you are going to need to get professional help in order to really deal with it fully.
Get the help of a professional counsellor or psychiatrist. In many cases, both medication and long term therapy will be required. Don’t be afraid to go and seek this out. There’s no shame in admitting we need some support from time to time.

Therapy should include help with the following:

Learning about ‘triggers’ which are likely to send you emotionally off course.
C-PTSD is associated with feelings of powerlessness. In a toxic relationship, a person has often found themselves trapped in impossible situations for prolonged periods of time, and this leaves scars on the mind. Emotional ‘triggers’ can be anything which remind us of the feelings of helplessness we once had. Anything can trigger an adverse reaction, but over time you will learn to recognize which situations tend to trigger you, and then you can learn to avoid them, or at least be prepared for the reaction you are likely to have.

Relapse Prevention: Learning how to address the urges to self-harm, use alcohol, have anger outbursts etc. Relapses can continue to take place many years after removal from the situation has occurred. The mind is a very powerful machine, it is intricate and complex. We are wired like computers and keeping the mind balanced can be tough when we’re presented with stresses and strains. We may bury or suppress emotions for many years, only to have them rear their heads again without warning. This can happen to all of us. It doesn’t mean we are weak, and it can be managed, so don’t give up hope.

Learning to deal with our emotions: The emotions experienced by a C-PTSD sufferer are intense and sometimes terrifying. This is due to the hyper vigilance caused by the psychological injury we have sustained. Dealing with the emotions can be hard, but it must be learned. It’s so important not to bury them or try to hide from them. A good therapist will use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT to help you to come to terms with these feelings.

Most importantly, you need to learn and understand that what happened was beyond your control. You didn’t cause it to happen, and you most certainly didn’t deserve for it to happen.

You also need to accept that it happened, and that the toxic situation can never be recovered or ‘repaired’. All you can do is learn, and move on. Accept also that it will not happen overnight, and that there is no miracle cure. It will take you a lot of hard work and determination to recover, and there will be pitfalls along the way. It can seem like such a mammoth task when you’re being overwhelmed with all the negative emotions C-PTSD brings. But rest assured it IS recoverable.

Also, be aware that C-PTSD is NOT a personality disorder. It has sometimes been (wrongly) linked to BPD, but this is mis-information! As I said before, it is an INJURY and has nothing to do with a personality disorder.

For more information/advice on C-PTSD, go here

But don't rely on the internet, get some support!

xx

for my little man.....

2011-02-20T02:51:00.000-08:00

who is now FOUR!!

Oh little man
You've changed my life
I ache each time you smile
You bring such joy
My baby boy
Make everything worthwhile

And even though
You're still so small
You radiate such light
Those eyes of blue
Love shining through
For me
A wondrous sight

Each day you change
In some small way
I dare not miss a thing
Ten tiny toes
Cute button nose
A laugh to make me sing

I touch your skin
So soft and pure
You lie inside my arms
To keep you here
Away from fear
I can't resist your charms

Your cheeky grin
Can make me smile
It has the power to heal
Your laugh, so pure
I do adore
Your mischief I can feel

I stand in awe
My gorgeous boy
My little man, my son
Sent from above
With so much love
My sunshine, you're the one

Love you, my sunshine xxxx

The second Writers's Platform - Building Crusade.

2011-02-16T07:08:00.000-08:00

Well done to Rach Writes for having this amazing idea.

I've been busy adding all the wonderful new writers out there! Good luck to you all!

Guest Post by Sarah Strudwick, Author of 'Dark Souls'

2011-02-16T03:09:00.000-08:00

Why I wrote Dark Souls - Healing and Recovering from Toxic Relationships

I was asked recently by a colleague and friend after getting so much flack for writing Dark Souls to remain focussed on the reasons why I wrote it and not to get sidetracked by their own hidden agendas. Don't get me wrong I have had many people share positive experiences about how much the book has helped them but no one would have wanted Dark Souls to get published moreso than those people who are disordered themselves. Unfortunately its those very people whom I have have spent my life trying to get away from that I had to defend myself against, although now I have the ability to stand in my power and say No to those who criticise and judge me for having the guts to speak out.

Victims have been emailing me over the year and sharing their own stories and a few have asked me if I would be doing speaking events. Occasionally I will share their stories on the website with their permission.

I had originally planned on doing talks and lectures to educate people about the psychopathic type personality but I often sidetrack myself with other work as I have a fear of speaking in front of large groups of people. This was apparent a couple of years ago when I decided to enter a competition called Britain's Next Top Coach and the mere thought of speaking to more than a handful of people would start to make me feel quite nervous.

In all honesty I wrote Dark Souls after spending years around psychopathic and narcissistic type personalities and I guess after meeting Oliver without ever before knowing what a disordered personality was, Oliver was the straw that broke the Donkeys back. I made a decision there and then, after I asked him to go, that I never wanted another person to have go through what I had with these insidious individuals and end up being victimized. Its bad enough being victimised by a narcissist who is a little easier to spot that a psychopath whereas with a psychopathic type you don't realise you are being victimized until its too late. As Sarah Tate a fellow author wrote in the Devil is in the Detail, there appears to be two types. One is “in your face” whereas the other is a “slow burner". Either type are just as dangerous and neither have the ability to feel any kind of empathy for their victims.

My other reasons for writing Dark Souls was to educate people and give them the tools that I wish I had had many years ago as a child. I am hoping that one day I can write a book that teenagers can read at school and learn how not to be victimised by sociopaths before it happens. You cannot change the nature of the beast but you can change your reactions towards them by being prepared and armed with information that will help you spot predators in the first place.

And finally, I wrote Dark Souls because most women and men who have been burned by these people are left emotionally, and spiritually broken. That coupled with the fact that they are usually financially ruined. They often don't have the money they need to spend on getting themselves healed because they are too busy dealing with the financial aftermath of the relationship. I wanted to give the readers some tools they could use immediately to get them out of victim mode and start their journey into recovery. Depending on the victims mindset at the time that the relationship ends and whether or not they have children to support (most psychopathic types leave their partners and offer no financial support to their spouses). The last thing on the persons mind is to pay for counselling/support when their priority is feeding their children.

Since writing Dark Souls last year its been a real eye opener for me. I have realised that there is a whole can of worms that I hadn't even realised my ex was up too along with all the other things I wrote about in the book. The more I uncover the more it amazes and baffles me. However rather than spending time wondering why he did this or that I return my focus back to myself and my own family and how I can move on and rebuild my own life.

For those that have already read Dark Souls and other books on disordered personalities and healing that I have recommended on the book page such as those by Sarah Tate and George Simon. The whole process of discovering their lies and healing is like a jigsaw puzzle. Before you discover books on narcissism, sociopathy and Cluster B's,its a bit like a person doing a jigsaw puzzle in the dark. You know there's something wrong, you know where the next piece is but you just cant quite put your finger on it. Suddenly the light goes on and you have a lightbulb moment. Once you have discovered all the pieces and put them back together piece by piece, you look back and have a much clearer picture of what has happened and then you finally realise throughout all the craziness that you weren't the one that was crazy, they were.

Most authors of books on psychopathy ,sociopathy, narcissism and the psychopathic type unless of course they are narcissists themselves will normally always have the same agenda. To ensure that others don't have to endure what they went through. For example when George Simon and other professionals like Dr Robert Hare who have developed the psychopathy checklist wrote their books they may not have been victims but they would have written because the old models that worked before are no longer working. Victims like Sarah Tate and myself wrote our books because we just wanted our message out there in the hope that others would eventually see through the mask of their abusers and not get victimised like we were.

Looking on the bright side.............

2011-02-11T08:29:00.000-08:00

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all the experiences I’ve had during the last few years of my life, it’s that there are positives to be drawn from even what seem to be the darkest of situations.

When we’re going through hell, we are consumed by our own troubles, and our minds can focus on little else except surviving the current danger and getting ourselves back into a better place. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s a primitive inbuilt reaction and it is designed to motivate us to drive ourselves into a better place, to overcome the hurdles and regain life’s equilibrium. This is the cycle of life, and it happens again and again.

However, it doesn’t do any of us any harm, if once in a while, we take some time to get things into perspective, and look for the positives in life.
I have recently been humbled to learn about the experiences of friends of mine, who, whilst I was going through my (utterly trivial by comparison) woes, were suffering their own, much deeper distress.

Those of us who are lucky enough to be in good health just tend to take it for granted. I know I do. Of course I worry about falling ill, more so since I’ve been a parent. I often fret about what would happen to my children if anything ‘happened’ to me. Thankfully though, I have never been confronted with a situation where I’ve had to deal with this very frightening prospect.

Friends of mine have, and they have shown immeasurable courage when faced with seemingly impossible and terrifying situations. I sat in tears listening to these friends recount their stories. I had to ask them: ‘But how did you cope?’
Their answer: ‘You just do’.

This is so true, we find ourselves thrown into a situation, and we really don’t have time to get scared, or pensive, especially when there are little people who require our love and attention. We go into ‘auto-pilot’ mode. Our amazing ‘fight or flight’ instinct kicks in, and we do whatever we need to do, just to get through.
It doesn’t mean we’re not all heroes though, because it does require inordinate amounts of strength and courage to deal with certain situations, not least (as in the case of my two friends) with the very real prospect of death, and its tragic aftermath.

To my friends who have been through this recently, I salute you. I cannot imagine how you coped, but you did, and you’ve come out of it stronger and better people. Your families remain intact, and no doubt closer as a result of the drama you faced.
Life changing events have a habit of bringing us closer together and strengthening bonds with loved ones. We appreciate the small details of life much more, just because we know we’re lucky to even have a life at all.

As with my friends, the ‘drama’ is now over for me, and I’ve reached a place where I’m able to look back and see the positives which came out of the situation. I appreciate how lucky I am, how lucky I am to have three happy and healthy children, and how lucky we all are just to have each other. I certainly don’t take things for granted the way I used to.

My experience has also taught me to grow a thicker skin, I’m much more reticent now than I was in the past.

Petty squabbles no longer interest me. I avoid confrontation wherever I can. I don’t have the energy for it.

I have realized that my energies are better spent focusing on the good things in life, on the things which bring me joy, and on the things from which I can learn.
Sure, life is never going to be 100% perfect for any of us. There are always going to be certain situations which work out, and others which don’t go quite according to plan. But there are always things to be learned from every situation. Of that I’m sure.

My new motto: Don’t waste time peering into the gloom. Turn to the light, and smile.

The Devil is in the Detail.......

2011-02-03T11:27:00.000-08:00

Learning & Looking Forwards......

2011-01-14T09:37:00.000-08:00

Happy New year to one and all! May this year bring peace and contentment to all those who seek it.

For the Tate family, we go the year off to a good start. I've finally got the print version of Web Of Lies out. It's been a while coming, and we had some technical hitches along the way, but it's finally out, fully re-proofed and with a new cover for the print copies.

It's still available on smashwords and Kindle where it continues to do well.

From the feedback I'm getting, many of my European readers are relieved to see a print version out though. I think we prefer to have a 'real' book to read in bed of an evening. It's certainly nice as a first time Author to finally hold the finished book in your hand. I savoured that moment for sure!

And to go with the release of the book, there is a new look Homepage as well.

So it's a busy start to the year for me, with a whole round of publicity and marketing to organise and execute. As any writer knows, the work doesn't end when the book comes out - it begins! I'm on a learning curve again, but so far things are going well, and I'm happy with the inroads I'm making as I take my first tentative steps out of the comfort zone of 'Author' and into the uncharted territory of 'Marketeer'.

And amidst all the book promo work, and nine-to-five office work, and let's not forget my primary job as CEO, CCbw( Chief Cook and bottle washer), PEO(Primary Entertainment Organiser), CSG (Chief Security Guard) SFO (Soul Financial Officer) and EHG (Executive Hug-Giver) of 'Tate Inc, Switzerland' There must still surely be time to write another book.

Yes, you heard it, another book!

And this will be the test, because this book will be my first foray into the world of fiction. I know my characters well. They have been living with me for a couple of months now, (mostly in my head, but also on various bits of paper, my dicta-phone & my Iphone!), and in 2011 I hope you will meet them too.

Always learning, and looking forwards. That's my motto for 2011!

Exciting times ahead…..

2010-12-06T09:22:00.000-08:00

It’s that time of year again. It’s a time when we reflect on times past, and look forward to the New Year ahead. 2010 has been a really great year for the Tate family. It didn’t start off so well, but when I think about how much has happened inside the space of the last twelve months I feel quite amazed at how much we have managed to pack into it all.

I finished writing my first book, Web of Lies, in January, and at the same time I began writing this blog in order to help me promote the book and help others through sharing my own experiences.
The road to publication has been a bumpy one. We managed to get Web of Lies out in E format by late August, but there have been many hiccups getting the print version ready. To all those who have waited patiently, I thank you. Hopefully all the problems have by now been ironed out and the print version should be available to order very soon. Watch this space........

Since setting up the website and the blog, I have met many interesting people who have really enriched my life and taught me so much about psychology, personality disorders, healing, therapy and counselling.
Many people who have contacted me have had experiences similar to my own. I’m glad these people have contacted me, and directed me to the many amazing support sites which exist to help the victims of psychopathic narcissists.
I’ve blogged about some of the great books and websites before, and you can also find my recommended reading list on my website

I have now also teamed up with a fantastic Author, Sarah Strudwick, who wrote the book Dark Souls,and together we have founded the website Waking You Up
The new site pulls a wealth of information together in order to help people BEFORE they become the victims of the psychopathic narcissist. It also addresses the recent APA announcement that NPD will be re-classified under the APD (psychopathic) label. Please visit the website for more information on these changes.

Dr David Holmes, Senior Psychology Lecturer and Director of the Forensic Research Group at Manchester Metropolitan University, said of Waking You Up

Congratulations! An excellent no nonsense website, which I will promote to students and others. As you state it is a growing issue of vital importance to the population at large who are reluctant to recognise the enemy within but increasingly reward even revere insensitivity to others.
The APA will always make changes - not always for the better - NPD tends to be distinguished from some psychopathic traits. My view is we need greater awareness by detailed understanding from cases and removing some of these 'lightbulb' recognition details may just cause identification to fail. As you say people may be reluctant to perceive husbands etc as 'antisocial' or 'psychopathic' as labels.

It’s so important to realise that these people do not visit the doctors and be diagnosed. They have to be identified and exposed by those close to them, which is hard, and anything that makes it easier will limit the damage done.

Waking-You-Up has the sole aim of helping to educate people about the dangers of psychopaths and hopefully expose some of the ‘red flags’ which we should all look out for when entering a new relationship.
We plan workshops for 2011, and we will team up with many well-known Psychologists and Authors in order to help spread the word and provide help and support for those who need it.

In addition to all that, my second book ‘Renaissance – A Journal of Discovery’ is now complete and will be ready to order in early 2011. The new book is a message of hope for all those who’ve found themselves affected by a destructive relationship, and it is my wish that it offers some much needed encouragement for anybody who has had to re-build their lives from scratch after escaping from the spider’s web.
For more information on the new book, check the website over the coming weeks.

So, there is much to look forward to in 2011!

In the meantime, my thoughts have turned to Christmas, snow, family, food & drink, and of course hearing my children’s laughter. Christmas is all about the kids after all, and I relish the thought of seeing the looks on their faces on Christmas morning after Santa has paid his visit. I intend to enjoy the time with close family and friends, and recuperate after our busy year.
2010 is ending on a high note.

Here’s hoping for more of the same next year too.

To everybody, I wish you a very Merry Christmas, and a peaceful 2011.

A quick word on 'Renaissance'

2010-11-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

I stated in a blog post back in February that the epilogue for Web of Lies may well end up turning into a book of its own.

Well I was right, it has.

Like Web of Lies before it, Renaissance has taken on a life of its own. I’m not driving this book, it is driving me.

I began writing it in response to the many enquiries I’d received from readers regarding mine and the children’s well-being. My initial plan was to just write an update, to let everybody know that there is light at the end of the long, dark tunnel, and that I was now stepping out into it. I wanted everybody to know that the darkness doesn’t last forever, and that with time, patience, and the help of loved ones, you can overcome just about anything.

When I began to write though, it became apparent that the recovery message is every bit as powerful and relevant as the message about recognizing the abuse in the first place. It doesn't end when you make the break. If anything, escape is just the beginning.

Nothing can be rushed, that’s what I’ve learned these past few years. We go through certain processes as we move forward with our lives, recovery is one of those processes. And as long as we keep our minds open, accept our limitations, and recognize our potential, we will continue to evolve and grow as individuals, and we can achieve just about anything we want to.

Through writing Renaissance, I have also learned another very important lesson; namely, that to reach the light, we must sometimes re-visit the dark.

There is a ‘Therapist’ who features quite heavily in Renaissance. I visit her with regularity in the book (as I did in real life), and she advises and guides both me and the children towards recovery.

In Renaissance, the ‘Therapist’ has actually become the amalgamation of several different people I have met (and many I have not met, but merely corresponded with) along the road to recovery. And so, the ‘Therapist’ has evolved into a mechanism for explaining everything that I learned over the past three years.

Renaissance is not intended as a self-help book, there are plenty excellent ones about already, and they are written by people far better qualified that I am when it comes to educating the reader in what to expect and how to react. I simply wanted to describe the process I have experienced personally, and what I have gained from it. I have left the psychology to the experts, from whom I’ve learned so much during this journey. And so, my books are not psychological road-maps, they simply relay a real life story, and hopefully demonstrate that we, as ordinary people, can ALL do extraordinary things.

I hope that my portrayal of the ‘Therapist’ in this book pays suitable homage to all those people who have helped me and the kids along the recovery journey. I hope that the reader can learn from the ‘Therapist’, in the same way I have learned from friends, family, fellow authors, and experts in the field of psychology.

And with that, I shall return to my writing.

When will I love again......?

2010-10-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

I recently read an excellent article which gives tips on how to prevent yourself from falling into the same trap again with regards to having a romantic relationship with a sociopath or narcissist. It’s something which worries each and every one of us. I’ve had many questions since the book was published regarding this very matter, and believe me, it’s something I’ve also pondered long and hard myself.

There is no fixed time-scale for recovery, but I believe you must be a good way down the recovery path before you can consider getting involved in any sort of romantic relationship.

Most of the women who contact me ask “will I ever be able to trust a partner again?” I would say the answer to that question should be an emphatic ‘yes’. What’s harder to answer is “can I ever trust my own judgement again?” That (to me at least) is the tougher of the two questions.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll be wondering how it was you could have got it so wrong. How could I not notice the warning signs in the beginning? Why was I so blind? And why on earth did it take me so long before I finally woke up and pulled the plug?

Don’t beat yourself up about these things. NPD/APD’s are masters of disguise. It’s almost impossible not to be taken in by their lies. Remind yourself how many others were also fooled at the same time. Your friends, family, business people, bank managers etc. How many others were taken in during the time that you knew him? I bet there were a good few, right? So don’t be too hard on yourself for falling for his charms. You won’t be the first, and you won’t be the last either. So the best thing to do is ACCEPT it, and move on.

What are the chances of it happening again?

Well, that again depends on how quickly you can facilitate recovery, and how much you have learned to accept about what happened. In my opinion, it cannot happen quickly. If you find yourself getting involved with somebody again almost immediately, then my advice would be to take a step back. Give yourself time. It's a knee-jerk reaction and totally normal to want to 'replace' the relationship as quickly as possible. But, unless you head is in the right place, you risk either getting involved with somebody who isn’t right for you, or once again getting sucked in by the same characteristics you were attracted to the last time.

The article gives excellent advice with regards to waiting. You need to re-discover yourself and what drives you emotionally. This can only be done over time, and by finding ways to enrich your life in other ways which don’t include romance, at least not for now. There's much more to life than being somebody's 'significant other', so enjoy the time you have to concentrate on your own emotions, without having to worry about somebody else's.

If you have kids, take the time to focus solely on them. The chances are, you’ve been deprived of quality time with one another because of all the stress caused by the relationship breakdown and the subsequent fallout. Spend time with them, and you’ll find that for the time being at least, you don’t need anything or anybody else in your life.

Apart from kids (or if there aren’t any kids),surround yourself with good, reliable people. Become a good, reliable person yourself. Cultivate friendships, and step back from shallow people who drain your energy. The people who stand by you during the difficult times are worth their weight in gold. Hang on to them, and you’ll never be lonely again.

One of the most difficult things to do after the break down of a toxic relationship is to rebuild self-esteem. Again, time is the key. You need to actually get used to being on your own again and being happy in your own skin. It takes time to regain confidence and repair the damage. Don't rush it, you'll recover at your own pace. You'll know when you're ready to move on, and into another relationship.

Be assured though, you are better equipped now than you were when you met your ex. You will know the signs to watch out for, and you’ll trust your inner voice more this time too! You'll instinctively be on your guard, and therefore less vulnerable than last time. Once you've understood what it was about you that attracted him/her in the first place, you'll know what needs to be changed the next time you venture into 'dating' territory. And when you do, just try to relax and enjoy the experience of getting to know somebody new, but go at YOUR pace and make sure you have clear boundaries set from the start.

If it feels wrong, then it probably is.

The experience you had with your ex will arm you for the future. Believe that you will find happiness again, and you will, in time.

So, to answer the question "When will I love again?" I can only say "When you're ready, and not a moment before."

"If you wish to succeed in life, make perseverance your bosom friend, experience your wise counsellor, caution your elder brother, and hope your guardian genius."
Joseph Addison

Words........

2010-10-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

Inspired by a lovely compliment I received today, I'm posting these song lyrics, which appear in the book

If there are any musicians out there, I'm looking for music for this song.....

Words come so easy to one such as you
When words flow with ease, they don't need to be true
Creating a world, a fictitous story
Becoming a God in your kingdom of glory

Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words can't make love, and our love is broken

A wonderful hero, a spectacular mind
Words upon words, no substance behind
But here in the real world, words aren't enough
They give no support, when the going gets tough

Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
Your words can't heal love, our love is so broken

Here in the land of the living and breathing
Reality's hard, there are mouths that need feeding
Actions speak louder than words in this life
Your actions destroyed us, they cut like a knife

Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words can't save love, and our love is broken

Promises promises, I've heard them for years
Words and more words, they fall on deaf ears
Empty and void, your words are so shallow
No longer ring true, they are empty and hollow

Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words can't heal love, our love is so broken

So I listen no more to the romantic dream
I can take it no longer, your words make me scream
So go forth and conquer, imaginary knight
Find another young mind, your words to excite

Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words won't save love, our love it is broken

Write some more words, but leave me in peace
Keep living your dreamland, just give me release
Further and further, you're fading away
You ran and you hid, left me in today

Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words can't heal love, our love is so broken

Linguistic expression can't repair what you've done
Run along to your tart now, for my love has gone....

note: Inspired by the 1992 song of the same name, by Madonna

Eclipsed heart and mind of the Narcissist

2010-10-02T04:05:00.000-07:00

I really think this song deserves an airing on here. It says so much.

Dealing with anger...a skill we must learn

2010-09-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

When I first contacted the brother of my ex’s late wife, almost nine years had passed since her death. I was concerned that I might be opening up old wounds, and was therefore very cautious when approaching him.

Despite the long time lapse, he was still very angry about the damage caused to his sister by my ex. In fact, I think that perhaps the anger had grown over time. It’s easy to understand why this happens. It’s due to a lack of closure. He was never able to get the answers he sought about his sisters’ tragic demise. He had sent Emails to my ex to demand an explanation, but was met with nothing but stony silence. This had left him in a state of frustrated limbo, with no outlet for his feelings of anger towards my ex.

The same thing happened to me when my relationship broke down. So many questions were left unanswered, and despite my best efforts, I was unable to get any satisfactory explanation as to what had happened. I felt overwhelmed with bitter recrimination.

At the time, I was ignorant to his Personality Disorder, and as a result of this, I ended up turning a lot of the anger and frustration in on myself. This placed me in a living hell, and it took me many months, and a great deal of will power, to get myself out of the pit.

During that time, I was advised to use my anger to give me strength. This was very good advice, and I follow it to this day.

Anger is a powerful source of energy, and I found I was able to use that energy to spur me on and get myself away from the toxic situation.
Anger can be positive in this respect. It's a primary instinct which creates fire in our bellies, and is fundamental in aiding our ‘fight or flight’ instinct.
With me, flight came first. Initially, I knew I needed to get myself and the kids away from this situation, at any cost. It was preservation, fuelled by anger, that got me through this time. Instinct took over, and I found myself on auto-pilot. The anger drove me through, and gave me the energy to get away from the 'danger'.

Once away, the anger didn’t abate. If anything, as I started to gain inner strength and recover some clarity of thought, I found the anger was deepening. This time, it was directed towards my ex. There is no tangible release for anger such as this, because being angry with your NPD/APD ex is akin to banging your own head against a brick wall. You’re just going to hurt yourself. It’s never going to get you anywhere, because he/she will never acknowledge they have done wrong, and, therefore, your anger can never be ‘validated’.

Closure will evade you for as long as you are in a highly fragile angered state. You need to find an outlet, or a channel, or the energy will eat away at you and you'll be the one to suffer.

For me, some release came through learning more about my ex’s history. I was fortunate that by making contact with his late wife’s brother, I was able to gain knowledge which ‘armed’ me for future dealings with him ( the ensuing anger gave me the strength to fight). It was also an enormous help to the brother, who was finally given an outlet for his own anger. By swapping information with me, he was able to come to terms with what had happened to his sister.

It wasn’t closure for either of us, but it was certainly a step closer. His anger was validated by hearing what I had to say, and mine was validated by hearing the truth about what had happened to his sister. This knowledge helped me to make sense of the situation I was in. Temporarily, you can bet we both got even angrier! But at least we were able to vent to eachother, and hence find a release for the pent up emotions we both harboured. It was a step forwards for both of us. One step further down the road to recovery from the impact the NPD/APD had on both our lives.

Further release came through learning about the psychology aspect of what had happened to me. It was certainly a ‘light bulb moment’ when I discovered the true nature of Personality Disorders (in this case NPD/APD), and the havoc they wreak upon the loved ones of sufferers. It suddenly started to make sense, and I was able to look back over the entire relationship and pinpoint all the ‘warning signs’ I’d ignored along the way. Suddenly I became aware that I wasn’t the first (and won’t be the last) to have gone through this nightmare. Knowing you are not alone is extremely empowering. Learning about the root cause of the problem, equally so. This gave more validation, and reduced the anger to a more manageable level.

It was also very important for me to understand (as I’ve said before) my own role in the relationship.

Understanding how YOU have contributed to a pattern of events is an essential part of the healing process.

Inevitably I got angry with myself. This is only natural. Many of the events could not have taken place were it not for my active participation. However, I had to learn not blame myself for what happened.

We all need to learn to accept that it wasn't our fault. We must accept we made errors of judgement about his/her character. Acknowledge that we made some misguided decisions whilst in the relationship. We must admit these blunders, and then move on from them.

Again, don’t place unrealistic expectations on yourself about the feelings of anger. They are going to keep coming in waves for a long time yet. And nothing you can do will be able to prevent it.

If, (like me) you have been left with children to nurture and a mountain of debt to overcome (or other similar seemingly hopeless circumstances), you can’t expect the anger to dissipate any time soon. I still get very angry in certain situations. When I observe the hurt which has been caused to the children (triggers for this usually come out of the blue, from the mouths of the children themselves), or see glimpses of 'what might have been' when I look at other ‘normal’ families, it hurts me to the core. This hurt is then quickly replaced by searing anger.

This is a cycle I’ve come to accept. I know there’s no point trying to fight it, so I am resigned to the inevitability of these feelings. However, instead of letting the fire consume me when it comes, I instead try to channel the energy it generates.

I use this energy boost to fuel my determination to be a better and more dedicated Mum to my kids. I try to turn the anger into a solid resolve to fix the mass of problems the ex created in his wake, and to succeed where he so miserably failed.

Like other emotions, you cannot just switch anger off. What you can do though, is try to release it safely without doing any harm to yourself or your loved ones. You CAN turn it from a negative into a positive. Let it become a driving force in your determination to overcome the situation you have been left with. Learn to channel this powerful emotion to YOUR benefit, and yours alone.

Failing this, you need an outlet. Talk, talk, and talk some more! Talk to anybody who will listen. Vent, and get it out.

If there’s nobody to talk to, do something energetic. Go for a run, hit the gym, or simply punch your pillow. Don’t keep it in. It has to come out.

Try not to dwell on your feelings of anger towards your ex. As I said before, the PD is no outlet. Your anger AT him/her will never be validated BY him/her, therefore, it's energy wasted.

It happened. You can’t change it. You can’t change him/her. He/she couldn't even help it, so there's just no point being angry at them.

Scream out loud if you must, but keep the anger in the moment. Don’t let it spill over into the rest of your life.

Wounds like this don’t heal easily. It’s unrealistic to expect ourselves to be ‘fixed’ within any given time frame. All you can do is face each wave of anger as it comes, and either channel it in a positive way (fight or flight), or simply let it go.

Whatever you do though, don’t bottle it up. You can never heal if you do. Bottling it up is like picking at the wound from within. It will irritate it, and infect it, and you’ll end up carrying even deeper scars than before.

As hard as it may seem, you must let it go. You’re not ‘letting him/her get away with it’ by releasing the anger and no longer harbouring resentment. On the contrary, you’re rising above it, and into a place where they can never hurt you again.

Anger is a primary instinct over which we have little influence. We should not try to ignore or suppress our anger, but instead learn to respond to it in a way which will ultimately facilitate our recovery.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha

Mr Duplicity....beware of passive aggression

2010-09-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

Extract from Web of Lies - My Life with a Narcissist

"“We’ve been married three years today,” I said
“Yes, I know.”
“It’s been a hell of a three years, hasn’t it?”
“It sure has.” He wasn’t smiling. He looked almost bored.
“Ask me if I’m happy.”
“What?” He rolled his eyes to the ceiling in a ‘oh here we go again’ expression of
exasperation.
“Ask me if I’m happy Bill. Do you think I’m happy? Do I look happy to you?”
“I’m trying my hardest to make you happy, but it seems at the moment nothing is
good enough”
“Nothing’s good enough? How can you say that after I’ve put up with so much in
such a short space of time?”
“I know it’s been hard, but none of it is my fault. You wanted to come to France, I
didn’t force you!”
“I wanted to come to France because thanks to you we were no longer able to stay in
Switzerland full time. I wanted our family to be together, not thousands of miles apart. I had no choice but to come to France.
“But, Bill, it’s your apathy that I cannot stand. I’ve never seen you pursue anything with such rigour and determination as you pursued me in the early days. Since we’ve been married, all that drive and determination has dissolved away! You don’t look after yourself. You’ve gained weight. You don’t want to take part in family activities. You lock yourself in your office. You say you are chasing ‘big deals’ but what deals? When has any single one of them ever succeeded? You ignore your youngest daughter! You have two daughters you know.”
“I do not ignore Alice!”
“Yes you do! You don’t even know you’re doing it! It’s not just me who has noticed
it, my parents have noticed it too, they spoke to me about it when they were here,and again at Christmas.”
“That’s rubbish!” He said. “Listen, all you ever do is criticise me recently. You say
I’m apathetic, but to be honest it’s difficult to remain motivated when all you do is hound me. I need your support; I need you to believe in me! You say you want our relationship to work, yet how can it when we sleep in different rooms? We’re not having a normal relationship. If we were having a normal relationship, I would be happy and motivated.
As it is, you clearly don’t like to be around me, so I keep out of the way. But know this,Sarah: I love you and I adore my girls. You are my world and I will do everything I can to give you the life you want. You just have to really want it, and you have to get back to believing in me.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As soon as I heard the phrase ‘passive aggression’ it struck an instant cord with me. I knew I’d been on the receiving end of it, even if I didn’t realise it at the time.

Of course, it’s easy for me to recognise and acknowledge this with the benefit of hindsight, but for those of you who are still dealing with the person who is being passively aggressive; it can be difficult to spot the signs.

Start here: If you’ve ever had a conversation like the one described above, if these conversations happen regularly, and you are left feeling guilty and apologetic in the aftermath, then you are involved with a passive aggressive partner.

You can tell yourself as many times as you like, that you’re ‘not being abused’ but you ARE! Abuse doesn’t have to be physical to be real. This form of abuse may be subtle, but it’s no less damaging. You feel angry and frustrated. You feel you are the one who is always ‘losing your cool’, when he appears to remain calm and even a little perplexed by your behaviour.

You are being manipulated!

Passive Aggressive abuse is defined as follows:

Passive Aggressive behaviour is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse."

A passive aggressive male always needs an object upon which to focus his antagonism. This is more often that not going to be his partner or spouse, but it can also be his child, co-worker or sub-ordinates. He will appear to be outwardly loving, caring, and generous, whilst simultaneously exercising an uncanny ability to undermine your confidence, deliver veiled insults (disguised as jokes), and leave you believing YOU are the one who can’t contain your anger.

It’s an impossible situation to find yourself in, and nothing you can do is going to change his behaviour. The best thing you can do, as I’ve said many times before, is to try to arm yourself with as much knowledge about this type of behaviour as possible. Acknowledging it, learning about it, and (most importantly) accepting it, will ultimately set you free.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll need persuading that what you are experiencing is real (and tangible) abuse. Please be assured though. Just because you have experienced abuse of this kind, it does not make you a weak person. It can happen to anybody, and indeed it happens to people from all walks of life, and at all social and educational levels.

You are not the one with the problem! Keep reminding yourself of this, because when you are deeply entwined with a person like this, they will try every trick in the book to make you believe you are at fault for all that is happening.

If, however, you are able to understand it and accept it, then you are a truly strong person. As soon as you have recognised the abuse, you have turned a corner, and are no longer a victim.

Keep reading, keep sharing, keep learning……

"The man with this type of pattern shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of others. He obstructs and blocks progress to others getting what they want and then ignores or minimalizes their dissatisfactions and anger. He is silent when confronted as he has never learned to compromise. He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved hobbies."

"The man with passive aggressive actions is a master in getting his partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He encourages her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. When backed into a corner, he may explode and switch to aggressive aggressive behavior then switch back to passivity. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change. He may appease her and clean up his act after a blow up for several weeks, then it's back to business as usual."

"The passive aggressive man is the classic underachiever with a fear of competition in the work place. He cannot take constructive feedback from others. His fear of criticism, not following through and his inability to see his part in any conflict keeps him from advancing on the job."

From the fantastic Blog Mailman Delivers....a story of betrayal

"It makes you the bad guy. Passive-aggressive hostility is so subtle, the skilled practitioner is often in a good position to deny it’s even there – blaming you for the inevitable confrontation that results. You blow up; he remains calm. Suddenly you seem like the aggressor. Maybe even to yourself. The incredible final straw, is when you apologize to him. Because your inner voice is telling you that he’s not being open with you, you experience conflict and stress."

Passive Aggression

"Recognize that a passive aggressive person is not a victim. Interacting with a passive aggressive person is like a dance. He plays the victim, and it is your role to bend over backward to “protect” him from being victimized. This dynamic puts the passive aggressive person in control. He is anything but a “victim.”"

Passive Aggressive Behaviour

"Rather than have a confrontation, the passive aggressive person acts sneakily.They lie and deceive. They give their word but do not keep it. They mumble rather than speak clearly."

Passive Aggressive

"Yet, the result is the same. Things are sabotaged by the passive-aggressive and it somehow is never their fault. A really good passive aggressive is very slippery with excuses, justifications, or alternative reasons for why things go awry. Passive-Aggression may not be expressed directly in behavior-but in words or humor. Sarcasm which communicates hostility is often a tool of the passive-aggressive person, as are jokes made at your expense"

How to deal with difficult people

Healing through learning….knowledge is power

2010-09-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

I have been pretty overwhelmed by the response I’ve had these last couple of weeks to my post about the stages you go through in a relationship with a 'Cluster B' personality disorder. I wrote that post from my own (very personal) experience, and have been so amazed and encouraged to learn that so many others can relate to it, and indeed identify the various stages within their own toxic relationships.

It’s always good to know you’re not alone. I spent far too long believing I was the only person going through this, and not even realising I was dealing with a disordered individual. Certainly, when I first sought professional help and was told I’d most likely been married to a PD, I found it difficult to get my head around. I had been conditioned to believe I was the one with the problem, and it took a while before I was able to really believe that wasn't the case.

Sure, I knew towards the end that the person I was with was pathological, but it took me many months (and detachment from the relationship) to finally comprehend just what it was I’d been up against.

My therapist was amazing. She was the one who finally convinced me that it wasn’t me who had the problem. She helped me back onto my feet again, and helped me to re-discover the confident and vibrant person I had been prior to the toxic relationship. I will always be grateful to her for her unparalleled support and encouragement. She pointed me in the right direction, and waved me off down the road to recovery.

Since then, it has been a journey of discovery and information gathering. The more I’ve learned, the more I’ve healed. When I began writing the book I had a fair bit of information about NPD, but was not aware of the co-morbid disorders, nor how seriously affected my ex partner had actually been.

But we can’t learn (and therefore heal) without help and support from our family,friends and peers. The internet is an amazing place in this respect. If we reach out, and use the right words, we can access information and support from all over the globe.

I would like to extend a very special thanks to top UK Forensic Pathologist Dr David Holmes.
I first wrote to David in early 2010 to ask him to read my book and give his professional opinion. I was amazed by the comments he wrote, and am truly grateful to have received professional endorsement of my book. You can find out more about David’s academic work in the field of abnormal psychology by reading his latest book, which includes a Chapter outlining Personality Disorders and the three 'Cluster' groups.

I would also like to recommend other resources which I have found to be invaluable along my ‘learning and healing’ journey. I hope they will also be of use to readers of my book and blog. Please feel free to contact me to add more to this resource list:

Lisa E Scott.
Lisa wrote a book called ‘It’s all about HIM’ which was released in 2009. Her book and website were amongst the first I came across when researching NPD and its related disorders. She helps her readers identify the traits of NPD and provides encouragement to those trying to escape the relationship. She also has a great site with a very supportive community for victims of toxic relationships, particularly NPD.

Forum:Out of the Fog
I was drawn to this wonderful forum after posting my Cluster B blog. It has a wonderful community and an abundance of information for those who have been involved with PD’s. If you are in such a relationship, be it with a family member, parent, child, spouse, or work colleague, you can get support on this forum.

Daily Strength
A huge on line community with support groups on just about every subject.

Joe Navarro
I recently found Joe on Twitter, and he has been kind enough to take the time to read my recent posts and recommend them to his followers. I’m only just beginning to discover Joe’s work, but I certainly wish I’d read this much sooner. Fascinating stuff.

Another unmissable book, is 'The Sociopath Next Door', in which Martha Stout debunks the traditional ‘Ted Bundy’ perception of a sociopath, and explains in shocking clarity the traits of the ‘every day’ APD.

Similarly,Without Conscience by Robert D Hare explains, in layman’s terms, the characteristics of a psychopath. If you suspect you are involved with one, this is another must read.

Next, there are the blogs of ordinary people, who have survived the extraordinary, and have gone on to share with the world. I'll add to these as I go along. If you know of a good support blog, please let me know.

Surviving Narcissism

The Story of my Life

Lovefraud

and finally.....

Web of Lies on FB

The new Sarah Tate Message Board

Recovery

2010-08-27T08:09:00.000-07:00

Recovery is, by definition:

the act or process of recovering
restoration to a normal condition
the regaining of something lost

No time-scale can be given for the recovery period following years of maltreatment in a dysfunctional relationship, just as no time-scale can be given for the five stages you go through whilst actually in the relationship.

It varies so widely from case to case, and is also greatly dependant upon outside factors such as financial circumstances, if there are children to consider, or whether or not you have a reliable support network to support and facilitate your release and recovery.

It also depends very much on where your head is during the ‘release’ phase, and how well you are able to deal with the enormous amounts of stress you will undoubtedly be placed under. This is especially the case where children are involved.

One thing is certain, you will not come out of it completely unscathed, and a ‘restoration to a normal condition’ can be a long shot at best, impossible at worst.
So don’t expect ‘normality’ to return. Nothing will be as it was before. This is just another inevitability which you need to accept.

Another thing which is certain; you cannot enter the recovery phase until you’ve been all the way through the release phase. Recovery can be greatly delayed if you still have to deal with your pathological ex on a regular basis. It can still be achieved, but it will inevitably take longer, as you feel yourself pulled and pushed between the past, the present, and your hopes for the future.
Even if your ex is still in your life, it doesn’t mean release cannot be achieved. But it can only be achieved, when you are no longer an available supply to your pathological ex. Cut off the supply, and release will come quickly.

My advice is not to put too much pressure on yourself. Take it a day at a time, and don’t scare yourself by trying to predict what might happen. I made the mistake of expecting far too much of myself, far too soon. This inevitably led to me fuelling my own frustrations, and hence hampered my recovery.
Take small (yet steadfast) steps. Stay determined, and resolved. Don't let him/her sidetrack you. Once you're on the road....stay on it!
Over time, you’ll find your steps become strides, then leaps, then bounds.

First, though, there will be a dark, dark period to endure. It will be a period where you don’t recognise yourself or your behaviour. You may become severely depressed and anxious, you may become hypersensitive and restless, and you may well begin to drink, or turn to prescription drugs to find release. You may even begin doing things you had never previously contemplated (such as binging, raging, self-harming, or even shop lifting). These are all symptoms of the severe stress you are under. If you are exhibiting any of these symptoms, you must get help, before you head into full-blown breakdown mode. You are not going crazy, nor are you developing a PD of your own. You are cracking under the strain. But it is not irreversible! Escaping with your sanity in tact is not easy…but it can be done.

The duration of the ‘dark’ period is entirely down to you, and nobody else (not even your pathological ex). You must take responsibility for your own well being at this point. Don’t project onto him/her or you’ll end up co-dependent, and most probably back in the despair stage. As I’ve said before, you’ll need help during this time, but ultimately, it is YOU alone who must lift yourself out of the abyss.

You have to be kind to yourself, and you have to learn to accept what has happened. Without acceptance, there can be no understanding, and without understanding, there can be no recovery. Of that, I’m sure.

Don’t deny what has happened. Face it full on. In order to overcome it, you have to stare it in the face. I honestly don’t believe there is any other way.

Recovery is the regaining of something which you lost, or was taken from you. After years with a pathological partner, you may feel you’ve had your soul ripped out. You may feel as though you’ve lost your sanity, and you’ll most definitely feel that you’ve been robbed of precious years, perhaps even of your best years.

This will make you feel anger, and quite rightly so! Just be careful not to turn the anger inwards. It’s too easy to turn it in on yourself. You have to channel the anger, because this will give you the energy you need to get completely through the ‘release’ phase and into recovery.

Once in recovery, you need to keep a check on the anger. You don’t want to turn into a bitter and twisted person.

It’s OK to have moments of rage. It’s inevitable, so there’s no point fighting it. I think the best way to deal with it is to let it out. Vent. Scream. Punch your pillow. Don’t bottle it up. You are allowed to feel this way. You are allowed to indulge in the odd bout of self pity. You won’t be able to prevent it, so don’t reproach yourself for it. Just don’t let it become a permanent state of affairs. Remind yourself how far you’ve come, and how much stronger you are now than a few months ago. Accept that this is all part of the recovery process, and keep focussed on moving forwards with your life.

Recovery isn’t a phase. Recovery is the rest of your life. It can’t be rushed. You just need to keep telling yourself it will get easier, and it will. Slowly.

You need to learn to let go of the pain, and move on.

"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain."
Kahlil Gibran

The impact of Cluster B: An ‘idiot’s’ guide…..

2010-08-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

Forget text books, forget the psychology self-help sites. Here’s an amateurs guide to spotting the signs that you’re with a Cluster B personality disordered person, and how it's going to make you feel. From somebody who has been there.

It doesn’t matter which disorder it is. Each disorder of the Cluster B variety displays similar or identical symptoms, and invariably, where one of the Cluster B’s exist, so does at least one other co-morbid (that’s overlapping, to you and me) disorder.

Just for reference, here’s the list of the Cluster B’s

Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath)
Borderline Personality Disorder

It should be noted at this point that sufferers of BPD differ greatly from the others in the group, as they tend to turn the abuse on themselves, and not others (many thanks to the poster below for pointing this out to me!)

Don’t try to over analyse which one of the other three your partner has. The chances are, if he/she exhibits the traits of one, then he/she will have at least some elements of others. At the end of the day, the impact on you is going to be the same for each of these disorders, and it’s the impact on YOU, the partner, that I wish to focus on.

You’re going to go through five distinct phases. During the initial phases, you’re not going to realise what’s happening to you, as you’re going to believe wholeheartedly that this person is the answer to all your prayers, and he or she can absolutely do no wrong. What’s important here is to be able to recognise the initial stages (with the benefit of hindsight) because when you reach stage four, you must make a decision, and for that you need understand what you’re up against.
You can save yourself a lot of distress (and possibly even long lasting, or even permanent damage) if you are able to look back and acknowledge what has been happening to you, and YOUR PART IN IT ALL. We all have a role to play in a relationship. It’s never, ever a one way street. You don’t suddenly just lose all your personality traits when you meet a Cluster B, and it’s important to acknowledge this early on if you’re going to gather strength and move on. There are certain aspects of your character which your Cluster B will exploit. You have to recognise this before you can move away, and this can sometimes be the hardest test of all.

Cluster B’s all require their ‘supply’ or ‘source’. They use relationships in order to feed their own desires and needs. Without a supply, these people cannot function. Every person they meet must in some way feed their requirements, and satisfy their desires and aspirations (be they, emotional, sexual, financial or professional). You are no different. You are the 'supply'. You are there only to serve a purpose. You just won’t see this in the beginning.

Here’s a guide to the stages you can expect to travel through on your Cluster B roller coaster:

Stage one: Euphoria

In the beginning, you are in a prolonged state of emotional elevation. It is better than any class A drug, and I can only describe it as ‘euphoric’. This is clearly non-sustainable, but you won’t be in a position to recognise this yet.
You are head over heels in love. You have never been treated so well by another human being. It is as though you have blown this man (or woman) completely off their feet, and all they can see is you. You are adored, you are worshipped, you are understood, you are believed, you are trusted. For him/her, only you exist. It’s a giddying sensation and the chances are it will knock you right off balance. You feel completely overwhelmed by all the attention and you truly believe you have found your ‘soul mate’. When he/she tells you that they cannot live without you, it’s real. You feel exactly the same. The world will stop if you’re ever apart again.
This stage will last for one, possibly two years. Most likely the euphoria will begin to dissipate once the relationship has in some way been cemented (by marriage, kids, or some other long-term commitment).

Stage two: Disquiet

Your Cluster B partner has had a difficult life. He or she has had many a disservice done to him/her, and is probably carrying emotional scars from either failed relationships, business dealings which collapsed, or other disasters which have befallen him/her. You are the person who is there to help your Cluster B overcome these issues. You have accepted the ‘baggage’ your Cluster B brought into the relationship without question, and you feel it is your duty to help him/her overcome these problems and achieve their (amazing) potential.
Nothing bad which has ever happened to your Cluster B was his/her fault. They are always the innocent victims in any mishap. Other people resent your Cluster B because he/she is in such an enviable position. Nobody understands your Cluster B, except you. It is down to you to support your Cluster B and help keep both your lives on track.

By now, the initial euphoria is gone and you are starting to have some niggling doubts about things. It could be that certain ‘stories’ aren’t adding up, or the level of attention is starting to wane. If there are children on the scene, you may feel as though the balance of the relationship has been upset by their arrival. Whatever it is, there is something unsettling going on in the back of your mind. It stays in the back of your mind though; because that’s the only place your psyche will allow it to be, for the time being.

A gap is opening up between you, and you don’t understand why. You blame circumstances (because despite everything, your Cluster B is still having incredibly bad luck at every turn).
You lie awake at night, and confusion starts to cloud your mind.

Stage three: Denial

Your Cluster B is withdrawing, and it’s your fault. You’re putting too much pressure on him/her and you’re not ‘giving’ enough of yourself to the relationship. Your Cluster B is suffering as a result of your inability to support him/her. You are suffering, because your Cluster B is draining your energy and you feel completely impotent. You want to help but you don’t know how .
Your Cluster B is always on the verge of ‘making things better.’ He/she has so many plans, and they are always about to come to fruition. Your Cluster B just needs you to stay strong and give as much support as he/she needs. By now you are forced to admit to yourself that all may not be as it once seemed, but you remain convinced that you can get things back on track with patience and understanding for your Cluster B. Whatever is going wrong now, it’s all your fault. You may have moments where you secretly admit to yourself, that perhaps you have made a huge error of judgement about this person. You quickly put these doubts aside, however, when your Cluster B tells you that everything he/she is doing is to please and to benefit you.
Your Cluster B always convinces you of his/her selflessness, and by this stage you would rather admit that it’s you letting your Cluster B down, than acknowledge the fact that you don’t actually mean that much to him/her.

Stage four: Despair

I called this an ‘Idiot’s’ guide. You are NOT an idiot, but when you reach stage four with your Cluster B, you will most certainly feel like one.

By now, you no longer recognise your Cluster B. He/she is so far removed from the person you first met, you can barely remember how it felt back then when life was a beach.

Your Cluster B can no longer bear to be in the same room with you, and when he/she is, they hardly acknowledge your existence. You feel you are being ‘tolerated’ and you feel complete and utter isolation. You’ll feel your sanity starting to slip now, and this is why it is important that you LOOK BACK during this stage and try to analyse what has actually happened to you.

You are now at a critical crossroads, and what you decide to do during the despair stage will have far reaching implications for your future life.

Your Cluster B will NEVER end the relationship. He/she does not acknowledge that he/she wants the relationship to end. It will always be down to YOU to end it. Your Cluster B does not believe you will ever have the strength to go. He/she believes you are bound to him/her. You may now find yourself in a situation where you are being physically abused, or the abuse may be emotional (but no less damaging). At this stage you MUST acknowledge your mistake and get out.

It’s the hardest thing to admit we’ve chosen the wrong person. It’s even harder to face up to the fact that you never really knew this person, but face up to it you must. It can only go one of two ways now. You either ‘pull the escape cord’ or you condemn yourself to a life of misery.

Even during the despair stage, you may still have moments when you want to cling to your Cluster B. This is normal. You’ve been made to feel you could not possibly cope in the outside world without your Cluster B, but you can. At this stage of the journey, you MUST get outside help. Friends, family, neighbours, it doesn’t matter. Reach out.

Your Cluster B is probably already cultivating another relationship by now, but still he/she will not release you from their clutches. There will be the odd moment of attempted emotional blackmail, but you have to remain strong.
In order to escape a Cluster B, you MUST get into the driving seat. Your Cluster B will do all he/she can to put obstacles in your way, but you have to just put your head down and roll with the punches.

Even if your Cluster B is not an axe wielding maniac by now (not many turn into Jack Nicholson), don’t underestimate how dangerous he/she can be to your long term well being.

Get the hell out, as fast as you can. Go as far away as possible, and DO NOT look back.

Stage Five: Release

Assuming you’ve made the break (if you haven’t, you’ll be stuck in stage four indefinitely…or worse), you will quickly be catapulted into stage five. Once your Cluster B realises you’ve gained the strength to walk away, he/she will cut you loose…completely. You will find this both shocking and possibly even hurtful at first, but believe me, it’s by far the best thing.

Once you have rejected a Cluster B (you always reject them, they never do anything to drive you away…remember, they are always the wronged party), there is no going back. You will be dropped, and left high and dry. This is the stage when it becomes clear that you were never loved. You realise during the release stage that your Cluster B is not capable of feeling love. He/she lacks empathy and emotion. If there are children involved, it becomes painfully apparent during this stage that they too are just objects to a Cluster B. It’s a devastating realisation, and it will send you into free-fall for a while, but you MUST accept it as the truth.

The person you fell in love with never existed, it was all an illusion.

There’s no easy way to deal with the release stage. You may feel elated one minute, then terrified the next. Again, get support from wherever you can. Look back over your time together and try to pin-point and acknowledge the different phases. This will help you to come to terms with what has happened, and accept the role you played in your Cluster B’s life. Don’t turn the anger in on yourself. It was NOT your fault. Your Cluster B had this problem before you met, and he/she will continue to have this problem long after you’re gone.

Cluster B’s rarely go to get help for themselves. They cannot acknowledge that they have a problem. Psychologists treat the Cluster B’s victims, rarely the Cluster B’s themselves.

I strongly recommend that you get professional psychological support during the release stage. The only way you can let it go, is to understand it. And to do this you need expert guidance.

Draw comfort from the fact that you are not in this alone……and be proud that you managed to escape. Many don’t.

If you need help, contact me via my website.

Taste of the tabloids. Why this obsession with age and weight?

2010-08-19T11:21:00.000-07:00

Recently, I’ve been taking a more than passing interest in the contents of certain tabloids and women’s publications. I have my reasons for doing this. Namely, that I was given the opportunity to potentially use one of these publications as a platform to discuss my first book 'Web of Lies' upon its release. This won’t be happening now (for reasons I’ll go into another time), and to be honest, I’m starting to believe this is a good thing.

I’ve been drawn in, like a moth to a flame, by stories of celebrities and how much weight they’ve lost/gained, or whether or not the ‘old’ celebs can hold an ‘aesthetic’ candle to the younger ones. I’ll be honest though, my on-line ‘research’ has left me with rather a bad taste in my mouth.

I’ll admit to becoming somewhat fascinated by the endless articles about ‘this’ celebrity or ‘that’ Hollywood star. There’s something strangely alluring about reading snippets of gossip and trivia about those whose faces we know, yet personas we do not…….at least in the short term. Try reading these types of articles every day though, and they really start to wear thin (if you’ll pardon the pun).

These tabloids, such as the Daily Mail (I use this as an example simply because I’ve read it ad nauseum recently), and magazines such as Bella, Best and OK! have a circulation which run to millions. This is why I find it so curious that, with an audience made up primarily of women, these publications should blatantly ram effusive, shallow, and patronising articles pertaining to peoples age and weight, down our collective throats......AND WE SWALLOW THEM!!!!

Come on, admit it….how many of us pay money to read this stuff? I have! I admit it! No more though!

So why are they doing this to us? Why are we doing it to ourselves?

Here’s an example from the Mail. A UK celebrity (she’s famous just for being famous, which in my opinion is fine, good luck to her). She’s perfect tabloid ‘fodder’. A former pop star, mental health issues, married the wrong guy, now divorcing him, etc etc etc…. and best of all, she’s had WEIGHT issues! Yippee! The woman has been what’s termed a ‘yo-yo dieter’. She’s been photographed looking overweight, and she’s been photographed looking fantastic. Last week, the ‘dose’ of fodder was about her BELLY. Yes, she has a BELLY….shock horror!! Stop the press!! Not only does she have a BELLY…but said BELLY has WRINKLES???…..Oh My God!!!!!!! Whatever next??

The woman has given birth to FOUR children, for crying out loud!!! She looks amazing in the BELLY picture, yet still the article refers to her WRINKLES. Err, what????

Who writes this stuff? Don’t tell me all tabloid journalists are a ‘perfect’ size eights (or Adonis’s) with no dimples, dumps or flecks? Surely, they too are real people with real flaws, just like the rest of us?

Why this obsession with how much somebody weighs? Does it make them a better person because they are stick thin? Or does it help if they were once flabby and are now stick thin? Is this something we should all aspire to? ‘Stick-thin-ness’??

Kerry Katona, Britney Spears, Charlotte Church & co were all vilified for being ‘fat’ (non of them have ever been ‘fat’, as in ‘obese’, by the way). Then they were applauded to the heights for slimming down, only to be vilified again as soon as a spot of cellulite was detected with a long range lens. The tabloids were there, waiting and rubbing their hands at the first sign of exposed, non-pert flesh. I can’t keep up!

So, should they, and other women who have given birth, all get on the treadmill and starve themselves down to a size zero?

Perhaps not, because the ‘thinnies’ come in for just about as much stick as the ‘fatties’,it seems.

So, what is deemed too thin, and what is deemed too fat? Well, it appears there is no real distinction. It seems to depend upon who you are. The lines are blurred beyond belief.

Too thin?
Too fat?

Confused? Me too! (and don’t even get me started on the latest problem…that of so-called ‘cleavage stretch marks’……oh give me strength!)

So, to further add to the confusion, let’s discriminate according to age as well, just to wind up the few of us who have not yet been riled to the point of distraction by the habitual weight & stretch mark references.

In the world of the tabloids, if you’re beyond thirty, you’re a ‘has-been’. If you’re beyond thirty and still in the public eye, you’d better watch out, because your wrinkles are being papped, counted and magnified on a ‘Daily’ basis. If you’re beyond forty…better get down to the plastic surgeon and into that gym, or else don’t set foot out of the house!

But wait, no! Even if you have been to a plastic surgeon, there’s still no escape, because you’re then accused of trying to ‘hold back the years’, and slated for not ‘growing old gracefully'.

Let’s face it ladies (and men, because even you’re not immune from the tabloid age & fatism obsession).We can’t win, no matter what we do. So why try?

To be fair though, I doubt the ‘journalists’ behind these types of features understand it fully themselves. They’re doing a job, I suppose. They get a remit from above to submit this drivel, because the public seem to want to read it. Supply and demand, right?

I’m slowly beginning to understand our fascination with the ‘perfect’ and ‘youthful’ body. Very few of us possess it, after all, or indeed ever will. Even if we have it now, we’re going to get older….yes, every single one of us (including the journos….oh hooray for small mercies!)

At the end of the day, it’s all just a clever marketing ploy. We’re led up the garden path on a ‘Daily’ and ‘Weekly’ basis. We’re lured towards impossible images of ethereal beauty, only to be subsequently spoon-fed with the audacious and brazen advertising methods of the multi-national slimming and beauty industries. ‘Celebrities’ are built up, then knocked down willy nilly, all to feed the gargantuan media machine, and keep us small (or not-so-small) people mesmerised and hypnotised into parting with our hard earned cash,just so we can read the next instalment. We will them to succeed, then we will them to fail. And the money keeps rolling in.

So, as fascinating as the psychology behind it all is, I’ve decided that my ‘research’ must end here, before the bad taste in my mouth makes me gag. I’ve resolved to judge public figures purely on their actual merits (artistic, or otherwise) in future. I don’t want to read any more about their botox, their cellulite, or how many kilos they lost last week. It was nice to peep my head around the door, but I think I’ve seen enough for now. I no longer wish to be reminded of how much more I should be working out, or how much less I should be eating. From now on, I’m going to be boring, and read the broadsheets or listen to national radio, whilst wearing jogging bottoms and a baggy T-shirt. Yes, I’m forty next year, I’m allowed.

And tonight, to wash that nasty taste away, I’m going to eat carbs, followed by chocolate, and maybe a glass of (approximately 400) empty calories....cheers!

The stage is set!

2010-07-20T10:28:00.000-07:00

Tick tock, tick tock…..I’m nervously watching the clock.

I have handed over my work, given the first in-depth interview, and I now slowly have to release my grip on the piece of my life which has now been transformed into ‘Web of Lies’.

The cover artwork is done, the website is up and running, and the manuscript is now being polished and preened, ready to finally be presented to the world.

This has been an incredible journey. Fast and furious. From its first inception during an Email exchange with my now publisher back in 2008 (we were discussing the car wreck that was my life, and I actually joked I should perhaps write a book, to which she answered….’for sure’), to my first words being penned, to now.

What an experience!

I have learned so much in such a short time, and not just about writing. I’ve learned so much about psychology (personality disorders in particular).

I’ve had to learn what can and what cannot be said when writing a memoir, and how to relay my experiences honestly and openly, without resorting to gratuitous mud-slinging.

I've even learned what is permissible when writing a newspaper article to accompany a memoir.

And most of all, I've learned to really believe in myself, and what I'm doing. (This was the hardest part to learn, I can honestly say).

But what an education it’s been!

I have enjoyed the learning experience immensely, and I bow to all those who have helped to facilitate my development along this 'Web of Lies' road. I thank you all. I hope the knowledge I have gained on this journey will help me to enhance my future work (because now I have started, I don’t want to stop!)

So, now I have arrived.... not at the end of the road, but most certainly at a crossroads. How things go from here, is anybody’s guess. It doesn't stop when the book is published, it starts here!

With determination, and a bit of luck, I'll be busy over the coming months. A few months ago, a publisher said to me 'you get out what you put in', and I'm certainly not lacking in enthusiasm when it comes to 'putting in'. Bring it on!

I’ve blogged about my reasons for writing this book before, but I’ll repeat them again, just so it’s clear:

Firstly: To bring the subject of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and it's related disorders, to a wider audience, and to help overcome the stigma which surrounds both the afflicted and the affected.

Secondly: To give a voice to a person whom I believe was seriously wronged in her life, then slandered upon her death. She can no longer speak for herself, so I am doing that for her now.

And finally: To (hopefully) inspire those who have found themselves in a simliar situation to the one I was in. There are millions of us, the world over. And we all need some reassurance, that whatever it was which happened, it was NOT our fault, and it CAN be put right...with strength, and a little patience.

But I'd be lying if I said those were my only reasons for doing all this. There are, of course, other 'drivers' behind the 'Web of Lies' wheel. Three, to be precise. Three unquestioning sources of inspiration. Each with their own unique way of keeping me levelled and focused.

To my back seat drivers, I say;

Let’s get this show on the road kids. It’s our time to shine......

Single Mum on Holiday!

2010-07-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

Three kids, one adult, one hire car, one campsite....and a week in the sun with my little family!

Many people seemed surprised when I told them I was taking the kids away on holiday...on my own! But why is it surprising? I manage them at home....on my own! So why not abroad? What’s the difference?

OK, I’ll admit, it’s a bit of a challenge, but then, so is juggling daily life. It’s not rocket science. It’s just a question of planning (with military precision!)

I’m very blessed that my kids are such good travellers. I hear nightmare tales from other parents of kids who yell and squeak after as little as forty minutes on the road. Mine managed a four hour drive with just one quick stop (so mum could grab a coffee!) We had snacks, CD’s and good old chit chat to keep us entertained. The holiday began in the car for us.

We’d spent the last several weeks building up to our trip. Each night we’d been counting sleeps until we go for our holiday. The kids were excited and perhaps a little fractious, but they endured the long drive with aplomb, as though they were seasoned travellers.

Once we had safely arrived, unpacked, and settled ourselves into our temporary ‘home’ (a compact, but comfortable static caravan), we then set off to secure our place by the pool.

The kids were quickly in seventh heaven. Armbands on, sun cream on, water pistols at the ready, they were splashing, playing and squealing with joy in no time at all.

Now it’s time for mum to relax too, isn’t it? Well, of course not! It’s not really possible to fully relax when you’re on holiday (especially around water) with your three kids. You always need to be keeping an eye out for what they’re doing. There’s a nack to it, but as long as you accept that this is the case, you can ‘relax into it’, if you know what I mean.

As parents, we possess this sort of in-built radar system. We can spot our kids a mile off. We can keep track of them even whilst not looking at them. We’re in tune with their sounds and signals. If a child strays out of radar range, you know it instinctively. I would find myself sitting up, scouring the sea of red and whit swimming caps, checking off my offspring one by one. ‘There’s number one, safely in the paddling pool….there’s number two, checking out the ice cream stand (as usual)…..and there’s number three, splashing with another toddler….check.’ Breathe.

Of course, you cannot keep them tied to you the entire time. It’s not possible. You have to give them a certain amount of freedom. They need to be free to make friends, play happily….and yes, shock horror….be out of your sight for a while. But out of sight doesn’t mean off the radar ;-)

We settled into a happy routine. In the mornings we’d wake, have a bite to eat, get our swimmers on, then head to the supermarket for Mummy’s newspaper, some drinks and some nibbles. We’d then head to the pool, secure a couple of sunbeds (not an easy task, believe me, you need your wits about you for that!) then settle in for a day of splashing and summer fun.

There was an entertainment program for the kids, and a kids club. They only went to the kids club once though, for about and hour. I was thrilled when they asked if they could go, but then felt strangely lost when finally given an opportunity to switch off my ‘Mummy-dar’ for a while. I can’t say I relaxed during that hour, although it was nice that my newspaper stayed dry for a short time!

By late afternoon, we would make our way back ‘home’ to our caravan, where I would set up a ‘shower production line’ and hose them down, one by one. Then we’d apply aftersun, pour a drink, and sit of the decking whilst applying our ‘make up ‘ for the Disco evening ahead.

Let there be no mistaking. Applying 'Hello Kitty' lip gloss and glitter is a very serious business. So is getting your hair right, and wearing the correct disco outfit. And not one to be left out whilst surrounded by a bunch of ladies, my little boy was determined to get in on the act too. He has the tiniest bit of glitter (on his forehead) and Mummy pretended to powder his face. He was happy, and we would then head off for a pre-disco pizza at the Restaurant by the Lake.

Oh happy times!

And seeing the kids dancing to those disco beats was a joy to behold for Mummy. I think the discos were my favourite part of the holiday. It was time for me to really sit back and watch my three favourite people having a ball.....what could be better than that?

And when the disco finished, we all headed home and went to bed....tired and happy.

So, all in all, it went well. I can't pretend I didn't find it exhausting, but it was no more exhausting than being at home with them, and the fact that we were away, just the four of us, is what really matters.

It's about getting a break from the routine, letting them stay up late, letting them eat what they want, and relaxing the rules a little. That's a key to a good holiday with the kids. It doesn't matter that we all came back tired, or that the kids had too many ice creams, that we got covered in mosquito bites, or ate too much pasta. None of that matters. What matters is that we were all together, a happy, complete family. Nothing can be more important than that.

The Tortoise and the Hare......in honour of my girls

2010-06-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the school sports day. My girls were both to take part in an 80m sprint. Lucy was up first. There were only three children in her heat (herself included) but as the start whistle blew, you couldn’t see Lucy for dust. She was metres ahead of the opposition, crossing the finishing line in record time.

Two summers ago, this ability to sprint so fast earned her the nickname ‘Forrest Gump’ from my mother. She was amazed at how Lucy would just bolt, knees high, arms pumping. Her energy seemed to know no bounds. Indeed, this is still the case today. Probably more so, if I’m honest. She is what I call my little ‘energy bundle’. She is always on the go, rarely sits still, and needs (much to my dismay), very little sleep. Even a case of childhood asthma has failed to slow her down. So siree, she’s unstoppable!

I do sometimes wonder how much of her energy comes from nerves, and how sustainable it is in the long term. She’s always been fairly highly strung. She frets and worries openly. She fusses and pesters. She would try the patience of a Saint. Sadly, to my detriment, I have failed many of Lucy’s patience tests. I feel we are perhaps too alike in many ways. We often clash, both of us having a strong will. She has staying power though, and I can foresee trouble ahead when puberty kicks in. But for now, as a seven year old, she is as open as can be. After one of our clashes, I’ll invariably receive a note or a drawing: ‘Sorry Mummy. I love you’ she writes, to which my heart melts, and all is well again.

She is the most openly affectionate and demonstrative child I have ever known. She will happily give her adoration to anybody who crosses her path. If a person appears in her life and stays around for more than a couple of days, they are rewarded with unlimited supplies of Lucy-love. She knows no inhibitions when it comes to expressing her feelings of affection. It is a joy to behold when a child behaves this way, because in her innocent openness, she commands so much love and affection in return. Everybody loves Lucy. It’s hard not to. I hope she remains as loving and giving as she is now. Although, as she grows, I’m sure that this innocence will diminish, so I guess I should learn to appreciate it whilst it lasts. I should learn to get better at the patience tests, and work on relaxing through the clashes, and extending the periods between them. For even though Lucy drives me nuts with her boundless energy and reluctance to sit still for a moment, I still adore my little Forrest Gump. Watching her win her race yesterday brought a lump to my throat. Like all parents, I was just bursting with pride (and glad I was wearing sunglasses so nobody could see my tears!) For me, there is always that extra little bit of pride though, the sort of pride only a single mum feels when her kids do well. Those of you who do (or have done) the same job as me, will know what I’m referring to.

Alice’s race was second, and just like her character is to Lucy’s, so the race result was reflected. Chalk and cheese. Alice is my little slow burner. She doesn’t like to rush. It’s part of her make-up, and one of the most endearing things about her. At the age of two, Alice was completing jigsaw puzzles made for five year olds. She will happily sit and play alone, and can entertain herself for hours. She much prefers sedentary activity. She’ll never be a live wire like her sister. They really couldn’t be more different in that respect. If there is a choice in the matter, Alice will choose to do as little as possible. She’s a thinker, and incredibly deep. If only I could read her as well as I read Lucy, but sadly I can’t. She’s an enigma. A beautiful, pale-skinned enigma.

But that’s not to say Alice isn’t feisty. Oh boy, don’t cross her! We too have our clashes. She can swing from quiet contemplation to fiery indignation in the blink of an eye. It pains me to say, but sometimes her mood swings catch me unawares, and I react in the worst possible way (by losing my temper) which only adds fuel the fire. That’s another point I should really work on; reading Alice better.

She is nowhere near as predictable as her sister. She has a protective wall around her, which sometimes even I cannot penetrate. She is no less affectionate than Lucy, but she’s a lot more choosy about who she shows her affections to, and when.

She doesn’t like to admit when she’s made a mistake either, and she hates to say sorry. Instead, she chooses other ways to show remorse. Usually, apologies from Alice will come in the form of some small home-made gift. I have a box full of cut out shapes and figures. Some are in the adult form (me), some are clearly children (Alice) and some are not of this world at all. All have little love hearts drawn on them though. That’s her way of showing she cares. Again, it’s heart melting. I can never stay cross with either of them for long.

Watching Alice’s ‘sprint’ yesterday, and comparing it to Lucy’s, put me in mind of the Tortoise and the Hare (but without the moral lesson). Alice came fourth (out of four), but she did it with pride and grace. For her, it really wasn't about the winning, but about the taking part. My tears for her achievement were equal in pride to those for Lucy’s win. She may have her funny little ways, but there is no doubt in my mind that she will be an achiever in the ‘long run’. In this fable, both players are winners.....at least to their Mum.

Pride doesn’t even come close to describing how I feel about them.

A musical kairos

2010-06-20T23:56:00.000-07:00

I have always been a lover of music. From being a small child and marvelling at my Dads expansive record collection (if not at his taste!) right through until my ex bought an Ipod when they first came on the market, I like to turn it up, and lose myself in it.

Many of my own poems have been inspired by the music I listen to. There is meaning in everything, and invariably we can relate lyrics to our own lives. As Elton John put it; 'Sad songs say so much'.

We all have our favourites, which we can relate to a particular period, or moment of our lives. For me,Chasing Cars became an anthem for me and my children in 2008. It signified everything I felt about our situation; facing the world together, just the four of us. Oh how I listened to that song, over and over, tears flowing freely.

I spent a great deal of time in 2008 listening to music. Lying down and letting the words wash over me. Wallowing in the pain, letting out the tears, and getting angry,or inspired.....depending upon the tune.

I still do it today, although with less of the 'wallowing', I hasten to add!

But there was this moment, back in the summer of 2008, which I can only describe as my musical 'kairos' or 'moment of truth'. It was a song I'd heard many times before, yet before that moment in time, it had never held such significance.

Life was in turmoil, the Divorce was in full swing, and I had recently discovered some incredibly painful and unpleasant truths about the person I thought I had known, but,it turned out, was only just beginning to. I was in an emotionally charged place, and perhaps more vulnerable than ever before in my life.

A dear friend took me to Zurich to see a stadium gig. It was a massive piece of musical theatre, performed by an Artist I have always admired for her tenacity and originality.
The show was electric, full of energy and completely spell binding.

Then, came this moment, when she sang this particular song, and it was like the world melted away, and she was singing just to me. A light switched on, and every single word of the song rang true. I stood there, enthralled, and suddenly, I was hit with with the resolve I'd been so desperately searching for all those months.

I've played the song many more times since, and every word still rings true. It's about realising you've been kidding yourself about somebody. It's about recognising the lies and deceit, and taking that final step away, to save your own soul.

Life is full of these defining moments. They come from nowhere, they would seem innocuous under any other circumstances. Yet they are so important to us in that split second, almost as though they are messages from above.

You've got to love the Universe!

Can't we just get another one, Mummy?

2010-06-14T05:33:00.000-07:00

My kids don't really want for anything.
We don't have great wealth, but they most certainly don't go without a thing. They are well fed, well clothed, and they are surrounded by toys and gadgets galore....much more than I ever had as a kid.

But we live in a 'throw-away-and-replace' society, so the kids tend to have this notion that anything can be replaced, at the drop of a hat.

During my marriage, this was certainly true, so I guess the kids learned certain behaviours from a very early age. If something got broken, their father would immediately replace it. If they lost something, it was also replaced. Easy come, easy go.
A DVD player, here, a computer there....it was all just 'disposable' and therefore (to the kids) valueless.

Since becoming a single mum, I find I'm trying to introduce certain values which had not been imposed in the past. They work for their pocket money, they do chores around the house, and I try my best to get them to respect their belongings and be grateful they have so much (although this part is still inordinately challenging!)

The older two understand that money is something which has to be earned, and that it cannot be taken from other people willy nilly. I've taught them that to take something and then not pay for it, is theft. And I've taught them that theft is a crime. It is wrong.

Sometimes things get lost or broken through no fault of the kids though. So I've been quick to reassure them, that in cases where nobody is to blame, if we work hard enough, we can replace the missing important items over time.

But kids have such impressionable minds, and they cannot always distinguish between the physical and the emotional.

So it stands to reason, in their minds, that if Mummy can work at replacing things they lost 'accidentally', then Mummy can also provide them with something else they 'lost'....a Daddy.

Now, this is where it gets tricky. I can do many things, but I cannot provide them with this one important 'item'.

'But Mummy, you like so-and-so, don't you? He's a man.'

'Yes, sweetheart, he is, and I like him, this is true.'

'So why can't you just marry him then, and he can be our Daddy?'

'Because it doesn't work like that I'm afraid. It needs to be special love for that to work.'

'But why not Mummy?'

'It's complicated sweetheart, it's just not possible at the moment.'

And these are the questions I'm fielding all the time these days. They don't care WHO he is, they just want SOMEBODY.

I guess this is one of the toughest aspects of being a single parent. You can provide your child with all the love and attention in the world, but when one parent withdraws completely, it's not easy to explain why, and it's impossible to just 'replace' this person with a similar model!

Instead, you try to fill the gap as best you can, and hope that one day, as they mature, they'll understand the whys and wherefores.

I believe mine will, over time. They will hopefully grow to understand that sometimes bad things happen for good reasons, and that some things are just impossible to replace. Indeed, sometimes it's just better not to even try.

There are things we can live without, and some things we just can't.

The last two years have shown us what we can live without.

What we can't live without, exists in abundance in this house anyway......and that can never be stolen, lost or broken.

Rosebud

2010-06-12T06:37:00.000-07:00

This one is about my middle daughter, the subject of my last blog....

The softest hair
The pinkest skin
Her beauty shines
From deep within
Her smile lights up
The darkest day
A love so pure
To guide the way
And when she sings
Her gentle voice
Lifts up my heart
Makes me rejoice
And Oh!
Such fiery temperament
The quickest flash
Then sweet lament
Her mind so open
An empty page
Absorbing life
Quick to engage
My Rose
She has eccentric style
Unique, yet wholly
Versatile
Her character
With years so few
Displays her strength
And shines straight through
A gentle heart
A giving soul
The softest touch
She makes me whole
Little Rosebud
Enchanting child
With smile so bright
My heart beguiled
I'll never tire
Of her sweet kiss
The cutest lips
Innocent bliss

Her hand in mine
Through love, she grows
A blooming flower
Enchanting Rose

Selective Mutism.....its not through choice!

2010-06-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

As the parent of a child who suffers from selective mutism, I have had to learn a great deal about this condition over the last year or so.

My daughter has been through a lot of upheaval in her short life. We moved six times inside five years. It was stressful for me to cope with, so I can only imagine what it must have been like for the kids.

The final two moves saw them removed from the ‘family’ home into temporary accommodation, then subsequently, into an affordable apartment which we could finally call our own.

In the middle of this, the girls began to attend the local Kindergarten. They had attended a Kindergarten previously, but one which was bi-lingual. At this Kindergarten, my daughter spoke, but only in English.

She would speak German at home, to her sister and sometimes to me, but not in Kindergarten with the other children.

Following the break up of the family and the subsequent moves, she was now not only required to start a brand new Kindergarten, with unknown children and unfamiliar surroundings, but this Kindergarten was also an exclusively Swiss one, and therefore one-hundred percent German speaking.

So when she didn’t speak in the beginning. None of us thought it unusual. She’d need time to adjust, we decided. It was a lot for a four year old to cope with.

The months passed, and she remained silent. Happy, but silent.

She would come home and enthuse to me about how much fun she was having in Kindergarten. She chattered to me non-stop about any subject she could think of. She played happily with our English speaking friends kids, and never had any communication issues whatsoever….even in a social environment. She played with our neighbours’ children and gradually her grasp of the Swiss German language became more and more solid. She took part in the Kindergarten nativity play….as a (non-speaking) sheep, and I almost burst with pride as I watched her ‘perform’!

More time passed, and still not a sound came from her lips…….. in Kindergarten.

Still, the teachers and I saw no cause for concern. She would happily attend, and by now was integrated into the class. Her piers had accepted her as she was. They loved my silent little girl, and as kids always do, they found alternative ways to communicate with her.

During the summer holidays we would regularly visit our local Lakeside Beach complex. Here she would play happily (and noisily) with the other children in our group. So it barely registered when one of her little Kindergarten friends came along to join in, that she would suddenly fall silent again. They would invariably trot off together, hand in hand, to play in the sand. It seemed all was normal.

The new term began. The second year of Kindergarten, and the year in which she would be assessed regarding her readiness to attend school.

Just before half term, they called me in to talk to them. By now, they were getting worried.

“We cannot assess her if she doesn’t speak.” They explained.

“She seems happy enough, and she’s very popular with the other children, but we are concerned she’s not progressing and this is because of her (lack of) communication.”

“What would you like me to do?” I asked.

“She has no problems communicating at home, it’s really only in this environment that she won’t speak. Plus when she is with her other Kindergarten friends. It’s almost as though she has built a brick wall and cannot overcome her fears.”

I felt devastated. I wanted my little girl to be happy. I didn’t want her to lack the confidence to speak. I blamed myself, thinking, almost inevitably, that this was something to do with the Divorce and the subsequent disappearance of her Father from her life.

We agreed that she would be psychiatrically assessed, after which we would decide on the best course of action.

Before we went for our appointment at the hospital, I spent a morning with her in Kindergarten, in the hopes that my presence may encourage her to talk.

She was so happy when I told her I’d be coming with her! Her little face beamed with pride and all the way there she chattered about her classmates and what they would be doing today. Then, as soon as we set foot into the grounds of the school, she fell silent. She nodded and smiled, but not one sound came out.

It was heartbreaking for me to watch, because this wasn’t the little girl I knew. I was shocked. And felt so desperately sorry for her.

At one point she was allowed to take me upstairs to show me the ‘Barbie Corner’, where they are allowed to play house in their ‘free’ time.

It was just the two of us now, so I was convinced I would be able to get her to speak to me. I picked up a doll.

“She’s lovely!” I said. “What’s her name?”

She just looked at me, her eyes pleading.

“Can you whisper it?”

She tried. She tried so hard. I was willing her on, but she was physically not capable of uttering a sound, not even to me.

It was only then that I realised how truly difficult this was for her, and this was not a choice she was making by herself.

I felt dismayed to see her like this. I wanted to help her but there was nothing I could do.

I consoled myself with the knowledge that the little girl before me was not sad, uncomfortable or tense in the Kindergarten setting. She was relaxed and enjoying being there. She just couldn't speak!

As we left to set off home for lunch, she began to whisper very quietly. The further we got from the school playground, the louder her voice became, until we were eventually out onto the street and my little girl was chattering away like anything. I couldn't shut her up all the way home!

The psychiatrist was very clear. My daughter has no learning difficulties whatsoever (if anything, she is overly bright). She is one of many children who suffer from this unusual disorder. The exact cause cannot be pin pointed. It is widely thought that low self esteem plays a part. One psychologist suggested it can happen to children who are bi-lingual. There are no definite determinants of the cause. It could be a number of things combined.

And now here we are, nine months later, and she's getting ready to take her first steps into the Swiss education system. The Teachers, Psychiatrists, Speech Therapist and myself are all confident that she will thrive in school. We're just not sure if she'll speak......yet!

We'll keep working on it though. We gently encourage but we don't push it. We let her express herself in a way in which she feels comfortable. We don't talk about the fact that she doesn't talk, at least not for now.

Here's hoping her confidence will grow over time, and with it her ability to overcome her fears. Until then, lots and lots of love, encouragement, and understanding are required.

For more information, go here

Patience

2010-06-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience...Stanislaw Lec

This is certainly true for me. I've never been known for my patience to be honest. As a little girl, I used to drive my parents mad with constant questions about 'how long until my Birthday?' or 'When will we get there?'
My own daughter is the exactly the same with me now, so I understand what my parents had to endure.

I'm not much better as an adult, to be honest. I'm always really eager to get things done. Some say this is a good trait and can have positive results. After all, from the moment I put pen to paper for the book - to today - has been a mere eight months. I guess once I got the idea to do it, I just wanted to move things along as quickly as possible.

Now the whole project is coming together, and I find myself sitting here filled with nervous anticipation. Only eight weeks to go, and the book will be released!

I don't know why I'm so impatient. There is still much to do. A feature article to be compiled, then accepted by the press. The cover design for the book, and not to mention the final tweaking and 'brushing up' of the website. There are publicity photos to be taken, media to plan....and a hell of a lot to learn about PR as well!

I'm learning by doing here, I might add!

Dr David Holmes, Forensic Psychologist and contributor to Web of Lies - My life with a Narcissist, is about to release his own book. It's called Abnormal,Clinical and Forensic Psychology. It's an educational tool, which identifies and analyses various personality disorders, including those described in my book. As he said himself in the comment he wrote for Web of Lies;

I have always emphasised the importance of real life case histories to the true understanding of dangerously disordered individuals. Being able to see their behaviour and thinking played out in the context of daily life enables untrained individuals to become slowly aware of the uneasy seam between their reality and our own.

Dr Holmes wrote the text book, I wrote a 'real life case history', and now they are both about to be published.

Perfect timing, I would say.

My hopes for this book are threefold:

Firstly: To bring the subject of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and it's related disorders, to a wider audience, and to help overcome the stigma which surrounds both the afflicted and the affected.

Secondly: To give a voice to a person whom I believe was seriously wronged in her life, then slandered upon her death. She can no longer speak for herself, so I am doing that for her now.

And finally: To (hopefully) inspire those who have found themselves in a simliar situation to the one I was in. There are millions of us, the world over. And we all need some reassurance, that whatever it was which happened, it was NOT our fault, and it CAN be put right...with strength, and a little patience.

Roll on August 1st.

Truth, karma & spin....

2010-05-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

Do you believe that the truth will always come out? Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes my faith in truth and justice is tested to the limits.

But surely, one day....the truth is always victorious.....right?

I'd like to say I'm a believer in karma. I certainly want to believe in it, but there are just some things which happen in this world which make me question the whole ethos upon which 'the justice system' is built.

How is it, that the so called 'justice' system sees a man get away with murder simply because he has the financial means to hire a team of top notch lawyers? Anybody who witnessed that particualr trial, or has since researched the case, would surely be horrified at what can only be described as a most shocking example of how money talks, to the detriment of any human decency.

The fact the accused then went on to write a book which describes (hypothetically of course) how he actually managed to get away with it, well, it's just staggering.

I wonder if karma will ever bite that particular individual on the backside? It remains to be seen. But will the truth ever be known? In this case, it seems not. I feel for the families of the victims.

Because, there's never, ever just the one 'victim', is there? Each victim is loved and cherished by somebody. The ripple effect dictates that the victims loved ones become victims too, and so it goes on......

The example given above is, of course, an extreme one. But then, we witness such examples on all too regular a basis these day, do we not?

Examples of 'cover ups' can be found in the Daily news, if you look hard enough. It's just a question of what you choose to believe. The truth, or the spin?

I question everything these days. Some may say I question things too much and look for problems or untruths where none actually exist. I prefer to think that life has simply taught me to treat everything, and everybody, with caution.

When presented with a sensational news story, I will always now try to look behind the headlines, and gather more information about what really might have happened.

I also try (wherever I can), to apply the same rule of thumb in real life. Maybe it's a result of the things I have experienced, but I do tend to look for 'means' and 'motive' in almost every situation I encounter.

I was once told that I added 'Sarah spin' to everything I said. I spent a long time pondering this 'accusation'. Was I 'spinning' tales about my situation?

What is 'spin' at the end of the day?

It is certainly not the plain and simple relaying of a tale, or the recalling of an event. But spin is not necessarily sinister either, it's probably just the way of the world. The trick is to recognise it when you see it, and moreover, to recognise the motivation behind the spin.

In the examples cited above, it is clear where the 'spin motivation' lies. It is there simply to distract us from the truth. To divert our attention and prevent justice from being served.

To relate spin to my own situation and my account (in the book) thereof, is trickier. I'll leave that for the reader to decide.

All I can say is this: Fiction is far more transparent and fragile than the truth. The truth does has a habit of coming out....eventually, and karma does invariably reach all those who deserve it. And with the truth, comes justice. And that, in turn, brings peace for the victims, and (over time) their loved ones.

We just need to be patient.

Money, Money, Money

2010-05-17T12:36:00.000-07:00

Can anybody really imagine what it might be like to win a huge amount of money?

I think we all dream about it all the time (well, I know I do!). But can you seriously imagine what it would be like to have that much?

It would scare me half to death, and somehow I don't think I'd be telling the papers.

The thing is, money brings out the worst in people, it truly does. One sniff of it, and people start crawling out of the woodwork. And when it comes to money, people can turn ruthless. I know this from first hand experience.

It seems to affect our powers of reasoning. We turn into jealous crazed monsters at the thought of somebody possibly having something that we want, but just can't manage to get for ourselves.

I've learned some tough lessons of my own regarding money. I've learned you should be careful about who you trust. Even those in 'authority' are not always what they profess to be.

I've felt despair because of lack of money, and seemingly endless financial demands.

But I keep telling myself the same thing;

Money can't buy happiness. It may be an old adage, but it's a very accurate one. It can't buy happiness,nor can it buy peace of mind. And you won't sleep better at night with a full bank account, knowing you've taken that money from somebody who trusted you.

I'm under no illusions that book writing is going to make me a vast amount of money. I won't be giving up my day job any time soon, that's for sure!

I'd be happy to get through life knowing that I don't owe anybody anything, I reckon that would be enough for me.

That, and a clear conscience. The knowledge that I have never deliberately screwed somebody over for their money.

Fraud is my dirty word for this week. Sadly, it's all around us. It taints all those it touches, and it is born of greed and self interest.

So, let's ponder the words of one far more sagacious than little old me, just for a minute ;

There is no fire like passion, there is no shark like hatred, there is no snare like folly, there is no torrent like greed.

Buddha

Worth remembering, don't you think?

An important Anniversary

2010-04-25T03:10:00.000-07:00

I remember the end of April 2007, my marriage was in its death throes. Life was pretty stressful, and it seemed my world was an amalgam of uncertainty and trepidation.

Then, at the beginning of May, something happened which completely took my mind off my own troubles, and made me realise that being a parent is a true blessing, and something we should never take for granted.

A little girl, the same age as my eldest daughter, disappeared whilst on holiday with her parents and siblings in Portugal. That little girl touched my heart, and following her story has, in many ways, changed my view of the world.

We all know her name, everybody on the planet knows Madeleine's name. The media furore which surrounded her disappearance was unprecedented, and will go down in history as the catalyst which sparked massive debate about the media, the power of the internet, and freedom of speech itself.

The intricate ins and outs of this case are widely available to those who wish to dig a little deeper than what's reported in the mainstream press. Following the case has certainly been an eye opener for me, in terms of discovering the shocking reality about how much the public can be manipulated by the press. Thank goodness information can be disseminated globally via Google and internet fora. For anybody who is interested, it doesn't take long to compare and contrast what's reported in the main stream press, to what's actually (and factually) documented in the witness satements contained in the Police Files, which were released to the media when the case was (prematurely) shelved back in 2008. More interesting to discover, is what's not been reported in the mainstream press.

My heart breaks for a little girl who was let down by those closest to her, and then again let down by the prodigious 'machine' which was created in her image. The person who needed help most has been forgotten amidst the PR, litigation and mud slinging from both sides of the fence.

Many books have been written about Madeleine's case, books which look at both sides of the story. But, one of these books 'The Truth of the Lie', written by the former Investigation Coordinator, Goncalo Amaral, has been temporarily banned from sale (pending a trial) following an injunction brought by Madeleine's parents.

Why?

Their argument, is that the conclusions in the book are detrimental to the search for their little girl, because he reproduces the theory that she most probably died in the holiday apartment, and that her death was covered up by her parents.

Now, whether or not these conclusions are correct, is entirely a matter of interpretation. The book details the police investigation as it was experienced by Amaral himself, as well as those in the team of detectives with whom he was working. It doesn't profess to be the gospel. It is a man relaying his own experience of the case, and the conclusions that he and his team arrived at.

Do we not all have the right to document our feelings and experiences as we lived and breathed them?

This is, after all, just one mans summary of the investigation. It's not fabricated or embelished, it sticks closely to the information in the police files. So why has it been banned?

Do we not all have the right to question certain events, and the way in which are presented to us? Are we not allowed to ask questions and demand honest and truthful answers?

How does one book stop people wanting to get to the bottom of what happened to Madeleine? Surely we should consider ALL possibilities, not just the one her parents insist we should believe?

Of course we should!

Today is the Anniversary of the Carnation Revolution in Portugal. It's the anniverary of a day upon which freedom and civil liberties were peacefully restored to an entire nation.

It's a day for celebrating freedom of speech and freedom of expression.

Nobody should be gagged for voicing an opinion. Even if others find their opinions abhorrant, they are still entitled to them.

As for the case itself, I wonder if we'll ever really know what happened. That little girl no longer has a voice, so it's up to others to speak up on her behalf. And it's up to us, the public, to listen to all the arguments, and draw our own informed conclusions.

There are two sides to every argument. I'm glad to be living in a day and age where I have the capacity and the tools which enable me to look behind the media spin, and make up my own mind.

Forca Portugal!

A Narcissistic Sociopath

2010-03-04T12:09:00.000-08:00

I was sitting with my therapist the other day. We were (as usual) discussing my ex and the book I have just written 'Web of Lies - My Life with a Narcissist.' She made an interesting observation.

She told me that although she's never met my ex, she would describe him as a 'Narcissistic Sociopath'. This description actually send shivers down my spine. I'm no psychiatrist, but the word 'sociopath' is scary to me. It conjures up visions of Ted Bundy or Charles Manson. Surely I didn't marry one of those?

My therapist smiled and tried to reassure me. As with all personality disorders, there are varying degrees of each. And it's perfectly possible for a person to suffer 'complex personality disorders', which to you and me, means there is an overlapping of disorders.

She got me thinking, so I researched a bit about APD (Antisocial Personality Disorder) and was amazed to discover the similarity with NPD.

Put the two together, and you surely have a recipe for disaster.

No wonder my shrink can't wait to get her hands on the book!

Profile of a Sociopath

* Glibness and Superficial Charm

* Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

* Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

* Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

* Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

* Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

* Incapacity for Love

* Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

* Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

* Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

* Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

* Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

* Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

* Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

* Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Other Related Qualities:

1. Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
2. Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
3. Authoritarian
4. Secretive
5. Paranoid
6. Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
7. Conventional appearance
8. Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
9. Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
10. Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
11. Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
12. Incapable of real human attachment to another
13. Unable to feel remorse or guilt
14. Extreme narcissism and grandiose
15. May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)

For more information go here

Jogging to beat depression.

2010-03-04T10:57:00.000-08:00

Many of us have, at some time in our lives, suffered from some form of depression. I was diagnosed with the illness almost two years after the birth of my second daughter. To this day I'm unsure whether or no I was suffering from post natal depression, or just plain old depression, but either way the illness is and incredibly debilitating one. My symptoms were varied. On the physical side it was headaches, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, loss of libido. On the emotional side it was an extremely short temper, confusion, crying,and a general loss of interest in me and a feeling of failing as a mother. The worst thing though was the inextricable fear that I would somehow hurt my kids. Not deliberately, but simply by putting them in danger due
due to my lack of attention span. It was probably a completely irrational fear but it made me feel so insecure that I finally went to seek treatment. My doctor gaveme the standard medical treatment, but also referred me for therapy. It was my therapist who recommended jogging. I must admit that at this time I wasn't and avid jogger. I wasn't unfit by any means though. I had a cross trainer at home which I used regularly, but as the psychologist pointed out, you need to take exercise away from your home environment when you are depressed. Jogging go me out of the house, away from my family and allowed me to take some 'me time'.
At first it wasn't easy. I ran in short twenty minute burst and slowly built it up to forty/forty five minutes. This may not seem like much but it was the first time I was able to get out of the house and away from all my responsibilities to just concentrate on me.
Within a couple of weeks I was already starting to feel better. I looked forward to getting my running shoes on, plugging in my Ipod and just running away the stresses of the day.

Jogging for me has become a therapy. It's a well documented fact that exercise helps to fight depression, and I am testimony to that. When I stop exercising, I start to get low again.

Now, I'm not saying that everybody should do aerobics until they drop, but a nice, steady flow of cardiovascular exercise like walking, jogging, biking, or another form of low impact exercise is an excellent way to manage the symptoms of depression, while also promoting a healthy blood pressure level, a healthy heart, and bodily strength and endurance.

Yoga, forms of slow dance, tai chi, and other meditation-type exercise is also an excellent way to manage stress, anxiety and depression. These types of meditative exercises promote healthy bodily functions, a healthy state of mind, and mental focus, which are key factors in supporting a healthy sense of well being and peace.

Inactivity is one of the biggest perpetuators of depression and anxiety. The human body was designed to be in frequent motion, not to sit all day. So if you find you are inactive for any reason, go, get a drink of water, walk some stairs, or take a little walk outside whenever you get the opportunity. You'll be amazed by what physical activity will do for your mental state.

This is it

2010-03-04T10:29:00.000-08:00

Here's a short story I wrote a couple of years ago. Just trying my hand really, before I got into the serious writing.
Would love to know what you think :-)

This is it.......

He knew it was close now, he could feel it all around him, drawing him, slowly but surely forwards. There was no going back from this point, and he felt no fear, just resigned acceptance of his fate.
Surprising how lucid he felt, his mind remained agile and free, skipping from one recollection to the next, up and down and all around, he was quite enjoying this final ride.

It was easier to keep his eyes closed, because then he could see for miles and with such clarity. When he tried to open his eyes all he could see was the halogen light above the bed, the watery profiles of the nurses, and the blurred yet visibly distressed faces of his loved ones. No, it was much better to keep them closed, and enjoy the views from the inside.

Suddenly he was surrounded by the familiar smell of summer, there was a warm breeze on his face, and the sun was beating down on his skin. He looked and saw the playing field with the children's playground in the distance, and he knew he had returned home, to that never forgotten place. He savoured the moment, inhaling the smell of fresh cut grass, looking at the dandelions on the kerbside. She was here, next to him on the bench, and she was smiling that wistful smile of hers, oh how he'd longed to see that beauty just one more time.
They would sit here for hours, it was their own special place. Here they could enjoy their time alone, putting the world to rights, sharing their dreams and aspirations. Young love in it's purest form, they had made plans whilst sitting on this bench, it was here that they laid down the foundations for their future life together.He had called her 'Treasure', for that's what she was to him, his very own pot of gold. He could never get tired of looking at her face, the flawless beauty of it, and he could listen to her voice for hours, the softly spoken yet determined words which fell from her mouth. She would sing to him sometimes, and he could hear her voice now, clear and enchanting, it was music to his ears.

Their wedding day had been the happiest of his life. She had radiated beauty, and he had felt as though he were the luckiest man alive. Life after the wedding hadn't always been easy. His job was demanding and not the best paid. He'd spent time away on business but she had never complained. She had poured her energy into making their home a special and loving place. The connection they had to one another was a once in a lifetime occurrence, it was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and had made him into the person he was.

And the laughter, how much they had laughed together! Her sense of humour was one of the things which he'd always found so endearing about her. She had the capacity to laugh at herself, and to find the brighter side of any situation. She had seemed to know him inside out, she had known exactly what made him tick. She had been his soul mate, his Treasure.

Just briefly, he opened his eyes. Shimmering, a face was in front of him. He tried to focus, for a brief second came recognition, it was his granddaughter.

Now he was back inside their home, the small terraced house not far from the city centre. He could see the furnishings, that old three piece suit with the threadbare arms, the gramophone in the corner of the room. They'd spent many hours listening to records played on that machine. He could smell the cake she'd baked that morning, and he felt the familiar rush of pain and fear.......he was back in 'that day' again.
He tried to open his eyes but they were too heavy now, he was right back there. The fear began to rise, he was powerless to stop it.
He heard the car pull up outside before it actually happened. He'd replayed this moment in nightmares over many years, but now he was actually here again, in the moment, re-living every detail.
Somehow his leaden legs carried him into the hallway, past the gleaming new perambulator she'd insisted they purchase as soon as her pregnancy had entered it's fourth month, three months previously. His hand was reaching for the door but he was willing it to stop, the door opened, and there stood the policeman. He never did remember that young mans name, but the face was etched on his memory. That look, a mixture of apprehension, pity and nerves.

Again, his eyes were open,just briefly. He became aware of a man in white, a doctor maybe, and behind him, a black shirt with a dog collar, but no face.

Now he was back, standing in the hospital corridor, hands shaking, heart pounding. The swing doors opened, and out walked a nurse, she met his eyes, but walked straight past. How long had he been standing here? he glanced at his watch, half past nine, when did he get here? How did he get here?
And then the doors opened again, and he sees the doctor, still wearing scrubs. Time stands still as the doctor approaches. He starts to speak but there are no words, just the motion of his lips.
'critical'
'head injury'
'surgery'
'blood loss'
'baby'

Oh the baby, what about the baby? He comes to his senses as he feels the weight of the doctors hand on his arm. His lips are still moving...

'I need to know Mr Wright, I realise this is an impossibly hard decision for you, but if we don't take action now, we'll lose them both'

His head is swimming, his emotions overloaded. He recalls her excitement when she discovered she was pregnant, the elation in her eyes. She had involved him every step of the way, sharing her thoughts and her feelings with him. Holding his hand to her stomach as it grew, talking to him about the future as three.
He found himself nodding, just nodding, a wordless nod of the head, it was all he could muster. The doctor understood and turned away, he rushed back through the double doors.

Then there was darkness, but sound, as if from a distance, muffled voices....

'It won't be long now, he's comfortable'

Somebody was weeping.

Back in the corridor, he silence surrounded him, he was standing alone, wrapped in pain and loss. He was shivering, from the inside out, he knew it was over now, a light had gone out inside him, he just needed confirmation.

As he turned to the doors they opened once more, the doctor in the scrubs, beads of sweat on his brow. He walked slowly this time, head slightly bowed.
Behind the doctor, a nurse followed, walking slowly, her face full of compassion and hope. In her arms she carried a green bundle, a tiny form wrapped in layers of surgical blanket. As she drew nearer he could see a little pink face, eyes open and searching, they fixed on him, and in that moment he knew there was hope.

Familiar voices now, his son was close. He could no longer make out the words, but he felt the presence, and felt great comfort and peace.

In the hospital once more, the doctor in scrubs is leading him into the side room, the lights are dimmed, there is nothing but silence. His legs are shaking, he struggles to breathe, panic is rising. He knows what he's about to see, he's been here countless times, the lifeless shell, the beautiful form so familiar, yet now devoid, he can't bring himself to look again, he can't stand the weight of the pain any more.

His eyes are closed but he senses something different this time, the doctor is still leading him forward to the bed, yet suddenly the fear is gone. She's there, lying before him, his eyes are open, yet what he sees is not the battered and bruised form which has haunted him all these years. Light floods in all around him, warmth is radiating from the bed, he is drawn closer and closer to her, as she lies motionless.

He reaches out to her one last time, tears are burning his cheeks now. This overwhelming longing he feels, to touch her once again, to say goodbye once again. And has he reaches the bed, and looks down at her perfect features, her flawless beauty, the woman he loves, she opens her eyes, and she smiles that wistful smile. He's home at last.

In the distance, he hears his son weep once more.

Book publishing......

2010-02-18T06:31:00.000-08:00

....is no mean feat. You need patience, as I'm learning.

Writing a book whilst working part time, is pretty tough too.

Writing a book whilst working part time, and looking for another job simultaneously, is pretty demanding also.

Add to that three small people who need constant attention, love and nurturing (24/7 - not part time) and you find things start to get pretty stressful.

Do I want a medal?

Too bloody right I do!!

OK, maybe not a medal....but a publishing deal would be nice ;-)

I'm under no illusions about how long this road I'm on actually is. Writing the book was but the first step. I'm now engaging in the 'touting' of the manuscript to prospective agents. This can be a laborious process, but let's call it a labour of love, for my goal is clear.

The story must be told! The story WILL be told!

The feedback I'm getting so far is spurring me on. For that, I thank the readers heartily.

It's nice to know there is a potential market out there. True stories tend to be popular, don't they? We're all fascinated in the (mis)fortunes of others.

I read 'Web of Lies - My Life with a Narcissist' from start to finish on Monday this week. It was the first time I'd actually read the whole lot in one sitting. I found it emotionally draining, seeing it all condensed like that.

This is no doubt because I'm still very close to the whole thing. Time helps, but in cases like this you need a great deal of time, and energy, to recover.

I'm composing the epilogue right now. This book needs an epilogue. The readers need to know what has happened to us in the time since the end of narcissist rule of our lives.

But it's entirely possible that the epilogue to Web of Lies could turn into a book of it's own.

Now there's something to ponder!

In the meantime, let me tell you that the epilogue to Web of Lies is a positive one.

It's far from a 'happy ever after', who gets those in real life?

But 'misery memoir' this is not, be sure of that.

Getting it published is currently my main goal.

If, once published, I can bring the subject of NPD out for wider debate and recognition, then I've achieved another major goal. If I can actually help other people who've found themselves in this kind of extraordinary relationship, then I'm entirely satisfied.

Watch this space. It's all happening in the background.

S x

Why write a book?

2010-02-08T07:22:00.000-08:00

Well, why not?

If I had a pound for every time I'd heard the suggestion, I would be rich already. The most common phrase I hear is 'Sarah, you couldn't make this up, it's the stuff of books!'

And that's absolutely true, it is!

For those who haven't read it yet, the summary is here

I'm looking forward to seeing the darn thing in print to be honest. I'm not sure if you'd call it a labour of love, but it's definitely been a difficult birth, if rather a cathartic one!

Book number two is a work in progress, a kind of extension and 'bringing up to date' for the reader. Most of my readers have requested this so far, so I don't want to disappoint.

Everybody has a book in them, so they say. Here's hoping for two, three, or even four. Aim high they say!

I'm aiming, OK?

What is NPD?

2010-02-08T05:03:00.000-08:00

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/npd.htm

I found one of the best descriptions here, it's worth a read:

The serial bully displays behaviour congruent with many of the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Characterised by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity and self-importance, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, people with narcissistic personality disorder overestimate their abilities and inflate their accomplishments, often appearing boastful and pretentious, whilst correspondingly underestimating and devaluing the achievements and accomplishments of others.

Often the narcissist will fraudulently claim to have qualifications or experience or affiliations or associations which they don't have or aren't entitled to. Belief in superiority, inflating their self-esteem to match that of senior or important people with whom they associate or identify, insisting on having the "top" professionals or being affiliated with the "best" institutions, but criticising the same people who disappoint them are also common features of narcissistic personality disorder.

Narcissists react angrily to criticism and when rejected, the narcissist will often denounce the profession which has rejected them (usually for lack of competence or misdeed) but simultaneously and paradoxically represent themselves as belonging to the profession they are vilifying.

Fragile self-esteem, a need for constant attention and admiration, fishing for compliments (often with great charm), an expectation of superior entitlement, expecting others to defer to them, and a lack of sensitivity especially when others do not react in the expected manner, are also hallmarks of the disorder. Greed, expecting to receive before and above the needs of others, overworking those around them, and forming romantic (sic) or sexual relationships for the purpose of advancing their purpose or career, abusing special privileges and squandering extra resources also feature.

People with narcissistic personality disorder also have difficulty recognizing the needs and feelings of others, and are dismissive, contemptuous and impatient when others share or discuss their concerns or problems. They are also oblivious to the hurtfulness of their behaviour or remarks, show an emotional coldness and a lack of reciprocal interest, exhibit envy (especially when others are accorded recognition), have an arrogant, disdainful and patronizing attitude, and are quick to blame and criticise others when their needs and expectations are not met.

The DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder are:

A. A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy, as indicated by at least five of:

1. a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, ie unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, ie takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

Apparently

2010-02-07T10:46:00.000-08:00

written in May 2008......

Apparently, I never cared
It seems I never knew
The hopes and dreams I thought we'd shared
Were only held by you

Apparently, it wasn't love
I felt within my soul
When Venus shone from up above
T'was your heart that she stole

Apparently, I never tried
To halt that slashing knife
Rebuffed, rejected, cast aside
Unloving, heartless wife

Apparently, I turned away
I took my love and ran
Left you to rot, in fools decay
You poor, rejected man

Apparently, the pain I feel
Is nothing to compare
My devastation can't be real
My love was never there

The burden of this loss
Is felt by you, exclusively
And I don't ache,
Or cry myself to sleep,apparently

Web of Lies. Prologue and Chapter one

2010-02-07T06:05:00.000-08:00

Prologue

She sat, in her empty house, only the dog for company.
Alone, completely and utterly alone.
And where was he?
In another country, hundreds of miles away.
What was he doing? Working?
He told her he would be here, but at the last minute, work had interrupted his plans.
‘Too much to do’.
He hadn’t seen her in months, hadn’t returned her calls, despite his promises.
She knew now.
He was gone.
Empty promises.
His words meant nothing.
She knew that now.
For the very first time, she saw her own destiny.
She’d fallen in love with a man who was devoid, empty, and hollow.
How could he do this do me?
He left me, alone and destitute.
Alone in this country.
Nobody to help.
No hope.
Nothing……..
She paced around the house.
Isolated, alone, desperate.

There it was, in the garage.

The wind was blowing, it was dark, and it was cold.
She found the answer, and she knew this was the only way.
A new century, a new millennium,
Out with the old……….

The only way to show him, maybe make him understand what he had done.
This would show him.

Poison,
Rat poison.
Anticoagulant.
I’ll bleed to death
Long and slow.
No more than I deserve.
A way out, but not just any way out.
This is a statement.
A spectacular way out.

She picked up the bottle
The dog, as always, at her side.
She walked back into the house.

This is it.
Now or never.
‘I’ll show you.
You bastard’.
She swallows……and swallows…and swallows…..
She fights the gagging sensation.
She holds the pillows, she realises her own despair.
It begins.
It hurts.
Oh dear Jesus, how this hurts……
It starts
The pain, the blood
The sorrow
The loss
The despair…….
The love
The forgiveness
The sorrow…….
The pain,
The intense, and all consuming PAIN………..
She bleeds
She vomits
Then suddenly
‘My family, my brother, my mother,……
What am I doing?’

She fights, she tries to resist
But it’s too late……
She loses the fight, the life ebbs away, slowly but surely.
Her last thought:
‘I hope you know what you did to me’
‘Why?’
‘Oh why, dear Lord, why did you do this to me?’……………

Chapter one - Swept off my feet

Extract from my journal: Feb 10th 2002.

‘Well, eighteen months later and boy did things happen in my life!

I’m getting married in three months, and the future is looking bright for us! I’ve met the most wonderful man on the planet and he wants me to be his wife! I can’t believe it, really I can’t! How things can turn around so quickly! I’m so happy and full of hope! This is the turning point for me. I love him so much and I’m so lucky to have him!’

I am Sarah, and I was 29 years old when I made the decision to leave my hectic life in Berlin for a gentler way of life in Switzerland. It was a big decision to make, and certainly one that would turn my life both upside down and inside out.

I’d always had this idea I’d end up with an older man. I don’t know why or where it came from. I’d had plenty of failed relationships with men around my own age, so I guess I just decided I needed somebody older and wiser.

My life before had been hectic, fast, and even heinous. I’d spent my twenties living the party life. Work hard and party harder, that was my ethos. It had been great, but it had come at a price. By the time I hit twenty-nine I knew it was time for a big change. I needed to slow down. Perhaps this was where the idea of the older man was born in my psyche. Born from the knowledge that things must change: born from a desire to live a ‘normal’ and ‘stable’ life.

It had all happened so quickly I barely had time to register it. From making the decision to leave my current job and the big city behind, to finding myself on a plane to a new country and a new life, it seemed barely a heartbeat had passed.

Yet there I was, suddenly in a new land, full of new people and new promise. The contrast could not have been greater. I moved from a life in the big smoke, to life in the countryside. From all weekend ‘benders’, to farming landscapes and peaceful church chimes. How happy I was with my decision!

And then, before my suitcase was even unpacked (my furniture was still in transit!), there he was.

We met in our place of work. I was the latest addition to the Procurement team; he was the manager of a small department over in Marketing.

From the moment he walked through the door of his office (he was late that day, and I was already there, talking to a colleague) his attention focused solely on me. He immediately engaged me in conversation, completely ignoring the gentleman I was actually there to see. We spent about thirty minutes talking about me, when I’d arrived, how I was finding the new job etc. His attention was so fixed on me I remember feeling slightly awkward. Who was this stranger who had interrupted my meeting? And what did he want from me?

Physically, Bill made no impact on me whatsoever. He was short, overweight and balding. Worst of all, from my point of view, he was smoking a cigarette. At that point he had (so he told me) a twenty a day habit, yet from that day onwards, I never saw him smoke another cigarette.

In an effort to shift both his attention and the focus of the conversation away from myself, I asked him about his job, his department, and what his role in the company was. He seized on this opportunity to immediately arrange a ‘meeting’ with him the next morning so that we could discuss this in ‘more detail’. I agreed. I wasn’t busy at that time and I welcomed the opportunity, on a professional level, to be introduced to his department.

The next day, I duly attended the ‘meeting’, only to find it was just between Bill and myself. Instead of outlining his department’s function, he sat me down at his PC and called up a map of the local area. He then proceeded to explain in great detail where all the best restaurants and shops were located. He talked about his social life; which customers he regularly entertained; where he entertained them; and which wine is served in which restaurant. By the time he had finished his dialogue, it was conveniently lunch-time, so he suggested we go to the local Italian, where he’d treat me to pizza. As it was Friday, and my new boss was abroad on business, I gladly accepted. I felt comfortable with Bill as he was so very attentive. I was at ease, but nothing more. At that point he was still just a friendly manager who was happy to show the new girl on the block the way around.

By the end of lunch though, something had changed. I don’t know if it was the red wine he insisted I drink, or the never-ending rhetoric and humour. He had me laughing and chatting, and, most of all relaxing. By the time he dropped me back off at my office, we had arranged to meet that evening in a local hotel for drinks. I had a strange tingling feeling in my stomach. I felt somehow elated. I smiled for the rest of the afternoon.

What followed was a weekend that would change my life forever.

As I got ready that evening there was no thought in my mind that this would be a romantic liaison. I did not fancy Bill one bit. I was, however, extremely happy to be meeting him for this date, because he made me feel so comfortable. I thought he would be a great friend to have, somebody who was the life and soul, loved by all. I was flattered by the attention he’d shown me, yet I naively believed he was simply a nice man who wanted to do me a favour. He wouldn’t want anything romantic from me anyway. I was seventeen years younger than him, and already it was clear to me that he was intellectually out of my league. He was obviously a man of means, and highly intelligent. I was impressed by his command of the language, his knowledge of politics and the arts (all things which were alien to me, as I’d spent the last ten years sitting in night clubs talking nonsense to nobodies!). I was fascinated by his tales, and couldn’t wait to spend more time with him.

We met at a lake front five star hotel. He was there before me, and had already ‘taken the liberty’ of ordering our wine.

During the course of that first evening he bought two bottles of one of the most expensive wines on the menu. For a girl who was used to sipping Becks beer from the bottle, this was really quite something.

From the hotel bar we moved to a small nightclub in the basement, where the drinks continued to flow.

We exchanged tales of our respective pasts, and he told me that he’d been married, twice. His first marriage had taken place when he was very young and naïve, his second marriage was one of business convenience. It was a mutual agreement between himself and a friend (who happened to also be his accountant).

He told me he had three adult children by his first wife: no offspring from the second marriage.

I was fascinated, spellbound. This man had led a full and colourful life. He was well travelled, well versed, and so very experienced. Not only that, but he was clearly a successful businessman, who had ‘retired’ to his position in the company where we worked, in order to ‘kick back and enjoy life’ a little more.

I wondered what on earth it was that Bill could possible find interesting about little me. Here I was, just twenty-nine, and with no significant story to tell. Yet he seemed in awe of me. The perfect gentlemen, he appeared genuinely interested in everything I had to say. He paid me compliments, held open doors, and treated me with kindness and respect.

As the evening wore on I was becoming more and more drunk, and I was having an absolutely fantastic time.

It seemed Bill was too, because when it came time to leave the club, it was clear that neither of us wanted to leave the other’s company just yet.

‘Why don’t we go back to mine?’ He suggested.

‘I don’t know about you, but I’m starving, and I think we both need some food to help mop up all this wine!’

I had to agree, once out in the fresh air I was staggering somewhat. Not really a good look when you’re on a first date with somebody, but I felt so completely comfortable in his company by now, it really didn’t seem to matter. I gladly accepted his invitation; comfortable that he really was a perfect gentleman, and that we were going to become the best of friends.

That was the start of the weekend that would change the course of my entire life.

I woke up in the morning with my head spinning. At first I didn’t even know where I was. I looked around the room. I was in Bill’s bedroom, lying in bed fully clothed. I remembered him leading me here a few hours earlier. For a split second I felt panic, did I……?

Then I heard him moving around in the kitchen, and I realised he had let me use his bed, and had slept on the sofa.

‘Good morning Sarah! You look like you need a coffee!’

‘Morning Bill…..ouch….yes, coffee would be nice please’.

He was bright and breezy, and incredibly funny. I felt once again at ease, if a little perplexed and extremely hung over.

‘So, what shall we do today? How about I take you out and show you some of the sights? What would you like to do, name anything, we’ll do whatever you want’.

I couldn’t really think straight. I hadn’t planned on spending today with him as well, but when I thought about it, what else did I have to do? My furniture had still not arrived, so I was literally camping in my new flat. A day of sight seeing with Bill sounded like fun.

‘Actually Bill, I fancy getting some exercise to blow the cobwebs away a bit’

‘Perfect! Great idea! Do you swim? I know a lovely hotel with a spa, how about that for blowing cobwebs away?’

‘That sounds like a fantastic idea Bill’ I smiled. This was going to be a great weekend.

As he was handing me a coffee, my mobile phone rang. It was my mum. He indicated to me that he was going to take a shower. I took the call, and moved out to the balcony so I could speak to her. I didn’t want her knowing I’d just spend the night with a man (albeit not ‘with’ him), and I couldn’t face having to explain it. I’d only arrived in my new town a week or so ago, and I thought she’d probably start worrying if she knew I’d already started to get close to a man.

Whilst I was on the balcony, Bill suddenly put his head around the door; he was naked except for a towel. He proceeded to speak to me despite, knowing I was talking to my mother.

I shot him a nervous look, which made him stop talking and make one of those ‘oops’ faces.
She heard his voice, and immediately asked me who it was.

‘Oh, it’s a friend from work who has offered to take me into town today, he’s just arrived to pick me up’ I lied.

We went to a beautiful spa hotel on the banks of the lake. There was a small swimming pool and a Jacuzzi area. We leapt in the Jacuzzi and laughed with excitement. I was having an absolute ball.

Bill ordered drinks from the bar. Bloody Marys. I’d never had a Bloody Mary in my life. More alcohol!

At this stage we had the pool area completely to ourselves. It was a cold October Saturday morning after all, not many people were about. As the drinks were delivered Bill was just getting out of the pool. I walked over to the sun lounger area and lay down on one, a warm, fuzzy, and very contented feeling in my stomach. Once the waiter had gone, Bill was standing at the foot of my sun lounger. Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, he took down his swimming trunks.

He was standing right in front of me, full frontal. I didn’t know where to look! We were in a public place after all, and he must surely have known it was completely inappropriate to simply disrobe like he did.

‘What are you doing?’ I exclaimed.

‘What’s wrong? He innocently asked, standing there confidently.
‘In my family we always walked naked in front of each other, there’s nothing wrong with it!’

‘We’re not family, and we’re not in a family home!’ I was mortified by now, but I brushed it aside, and as he replaced his swimmers and handed me my drink, I laughed it off.

Looking back now I can see clearly that this incident, on my very first date with him, along with the phone incident earlier in the day, were classic signs of Bill asserting his ‘power’. This is classic narcissist behaviour. Put your stamp on something that is yours. This was something which was to happen many more times over the coming months and years.

Summary of the Book

2010-02-07T04:34:00.000-08:00

'Web of Lies - My life with a Narcissist' by Sarah Tate. It's coming soon!

Here's the summary!

Web of Lies takes you on an emotional roller-coaster, experienced through the eyes of Sarah Tate, an intelligent, young newcomer to Switzerland who is swept off her feet by an older, more experienced company manager. Within weeks of their meeting, Bill impresses her with a courtship vastly unusual in modern times. He lures Sarah with his intellect along with numerous gifts, expensive restaurants, and trips to luxury hotels. Sarah, who is searching for not only love but security, quickly finds herself falling for the worldly but sensitive and caring man Bill represents himself to be. In Web of Lies, she describes the highs and the lows of what it is like to be involved with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, how to come to terms with the abuse, and most importantly, how to escape.

Bill, who is seventeen years older than Sarah, has led what she finds at first to be a fascinating life. Married twice before, he has been recently widowed, after his second wife fell into depression and took her own life. Within months of their first meeting, Bill has proposes to Sarah, and they are planning a lavish wedding and exciting new life together. However, Sarah quickly starts to feel there may be more to Bill than meets the eye. Bill explains to Sarah, that his second marriage was one of convenience. Bill says his second wife, Sofia, was his accountant and very good friend, and they had married for tax reasons. Furthermore, he claims she ran his affairs while he was the manager of a successful business in Germany, and had committed suicide when she realised she was about to be found out for mismanaging his accounts and stealing money from his business to fund the purchase of a house for her mother. When a debt collection company comes knocking on the door, Bill explains it by blaming the debt on the late Sofia.

Shortly after the birth of her first child, Sarah is horrified when Bill’s employer threatens to take him to court for trying to sell insider secrets to one of their customers. Bill proclaims his innocence and fights the case, which eventually ends in stalemate, but at a high cost businesswise and socially. It ruins life in Switzerland for the family, and they have no alternative but to move to France where Bill can again find work and be near his parents. Sarah is incredibly unhappy in France with two small children by now to look after, and in-laws who seem to want nothing to do with her and the children. She falls into depression which is exacerbated by Bill’s lack of emotion, the deteriorating relationship with his parents and the fact that their financial situation is continually strained, due to Bill’s debt history and mismanagement of their finances. She despairs as he evicts his own parents from the home they had spent their life savings on so he can sell it to survive the financial crisis he has created.

Sarah battles to keep the marriage on track, but is frustrated by Bill’s lackadaisical attitude towards work, and his constant bragging about how he’s going to make millions via various entrepreneurial schemes which never materialize. After much deliberation, Sarah and Bill decide to move back to Switzerland with the hope it will revitalize their marriage. However, the move back to Switzerland proves to be the final nail in the coffin of their relationship after Bill teams up with an internet entrepreneur, and invests vast amounts of time and effort into building a series of web sites, which he never completes. He uses all their savings and lands them in financial hot water by failing to generate any income to sustain his ever growing family, which now includes a third child.

Sarah eventually begins to wake up to Bill’s lies and schemes, but not before she discovers he’s taken the last of their money, borrowed from her parents to feed their children, to fund a lavish trip to London in order to entertain his young girlfriend (his new narcissistic source of supply). Bill unashamedly declares his undying love for his latest flame, totally disregarding both Sarah and his young children.

As the marriage ends, Sarah battles serious clinical depression in order to cope with the destructive relationship with Bill. She finally asks him to leave, but his blatant refusal finally forces her to move herself and the children out of their home three months later. With the help of their lawyer, Sarah divorces Bill, and thus begins her slow recovery from almost a decade of narcissistic abuse. Part of her recovery included gathering the courage to contact Sofia’s brother in order to find out what had really gone on in Bill’s past, and she is shocked to hear the real truth about his life with Sofia. Not only had theirs not been a marriage of convenience, Bill had abused her in the same way he had abused Sarah - financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually - leaving her utterly alone and in a desperate state.

Sarah realizes finally that she must break the pattern of abuse in order to escape with her sanity in tact. Mindful of protecting her children from him, she eventually stands up to Bill for the final time, and is left at the end to carve a new life. She is in debt and alone, but thankfully free from Bill’s negative and unhealthy influence.

My life in soap land

2010-02-07T04:23:00.000-08:00

Soapland

I'm talking to myself again
I'm sitting here alone
Looking at an empty room
Light's on, no-one home

I think I'll watch some telly now
And make a cup of tea
Lose myself for half an hour
In someone else but me

In soapland everybody has
Some drama in their life
A teenage mum, a gangster
Or a half-cut, battered wife

There's always something going on
Even on the dullest days
A kidnapped child, a drunken fight
A nightclub set ablaze

A sit and lose myself in soap
Wishing my life weren't so void
And all the while
Behind the scenes
My world is being destroyed

A false sense of security
Has lulled me through the years
I thought my life was pretty dull
Just normal hopes and fears

But whilst I sit here, all alone
And long for something new
I don't suspect, that pretty soon
I'll be in soapland too.....

It's whoosh! and wow! and suddenly
My life's turned on it's head
My goodness, this is better than
Any book I've ever read!

I'm plunged into dramatic turns
I find I'm centre stage
Betrayal, love, the feathers fly
Please someone, turn the page!

The leading role
In soap-land now
For this, I'm not equipped
If only I'd been warned before
I might have learned the script!

Instead, I improvise each day
And try to muddle through
And wonder if I'll win awards
For this acting début

And now I wonder why on earth
I craved to live in soap
For here in drama-land
The learning curve
Is one steep slope!

It's coming at me from all sides
The drama! Oh! the stress!
I wish I'd gone to make-up
Bloody hell
I look a mess!

In soap-land, leading ladies
Are neither glamorous nor young
We're usually just stressed out
Overweight, and highly strung....

We live our lives of disarray
We deal with all our strife
Heroins, who struggle through each day
And get the best from life

And now I'm here in soap-land
How I crave my life of old
That boring, empty room of mine
A wonder to behold

If I could have normality
This soap-life I would ditch
I'm begging, please, just somebody
Oh let me flick that switch....

To turn this off, and so return
To life so dull and grey
And learn to act
And be prepared
For life's next huge dismay

But here I am in soap-land
For now at least, there's no release
So I paint my face, and learn my lines
And hope, in time, for peace.........

The Web

2010-02-07T04:20:00.000-08:00

The Web

Your story started long ago
When you began to weave
Small threads at first
They quickly grow
You practice to deceive

So intricate, this web you made
Your life, your love, your wealth
So tied up in this masquerade
You believe the lies yourself

And so it grows,the web of lies
And innocents fall prey
A shattered life, despair, demise
A world in disarray

And still you weave, you have no choice
You're tangled up so tight
Ignoring conscience,inner voice
No power to do what's right

The lies fall from your lips with ease
The web grows larger still
A verbal strike, from mind diseased
And woven with such skill

And so you live in silken thread
You're trapped in self deceit
Perpetuate until you're dead
When truth concedes defeat