Saturday, October 20, 2012

Doormat, or emotional punch-bag?

I recently received this negative review on

I have nothing against negative reviews, they are part and parcel of being a published Author, and I welcome ALL critique, be it positive, or negative.

I just had to take exception to a couple of the points raised here though. Mainly because I'm human, and we all have that primal urge to 'redress' certain issues.

So, I'll take this 'review' of Web of Lies step by step, if I may.....

My book is a novel. It's NOT a self help book. It's a dramatic interpretation of real life events, and should therefore be classed as such. I didn't set out to write a 'self help' guide for victims of narcissistic abuse. I set out to tell a story about what happened to me, how it felt, and how I dealt with it. At no point do I tell my readers how to deal with their own issues. This was a very personal journey which I chose to share with the world. I do not proclaim to be an expert on NPD/APD. Indeed, I learned as I went along, as most victims do......

There is a HUGE clue in the title of the book 'My Life with a Narcissist'. It's an 'autobiographical novel' and should be read as such.

Further, there is a clearly worded disclaimer at the start of my book, which informs the reader, in no uncertain terms, that this is AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL, and that my book is SUBJECTIVE, NOT OBJECTIVE.

If you read beyond this point and are disappointed, then I'm sorry, but what were you expecting?

Finally, I have to address the 'doormat' issue, not only for myself, but for the many thousands (maybe even millions) of victims of emotional abuse.......

If you are fortunate enough to have never come into contact with a psychopath, then I applaud you. You are very lucky, and long may it last.
However, for those of us who have, it's extremely disconcerting to be described as a 'doormat'
Do you think we don't say this to ourselves every day?
Do you think we all INTENTIONALLY allowed ourselves to be abused?

Please, give us all (and there are many of us, believe me) some credit.

We are not, and never were 'doormats'

We were emotionally raped. We were in love. Hopelessly and totally in love. And you are never weaker and more vulnerable than you are when you're bowled over by another human being. At that point, you are completely at their mercy.

Well done for you, Mrs Critique, for never having been in that position. It isn't a good place to be, as I mention many times in Web of Lies, Self loathing is the worst type of depression.....and the reason us 'doormats' stayed so long with our Narc/Psych is because of exactly you understand that?
Maybe not. And why should you? If you've never been abused, how can you possibly know how it feels?

But please, Mrs Critique, don't label us victims as 'doormats'. We are far from that. My book is testimony to this. I receive weekly Emails from grateful people who thank me for sharing my experience with them and giving them the strength to recognise just what they're up against, and make that final break.

Because, making that final break is the all important step for us 'doormats'. Our eyes are opened, and we leave.

As you yourself say in your 'review' of my book, you were hoping that:

" there might be some helpful advice as to how to either just "cope" or at least survive on some kind of level playing field with a narcissist"

Well, dear reader, there is no such thing as 'coping' or 'a level playing field with a narcissist', and as long as you believe that there is, there is no hope for your relationship 'it'.

If you are genuinely looking for advice and help on how to deal with your Narc/Psycpoath, then I hope you find the right book for you. If you think you can 'survive' in a relationship with one, and not become the 'doormat' you describe, then I wish you luck.....

Because, as us 'doormats' will tell you, there is only one way to 'cope', and that's to get as far away as possible.....oh, and maybe wipe your feet, on the way out.......


  1. I couldn't agree more with you Sarah, unfortunately many people are often too quick at making judgment without having a full understanding of what they are talking about. It is not a criticism on them, just a fact.
    Your story is an eye opener to those who are scarred from NPD relationships. People who have not experienced it, or do not see that it is what they are experiencing, will not understand what we went through.
    When I discovered what my relationship had been based on, it all made sense and I wanted to tell the world, unfortunately the world was not ready to hear it, and thought I was looking for something to justify the breakdown of my relationship while rejecting all responsibility.
    The doormat comment from the review is a vocal way of expressing what a lot of people around us secretly think but do not want to say by fear of upsetting us, and they are right, it is upsetting to be made to think that after years of pain, we are now seen as being responsible for our own suffering by having stuck with it for so long.
    I now understand that there is only a handful of people around me who can hear and understand it, and generally it is because they have themselves experienced it without knowing until they could put a name on their pain.
    Keep doing what you are doing Sarah, your story is inspiring and many will benefit from it. Those who don't are lucky, and may their luck remain with them forever, because nobody should go through what we did or still do.
    For people like me, you show us that there really is an issue, that it isn't all in our minds, that it can be stopped, and that there is a light at the end of the long dark tunnel. You also help us recognise the signs to avoid falling in the same trap again, and that is priceless.
    Thank you for your books.
    God bless.

  2. Thanks for your comment!

    You are right of course. People who have not been through this could never know how it feels, which is why I aim my book at a very precise market, namely, those who are in/or have recently come out of, this kind of situation.
    I make no claim in my book, on my website, or anywhere else, to be an expert on psychology. All I do is recount what happened to me. And I know from the many Emails I get each week, that this story resounds with so many people.
    Self loathing, as I say in the book, is a big part of what happened to me, and what happens to many victims of this type of abuse. The insecurities were there before your Narc/Psych selected you...IT WAS PART OF THE REASON HE/SHE DID.

    But, take comfort in this thought.....Narcs/Psych's love a challenge, it helps to feed them. They don't prey on 'doormats'. That's just not exciting enough for them. They need a real person, who has their own beliefs. A strong woman/man, who they can 'break'. This is what gives them their kicks. If you were selected by a narc/psych, it's because you presented a challenge.
    Believe this. xx

  3. """
    Because, as us 'doormats' will tell you, there is only one way to 'cope', and that's to get as far away as possible.....oh, and maybe wipe your feet, on the way out....... """"

    Hi, I stumble upon the link to your blog when I googled the words "emotional abuse, doormat." Im trying to read about how to know when you're in a NPD relationship. Because I'm not really sure if I am in one, or maybe I am in denial for 12mos now.

  4. The whole Family law system is run by psychopaths for psychopaths with children the main victims and a ton of collateral damamge