I recently read an excellent article which gives tips on how to prevent yourself from falling into the same trap again with regards to having a romantic relationship with a sociopath or narcissist. It’s something which worries each and every one of us. I’ve had many questions since the book was published regarding this very matter, and believe me, it’s something I’ve also pondered long and hard myself.
There is no fixed time-scale for recovery, but I believe you must be a good way down the recovery path before you can consider getting involved in any sort of romantic relationship.
Most of the women who contact me ask “will I ever be able to trust a partner again?” I would say the answer to that question should be an emphatic ‘yes’. What’s harder to answer is “can I ever trust my own judgement again?” That (to me at least) is the tougher of the two questions.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll be wondering how it was you could have got it so wrong. How could I not notice the warning signs in the beginning? Why was I so blind? And why on earth did it take me so long before I finally woke up and pulled the plug?
Don’t beat yourself up about these things. NPD/APD’s are masters of disguise. It’s almost impossible not to be taken in by their lies. Remind yourself how many others were also fooled at the same time. Your friends, family, business people, bank managers etc. How many others were taken in during the time that you knew him? I bet there were a good few, right? So don’t be too hard on yourself for falling for his charms. You won’t be the first, and you won’t be the last either. So the best thing to do is ACCEPT it, and move on.
What are the chances of it happening again?
Well, that again depends on how quickly you can facilitate recovery, and how much you have learned to accept about what happened. In my opinion, it cannot happen quickly. If you find yourself getting involved with somebody again almost immediately, then my advice would be to take a step back. Give yourself time. It's a knee-jerk reaction and totally normal to want to 'replace' the relationship as quickly as possible. But, unless you head is in the right place, you risk either getting involved with somebody who isn’t right for you, or once again getting sucked in by the same characteristics you were attracted to the last time.
The article gives excellent advice with regards to waiting. You need to re-discover yourself and what drives you emotionally. This can only be done over time, and by finding ways to enrich your life in other ways which don’t include romance, at least not for now. There's much more to life than being somebody's 'significant other', so enjoy the time you have to concentrate on your own emotions, without having to worry about somebody else's.
If you have kids, take the time to focus solely on them. The chances are, you’ve been deprived of quality time with one another because of all the stress caused by the relationship breakdown and the subsequent fallout. Spend time with them, and you’ll find that for the time being at least, you don’t need anything or anybody else in your life.
Apart from kids (or if there aren’t any kids),surround yourself with good, reliable people. Become a good, reliable person yourself. Cultivate friendships, and step back from shallow people who drain your energy. The people who stand by you during the difficult times are worth their weight in gold. Hang on to them, and you’ll never be lonely again.
One of the most difficult things to do after the break down of a toxic relationship is to rebuild self-esteem. Again, time is the key. You need to actually get used to being on your own again and being happy in your own skin. It takes time to regain confidence and repair the damage. Don't rush it, you'll recover at your own pace. You'll know when you're ready to move on, and into another relationship.
Be assured though, you are better equipped now than you were when you met your ex. You will know the signs to watch out for, and you’ll trust your inner voice more this time too! You'll instinctively be on your guard, and therefore less vulnerable than last time. Once you've understood what it was about you that attracted him/her in the first place, you'll know what needs to be changed the next time you venture into 'dating' territory. And when you do, just try to relax and enjoy the experience of getting to know somebody new, but go at YOUR pace and make sure you have clear boundaries set from the start.
If it feels wrong, then it probably is.
The experience you had with your ex will arm you for the future. Believe that you will find happiness again, and you will, in time.
So, to answer the question "When will I love again?" I can only say "When you're ready, and not a moment before."
"If you wish to succeed in life, make perseverance your bosom friend, experience your wise counsellor, caution your elder brother, and hope your guardian genius."
Joseph Addison
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Words........
Inspired by a lovely compliment I received today, I'm posting these song lyrics, which appear in the book
If there are any musicians out there, I'm looking for music for this song.....
Words come so easy to one such as you
When words flow with ease, they don't need to be true
Creating a world, a fictitous story
Becoming a God in your kingdom of glory
Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words can't make love, and our love is broken
A wonderful hero, a spectacular mind
Words upon words, no substance behind
But here in the real world, words aren't enough
They give no support, when the going gets tough
Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
Your words can't heal love, our love is so broken
Here in the land of the living and breathing
Reality's hard, there are mouths that need feeding
Actions speak louder than words in this life
Your actions destroyed us, they cut like a knife
Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words can't save love, and our love is broken
Promises promises, I've heard them for years
Words and more words, they fall on deaf ears
Empty and void, your words are so shallow
No longer ring true, they are empty and hollow
Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words can't heal love, our love is so broken
So I listen no more to the romantic dream
I can take it no longer, your words make me scream
So go forth and conquer, imaginary knight
Find another young mind, your words to excite
Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words won't save love, our love it is broken
Write some more words, but leave me in peace
Keep living your dreamland, just give me release
Further and further, you're fading away
You ran and you hid, left me in today
Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words can't heal love, our love is so broken
Linguistic expression can't repair what you've done
Run along to your tart now, for my love has gone....
note: Inspired by the 1992 song of the same name, by Madonna
If there are any musicians out there, I'm looking for music for this song.....
Words come so easy to one such as you
When words flow with ease, they don't need to be true
Creating a world, a fictitous story
Becoming a God in your kingdom of glory
Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words can't make love, and our love is broken
A wonderful hero, a spectacular mind
Words upon words, no substance behind
But here in the real world, words aren't enough
They give no support, when the going gets tough
Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
Your words can't heal love, our love is so broken
Here in the land of the living and breathing
Reality's hard, there are mouths that need feeding
Actions speak louder than words in this life
Your actions destroyed us, they cut like a knife
Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words can't save love, and our love is broken
Promises promises, I've heard them for years
Words and more words, they fall on deaf ears
Empty and void, your words are so shallow
No longer ring true, they are empty and hollow
Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words can't heal love, our love is so broken
So I listen no more to the romantic dream
I can take it no longer, your words make me scream
So go forth and conquer, imaginary knight
Find another young mind, your words to excite
Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words won't save love, our love it is broken
Write some more words, but leave me in peace
Keep living your dreamland, just give me release
Further and further, you're fading away
You ran and you hid, left me in today
Your words are so empty, be they written or spoken
These words can't heal love, our love is so broken
Linguistic expression can't repair what you've done
Run along to your tart now, for my love has gone....
note: Inspired by the 1992 song of the same name, by Madonna
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Eclipsed heart and mind of the Narcissist
I really think this song deserves an airing on here. It says so much.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Dealing with anger...a skill we must learn
When I first contacted the brother of my ex’s late wife, almost nine years had passed since her death. I was concerned that I might be opening up old wounds, and was therefore very cautious when approaching him.
Despite the long time lapse, he was still very angry about the damage caused to his sister by my ex. In fact, I think that perhaps the anger had grown over time. It’s easy to understand why this happens. It’s due to a lack of closure. He was never able to get the answers he sought about his sisters’ tragic demise. He had sent Emails to my ex to demand an explanation, but was met with nothing but stony silence. This had left him in a state of frustrated limbo, with no outlet for his feelings of anger towards my ex.
The same thing happened to me when my relationship broke down. So many questions were left unanswered, and despite my best efforts, I was unable to get any satisfactory explanation as to what had happened. I felt overwhelmed with bitter recrimination.
At the time, I was ignorant to his Personality Disorder, and as a result of this, I ended up turning a lot of the anger and frustration in on myself. This placed me in a living hell, and it took me many months, and a great deal of will power, to get myself out of the pit.
During that time, I was advised to use my anger to give me strength. This was very good advice, and I follow it to this day.
Anger is a powerful source of energy, and I found I was able to use that energy to spur me on and get myself away from the toxic situation.
Anger can be positive in this respect. It's a primary instinct which creates fire in our bellies, and is fundamental in aiding our ‘fight or flight’ instinct.
With me, flight came first. Initially, I knew I needed to get myself and the kids away from this situation, at any cost. It was preservation, fuelled by anger, that got me through this time. Instinct took over, and I found myself on auto-pilot. The anger drove me through, and gave me the energy to get away from the 'danger'.
Once away, the anger didn’t abate. If anything, as I started to gain inner strength and recover some clarity of thought, I found the anger was deepening. This time, it was directed towards my ex. There is no tangible release for anger such as this, because being angry with your NPD/APD ex is akin to banging your own head against a brick wall. You’re just going to hurt yourself. It’s never going to get you anywhere, because he/she will never acknowledge they have done wrong, and, therefore, your anger can never be ‘validated’.
Closure will evade you for as long as you are in a highly fragile angered state. You need to find an outlet, or a channel, or the energy will eat away at you and you'll be the one to suffer.
For me, some release came through learning more about my ex’s history. I was fortunate that by making contact with his late wife’s brother, I was able to gain knowledge which ‘armed’ me for future dealings with him ( the ensuing anger gave me the strength to fight). It was also an enormous help to the brother, who was finally given an outlet for his own anger. By swapping information with me, he was able to come to terms with what had happened to his sister.
It wasn’t closure for either of us, but it was certainly a step closer. His anger was validated by hearing what I had to say, and mine was validated by hearing the truth about what had happened to his sister. This knowledge helped me to make sense of the situation I was in. Temporarily, you can bet we both got even angrier! But at least we were able to vent to eachother, and hence find a release for the pent up emotions we both harboured. It was a step forwards for both of us. One step further down the road to recovery from the impact the NPD/APD had on both our lives.
Further release came through learning about the psychology aspect of what had happened to me. It was certainly a ‘light bulb moment’ when I discovered the true nature of Personality Disorders (in this case NPD/APD), and the havoc they wreak upon the loved ones of sufferers. It suddenly started to make sense, and I was able to look back over the entire relationship and pinpoint all the ‘warning signs’ I’d ignored along the way. Suddenly I became aware that I wasn’t the first (and won’t be the last) to have gone through this nightmare. Knowing you are not alone is extremely empowering. Learning about the root cause of the problem, equally so. This gave more validation, and reduced the anger to a more manageable level.
It was also very important for me to understand (as I’ve said before) my own role in the relationship.
Understanding how YOU have contributed to a pattern of events is an essential part of the healing process.
Inevitably I got angry with myself. This is only natural. Many of the events could not have taken place were it not for my active participation. However, I had to learn not blame myself for what happened.
We all need to learn to accept that it wasn't our fault. We must accept we made errors of judgement about his/her character. Acknowledge that we made some misguided decisions whilst in the relationship. We must admit these blunders, and then move on from them.
Again, don’t place unrealistic expectations on yourself about the feelings of anger. They are going to keep coming in waves for a long time yet. And nothing you can do will be able to prevent it.
If, (like me) you have been left with children to nurture and a mountain of debt to overcome (or other similar seemingly hopeless circumstances), you can’t expect the anger to dissipate any time soon. I still get very angry in certain situations. When I observe the hurt which has been caused to the children (triggers for this usually come out of the blue, from the mouths of the children themselves), or see glimpses of 'what might have been' when I look at other ‘normal’ families, it hurts me to the core. This hurt is then quickly replaced by searing anger.
This is a cycle I’ve come to accept. I know there’s no point trying to fight it, so I am resigned to the inevitability of these feelings. However, instead of letting the fire consume me when it comes, I instead try to channel the energy it generates.
I use this energy boost to fuel my determination to be a better and more dedicated Mum to my kids. I try to turn the anger into a solid resolve to fix the mass of problems the ex created in his wake, and to succeed where he so miserably failed.
Like other emotions, you cannot just switch anger off. What you can do though, is try to release it safely without doing any harm to yourself or your loved ones. You CAN turn it from a negative into a positive. Let it become a driving force in your determination to overcome the situation you have been left with. Learn to channel this powerful emotion to YOUR benefit, and yours alone.
Failing this, you need an outlet. Talk, talk, and talk some more! Talk to anybody who will listen. Vent, and get it out.
If there’s nobody to talk to, do something energetic. Go for a run, hit the gym, or simply punch your pillow. Don’t keep it in. It has to come out.
Try not to dwell on your feelings of anger towards your ex. As I said before, the PD is no outlet. Your anger AT him/her will never be validated BY him/her, therefore, it's energy wasted.
It happened. You can’t change it. You can’t change him/her. He/she couldn't even help it, so there's just no point being angry at them.
Scream out loud if you must, but keep the anger in the moment. Don’t let it spill over into the rest of your life.
Wounds like this don’t heal easily. It’s unrealistic to expect ourselves to be ‘fixed’ within any given time frame. All you can do is face each wave of anger as it comes, and either channel it in a positive way (fight or flight), or simply let it go.
Whatever you do though, don’t bottle it up. You can never heal if you do. Bottling it up is like picking at the wound from within. It will irritate it, and infect it, and you’ll end up carrying even deeper scars than before.
As hard as it may seem, you must let it go. You’re not ‘letting him/her get away with it’ by releasing the anger and no longer harbouring resentment. On the contrary, you’re rising above it, and into a place where they can never hurt you again.
Anger is a primary instinct over which we have little influence. We should not try to ignore or suppress our anger, but instead learn to respond to it in a way which will ultimately facilitate our recovery.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha
Despite the long time lapse, he was still very angry about the damage caused to his sister by my ex. In fact, I think that perhaps the anger had grown over time. It’s easy to understand why this happens. It’s due to a lack of closure. He was never able to get the answers he sought about his sisters’ tragic demise. He had sent Emails to my ex to demand an explanation, but was met with nothing but stony silence. This had left him in a state of frustrated limbo, with no outlet for his feelings of anger towards my ex.
The same thing happened to me when my relationship broke down. So many questions were left unanswered, and despite my best efforts, I was unable to get any satisfactory explanation as to what had happened. I felt overwhelmed with bitter recrimination.
At the time, I was ignorant to his Personality Disorder, and as a result of this, I ended up turning a lot of the anger and frustration in on myself. This placed me in a living hell, and it took me many months, and a great deal of will power, to get myself out of the pit.
During that time, I was advised to use my anger to give me strength. This was very good advice, and I follow it to this day.
Anger is a powerful source of energy, and I found I was able to use that energy to spur me on and get myself away from the toxic situation.
Anger can be positive in this respect. It's a primary instinct which creates fire in our bellies, and is fundamental in aiding our ‘fight or flight’ instinct.
With me, flight came first. Initially, I knew I needed to get myself and the kids away from this situation, at any cost. It was preservation, fuelled by anger, that got me through this time. Instinct took over, and I found myself on auto-pilot. The anger drove me through, and gave me the energy to get away from the 'danger'.
Once away, the anger didn’t abate. If anything, as I started to gain inner strength and recover some clarity of thought, I found the anger was deepening. This time, it was directed towards my ex. There is no tangible release for anger such as this, because being angry with your NPD/APD ex is akin to banging your own head against a brick wall. You’re just going to hurt yourself. It’s never going to get you anywhere, because he/she will never acknowledge they have done wrong, and, therefore, your anger can never be ‘validated’.
Closure will evade you for as long as you are in a highly fragile angered state. You need to find an outlet, or a channel, or the energy will eat away at you and you'll be the one to suffer.
For me, some release came through learning more about my ex’s history. I was fortunate that by making contact with his late wife’s brother, I was able to gain knowledge which ‘armed’ me for future dealings with him ( the ensuing anger gave me the strength to fight). It was also an enormous help to the brother, who was finally given an outlet for his own anger. By swapping information with me, he was able to come to terms with what had happened to his sister.
It wasn’t closure for either of us, but it was certainly a step closer. His anger was validated by hearing what I had to say, and mine was validated by hearing the truth about what had happened to his sister. This knowledge helped me to make sense of the situation I was in. Temporarily, you can bet we both got even angrier! But at least we were able to vent to eachother, and hence find a release for the pent up emotions we both harboured. It was a step forwards for both of us. One step further down the road to recovery from the impact the NPD/APD had on both our lives.
Further release came through learning about the psychology aspect of what had happened to me. It was certainly a ‘light bulb moment’ when I discovered the true nature of Personality Disorders (in this case NPD/APD), and the havoc they wreak upon the loved ones of sufferers. It suddenly started to make sense, and I was able to look back over the entire relationship and pinpoint all the ‘warning signs’ I’d ignored along the way. Suddenly I became aware that I wasn’t the first (and won’t be the last) to have gone through this nightmare. Knowing you are not alone is extremely empowering. Learning about the root cause of the problem, equally so. This gave more validation, and reduced the anger to a more manageable level.
It was also very important for me to understand (as I’ve said before) my own role in the relationship.
Understanding how YOU have contributed to a pattern of events is an essential part of the healing process.
Inevitably I got angry with myself. This is only natural. Many of the events could not have taken place were it not for my active participation. However, I had to learn not blame myself for what happened.
We all need to learn to accept that it wasn't our fault. We must accept we made errors of judgement about his/her character. Acknowledge that we made some misguided decisions whilst in the relationship. We must admit these blunders, and then move on from them.
Again, don’t place unrealistic expectations on yourself about the feelings of anger. They are going to keep coming in waves for a long time yet. And nothing you can do will be able to prevent it.
If, (like me) you have been left with children to nurture and a mountain of debt to overcome (or other similar seemingly hopeless circumstances), you can’t expect the anger to dissipate any time soon. I still get very angry in certain situations. When I observe the hurt which has been caused to the children (triggers for this usually come out of the blue, from the mouths of the children themselves), or see glimpses of 'what might have been' when I look at other ‘normal’ families, it hurts me to the core. This hurt is then quickly replaced by searing anger.
This is a cycle I’ve come to accept. I know there’s no point trying to fight it, so I am resigned to the inevitability of these feelings. However, instead of letting the fire consume me when it comes, I instead try to channel the energy it generates.
I use this energy boost to fuel my determination to be a better and more dedicated Mum to my kids. I try to turn the anger into a solid resolve to fix the mass of problems the ex created in his wake, and to succeed where he so miserably failed.
Like other emotions, you cannot just switch anger off. What you can do though, is try to release it safely without doing any harm to yourself or your loved ones. You CAN turn it from a negative into a positive. Let it become a driving force in your determination to overcome the situation you have been left with. Learn to channel this powerful emotion to YOUR benefit, and yours alone.
Failing this, you need an outlet. Talk, talk, and talk some more! Talk to anybody who will listen. Vent, and get it out.
If there’s nobody to talk to, do something energetic. Go for a run, hit the gym, or simply punch your pillow. Don’t keep it in. It has to come out.
Try not to dwell on your feelings of anger towards your ex. As I said before, the PD is no outlet. Your anger AT him/her will never be validated BY him/her, therefore, it's energy wasted.
It happened. You can’t change it. You can’t change him/her. He/she couldn't even help it, so there's just no point being angry at them.
Scream out loud if you must, but keep the anger in the moment. Don’t let it spill over into the rest of your life.
Wounds like this don’t heal easily. It’s unrealistic to expect ourselves to be ‘fixed’ within any given time frame. All you can do is face each wave of anger as it comes, and either channel it in a positive way (fight or flight), or simply let it go.
Whatever you do though, don’t bottle it up. You can never heal if you do. Bottling it up is like picking at the wound from within. It will irritate it, and infect it, and you’ll end up carrying even deeper scars than before.
As hard as it may seem, you must let it go. You’re not ‘letting him/her get away with it’ by releasing the anger and no longer harbouring resentment. On the contrary, you’re rising above it, and into a place where they can never hurt you again.
Anger is a primary instinct over which we have little influence. We should not try to ignore or suppress our anger, but instead learn to respond to it in a way which will ultimately facilitate our recovery.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha
Friday, September 10, 2010
Mr Duplicity....beware of passive aggression
Extract from Web of Lies - My Life with a Narcissist
"“We’ve been married three years today,” I said
“Yes, I know.”
“It’s been a hell of a three years, hasn’t it?”
“It sure has.” He wasn’t smiling. He looked almost bored.
“Ask me if I’m happy.”
“What?” He rolled his eyes to the ceiling in a ‘oh here we go again’ expression of
exasperation.
“Ask me if I’m happy Bill. Do you think I’m happy? Do I look happy to you?”
“I’m trying my hardest to make you happy, but it seems at the moment nothing is
good enough”
“Nothing’s good enough? How can you say that after I’ve put up with so much in
such a short space of time?”
“I know it’s been hard, but none of it is my fault. You wanted to come to France, I
didn’t force you!”
“I wanted to come to France because thanks to you we were no longer able to stay in
Switzerland full time. I wanted our family to be together, not thousands of miles apart. I had no choice but to come to France.
“But, Bill, it’s your apathy that I cannot stand. I’ve never seen you pursue anything with such rigour and determination as you pursued me in the early days. Since we’ve been married, all that drive and determination has dissolved away! You don’t look after yourself. You’ve gained weight. You don’t want to take part in family activities. You lock yourself in your office. You say you are chasing ‘big deals’ but what deals? When has any single one of them ever succeeded? You ignore your youngest daughter! You have two daughters you know.”
“I do not ignore Alice!”
“Yes you do! You don’t even know you’re doing it! It’s not just me who has noticed
it, my parents have noticed it too, they spoke to me about it when they were here,and again at Christmas.”
“That’s rubbish!” He said. “Listen, all you ever do is criticise me recently. You say
I’m apathetic, but to be honest it’s difficult to remain motivated when all you do is hound me. I need your support; I need you to believe in me! You say you want our relationship to work, yet how can it when we sleep in different rooms? We’re not having a normal relationship. If we were having a normal relationship, I would be happy and motivated.
As it is, you clearly don’t like to be around me, so I keep out of the way. But know this,Sarah: I love you and I adore my girls. You are my world and I will do everything I can to give you the life you want. You just have to really want it, and you have to get back to believing in me.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As soon as I heard the phrase ‘passive aggression’ it struck an instant cord with me. I knew I’d been on the receiving end of it, even if I didn’t realise it at the time.
Of course, it’s easy for me to recognise and acknowledge this with the benefit of hindsight, but for those of you who are still dealing with the person who is being passively aggressive; it can be difficult to spot the signs.
Start here: If you’ve ever had a conversation like the one described above, if these conversations happen regularly, and you are left feeling guilty and apologetic in the aftermath, then you are involved with a passive aggressive partner.
You can tell yourself as many times as you like, that you’re ‘not being abused’ but you ARE! Abuse doesn’t have to be physical to be real. This form of abuse may be subtle, but it’s no less damaging. You feel angry and frustrated. You feel you are the one who is always ‘losing your cool’, when he appears to remain calm and even a little perplexed by your behaviour.
You are being manipulated!
Passive Aggressive abuse is defined as follows:
A passive aggressive male always needs an object upon which to focus his antagonism. This is more often that not going to be his partner or spouse, but it can also be his child, co-worker or sub-ordinates. He will appear to be outwardly loving, caring, and generous, whilst simultaneously exercising an uncanny ability to undermine your confidence, deliver veiled insults (disguised as jokes), and leave you believing YOU are the one who can’t contain your anger.
It’s an impossible situation to find yourself in, and nothing you can do is going to change his behaviour. The best thing you can do, as I’ve said many times before, is to try to arm yourself with as much knowledge about this type of behaviour as possible. Acknowledging it, learning about it, and (most importantly) accepting it, will ultimately set you free.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll need persuading that what you are experiencing is real (and tangible) abuse. Please be assured though. Just because you have experienced abuse of this kind, it does not make you a weak person. It can happen to anybody, and indeed it happens to people from all walks of life, and at all social and educational levels.
You are not the one with the problem! Keep reminding yourself of this, because when you are deeply entwined with a person like this, they will try every trick in the book to make you believe you are at fault for all that is happening.
If, however, you are able to understand it and accept it, then you are a truly strong person. As soon as you have recognised the abuse, you have turned a corner, and are no longer a victim.
Keep reading, keep sharing, keep learning……
"“We’ve been married three years today,” I said
“Yes, I know.”
“It’s been a hell of a three years, hasn’t it?”
“It sure has.” He wasn’t smiling. He looked almost bored.
“Ask me if I’m happy.”
“What?” He rolled his eyes to the ceiling in a ‘oh here we go again’ expression of
exasperation.
“Ask me if I’m happy Bill. Do you think I’m happy? Do I look happy to you?”
“I’m trying my hardest to make you happy, but it seems at the moment nothing is
good enough”
“Nothing’s good enough? How can you say that after I’ve put up with so much in
such a short space of time?”
“I know it’s been hard, but none of it is my fault. You wanted to come to France, I
didn’t force you!”
“I wanted to come to France because thanks to you we were no longer able to stay in
Switzerland full time. I wanted our family to be together, not thousands of miles apart. I had no choice but to come to France.
“But, Bill, it’s your apathy that I cannot stand. I’ve never seen you pursue anything with such rigour and determination as you pursued me in the early days. Since we’ve been married, all that drive and determination has dissolved away! You don’t look after yourself. You’ve gained weight. You don’t want to take part in family activities. You lock yourself in your office. You say you are chasing ‘big deals’ but what deals? When has any single one of them ever succeeded? You ignore your youngest daughter! You have two daughters you know.”
“I do not ignore Alice!”
“Yes you do! You don’t even know you’re doing it! It’s not just me who has noticed
it, my parents have noticed it too, they spoke to me about it when they were here,and again at Christmas.”
“That’s rubbish!” He said. “Listen, all you ever do is criticise me recently. You say
I’m apathetic, but to be honest it’s difficult to remain motivated when all you do is hound me. I need your support; I need you to believe in me! You say you want our relationship to work, yet how can it when we sleep in different rooms? We’re not having a normal relationship. If we were having a normal relationship, I would be happy and motivated.
As it is, you clearly don’t like to be around me, so I keep out of the way. But know this,Sarah: I love you and I adore my girls. You are my world and I will do everything I can to give you the life you want. You just have to really want it, and you have to get back to believing in me.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As soon as I heard the phrase ‘passive aggression’ it struck an instant cord with me. I knew I’d been on the receiving end of it, even if I didn’t realise it at the time.
Of course, it’s easy for me to recognise and acknowledge this with the benefit of hindsight, but for those of you who are still dealing with the person who is being passively aggressive; it can be difficult to spot the signs.
Start here: If you’ve ever had a conversation like the one described above, if these conversations happen regularly, and you are left feeling guilty and apologetic in the aftermath, then you are involved with a passive aggressive partner.
You can tell yourself as many times as you like, that you’re ‘not being abused’ but you ARE! Abuse doesn’t have to be physical to be real. This form of abuse may be subtle, but it’s no less damaging. You feel angry and frustrated. You feel you are the one who is always ‘losing your cool’, when he appears to remain calm and even a little perplexed by your behaviour.
You are being manipulated!
Passive Aggressive abuse is defined as follows:
Passive Aggressive behaviour is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse."
A passive aggressive male always needs an object upon which to focus his antagonism. This is more often that not going to be his partner or spouse, but it can also be his child, co-worker or sub-ordinates. He will appear to be outwardly loving, caring, and generous, whilst simultaneously exercising an uncanny ability to undermine your confidence, deliver veiled insults (disguised as jokes), and leave you believing YOU are the one who can’t contain your anger.
It’s an impossible situation to find yourself in, and nothing you can do is going to change his behaviour. The best thing you can do, as I’ve said many times before, is to try to arm yourself with as much knowledge about this type of behaviour as possible. Acknowledging it, learning about it, and (most importantly) accepting it, will ultimately set you free.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll need persuading that what you are experiencing is real (and tangible) abuse. Please be assured though. Just because you have experienced abuse of this kind, it does not make you a weak person. It can happen to anybody, and indeed it happens to people from all walks of life, and at all social and educational levels.
You are not the one with the problem! Keep reminding yourself of this, because when you are deeply entwined with a person like this, they will try every trick in the book to make you believe you are at fault for all that is happening.
If, however, you are able to understand it and accept it, then you are a truly strong person. As soon as you have recognised the abuse, you have turned a corner, and are no longer a victim.
Keep reading, keep sharing, keep learning……
"The man with this type of pattern shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of others. He obstructs and blocks progress to others getting what they want and then ignores or minimalizes their dissatisfactions and anger. He is silent when confronted as he has never learned to compromise. He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved hobbies."
"The man with passive aggressive actions is a master in getting his partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He encourages her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. When backed into a corner, he may explode and switch to aggressive aggressive behavior then switch back to passivity. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change. He may appease her and clean up his act after a blow up for several weeks, then it's back to business as usual."
"The passive aggressive man is the classic underachiever with a fear of competition in the work place. He cannot take constructive feedback from others. His fear of criticism, not following through and his inability to see his part in any conflict keeps him from advancing on the job."From the fantastic Blog Mailman Delivers....a story of betrayal
"It makes you the bad guy. Passive-aggressive hostility is so subtle, the skilled practitioner is often in a good position to deny it’s even there – blaming you for the inevitable confrontation that results. You blow up; he remains calm. Suddenly you seem like the aggressor. Maybe even to yourself. The incredible final straw, is when you apologize to him. Because your inner voice is telling you that he’s not being open with you, you experience conflict and stress."Passive Aggression
"Recognize that a passive aggressive person is not a victim. Interacting with a passive aggressive person is like a dance. He plays the victim, and it is your role to bend over backward to “protect” him from being victimized. This dynamic puts the passive aggressive person in control. He is anything but a “victim.”"Passive Aggressive Behaviour
"Rather than have a confrontation, the passive aggressive person acts sneakily.They lie and deceive. They give their word but do not keep it. They mumble rather than speak clearly."Passive Aggressive
"Yet, the result is the same. Things are sabotaged by the passive-aggressive and it somehow is never their fault. A really good passive aggressive is very slippery with excuses, justifications, or alternative reasons for why things go awry. Passive-Aggression may not be expressed directly in behavior-but in words or humor. Sarcasm which communicates hostility is often a tool of the passive-aggressive person, as are jokes made at your expense"How to deal with difficult people
Friday, September 3, 2010
Healing through learning….knowledge is power
I have been pretty overwhelmed by the response I’ve had these last couple of weeks to my post about the stages you go through in a relationship with a 'Cluster B' personality disorder. I wrote that post from my own (very personal) experience, and have been so amazed and encouraged to learn that so many others can relate to it, and indeed identify the various stages within their own toxic relationships.
It’s always good to know you’re not alone. I spent far too long believing I was the only person going through this, and not even realising I was dealing with a disordered individual. Certainly, when I first sought professional help and was told I’d most likely been married to a PD, I found it difficult to get my head around. I had been conditioned to believe I was the one with the problem, and it took a while before I was able to really believe that wasn't the case.
Sure, I knew towards the end that the person I was with was pathological, but it took me many months (and detachment from the relationship) to finally comprehend just what it was I’d been up against.
My therapist was amazing. She was the one who finally convinced me that it wasn’t me who had the problem. She helped me back onto my feet again, and helped me to re-discover the confident and vibrant person I had been prior to the toxic relationship. I will always be grateful to her for her unparalleled support and encouragement. She pointed me in the right direction, and waved me off down the road to recovery.
Since then, it has been a journey of discovery and information gathering. The more I’ve learned, the more I’ve healed. When I began writing the book I had a fair bit of information about NPD, but was not aware of the co-morbid disorders, nor how seriously affected my ex partner had actually been.
But we can’t learn (and therefore heal) without help and support from our family,friends and peers. The internet is an amazing place in this respect. If we reach out, and use the right words, we can access information and support from all over the globe.
I would like to extend a very special thanks to top UK Forensic Pathologist Dr David Holmes.
I first wrote to David in early 2010 to ask him to read my book and give his professional opinion. I was amazed by the comments he wrote, and am truly grateful to have received professional endorsement of my book. You can find out more about David’s academic work in the field of abnormal psychology by reading his latest book, which includes a Chapter outlining Personality Disorders and the three 'Cluster' groups.
I would also like to recommend other resources which I have found to be invaluable along my ‘learning and healing’ journey. I hope they will also be of use to readers of my book and blog. Please feel free to contact me to add more to this resource list:
Lisa E Scott.
Lisa wrote a book called ‘It’s all about HIM’ which was released in 2009. Her book and website were amongst the first I came across when researching NPD and its related disorders. She helps her readers identify the traits of NPD and provides encouragement to those trying to escape the relationship. She also has a great site with a very supportive community for victims of toxic relationships, particularly NPD.
Forum:Out of the Fog
I was drawn to this wonderful forum after posting my Cluster B blog. It has a wonderful community and an abundance of information for those who have been involved with PD’s. If you are in such a relationship, be it with a family member, parent, child, spouse, or work colleague, you can get support on this forum.
Daily Strength
A huge on line community with support groups on just about every subject.
Joe Navarro
I recently found Joe on Twitter, and he has been kind enough to take the time to read my recent posts and recommend them to his followers. I’m only just beginning to discover Joe’s work, but I certainly wish I’d read this much sooner. Fascinating stuff.
Another unmissable book, is 'The Sociopath Next Door', in which Martha Stout debunks the traditional ‘Ted Bundy’ perception of a sociopath, and explains in shocking clarity the traits of the ‘every day’ APD.
Similarly,Without Conscience by Robert D Hare explains, in layman’s terms, the characteristics of a psychopath. If you suspect you are involved with one, this is another must read.
Next, there are the blogs of ordinary people, who have survived the extraordinary, and have gone on to share with the world. I'll add to these as I go along. If you know of a good support blog, please let me know.
Surviving Narcissism
The Story of my Life
Lovefraud
and finally.....
Web of Lies on FB
The new Sarah Tate Message Board
It’s always good to know you’re not alone. I spent far too long believing I was the only person going through this, and not even realising I was dealing with a disordered individual. Certainly, when I first sought professional help and was told I’d most likely been married to a PD, I found it difficult to get my head around. I had been conditioned to believe I was the one with the problem, and it took a while before I was able to really believe that wasn't the case.
Sure, I knew towards the end that the person I was with was pathological, but it took me many months (and detachment from the relationship) to finally comprehend just what it was I’d been up against.
My therapist was amazing. She was the one who finally convinced me that it wasn’t me who had the problem. She helped me back onto my feet again, and helped me to re-discover the confident and vibrant person I had been prior to the toxic relationship. I will always be grateful to her for her unparalleled support and encouragement. She pointed me in the right direction, and waved me off down the road to recovery.
Since then, it has been a journey of discovery and information gathering. The more I’ve learned, the more I’ve healed. When I began writing the book I had a fair bit of information about NPD, but was not aware of the co-morbid disorders, nor how seriously affected my ex partner had actually been.
But we can’t learn (and therefore heal) without help and support from our family,friends and peers. The internet is an amazing place in this respect. If we reach out, and use the right words, we can access information and support from all over the globe.
I would like to extend a very special thanks to top UK Forensic Pathologist Dr David Holmes.
I first wrote to David in early 2010 to ask him to read my book and give his professional opinion. I was amazed by the comments he wrote, and am truly grateful to have received professional endorsement of my book. You can find out more about David’s academic work in the field of abnormal psychology by reading his latest book, which includes a Chapter outlining Personality Disorders and the three 'Cluster' groups.
I would also like to recommend other resources which I have found to be invaluable along my ‘learning and healing’ journey. I hope they will also be of use to readers of my book and blog. Please feel free to contact me to add more to this resource list:
Lisa E Scott.
Lisa wrote a book called ‘It’s all about HIM’ which was released in 2009. Her book and website were amongst the first I came across when researching NPD and its related disorders. She helps her readers identify the traits of NPD and provides encouragement to those trying to escape the relationship. She also has a great site with a very supportive community for victims of toxic relationships, particularly NPD.
Forum:Out of the Fog
I was drawn to this wonderful forum after posting my Cluster B blog. It has a wonderful community and an abundance of information for those who have been involved with PD’s. If you are in such a relationship, be it with a family member, parent, child, spouse, or work colleague, you can get support on this forum.
Daily Strength
A huge on line community with support groups on just about every subject.
Joe Navarro
I recently found Joe on Twitter, and he has been kind enough to take the time to read my recent posts and recommend them to his followers. I’m only just beginning to discover Joe’s work, but I certainly wish I’d read this much sooner. Fascinating stuff.
Another unmissable book, is 'The Sociopath Next Door', in which Martha Stout debunks the traditional ‘Ted Bundy’ perception of a sociopath, and explains in shocking clarity the traits of the ‘every day’ APD.
Similarly,Without Conscience by Robert D Hare explains, in layman’s terms, the characteristics of a psychopath. If you suspect you are involved with one, this is another must read.
Next, there are the blogs of ordinary people, who have survived the extraordinary, and have gone on to share with the world. I'll add to these as I go along. If you know of a good support blog, please let me know.
Surviving Narcissism
The Story of my Life
Lovefraud
and finally.....
Web of Lies on FB
The new Sarah Tate Message Board
Friday, August 27, 2010
Recovery
Recovery is, by definition:
the act or process of recovering
restoration to a normal condition
the regaining of something lost
No time-scale can be given for the recovery period following years of maltreatment in a dysfunctional relationship, just as no time-scale can be given for the five stages you go through whilst actually in the relationship.
It varies so widely from case to case, and is also greatly dependant upon outside factors such as financial circumstances, if there are children to consider, or whether or not you have a reliable support network to support and facilitate your release and recovery.
It also depends very much on where your head is during the ‘release’ phase, and how well you are able to deal with the enormous amounts of stress you will undoubtedly be placed under. This is especially the case where children are involved.
One thing is certain, you will not come out of it completely unscathed, and a ‘restoration to a normal condition’ can be a long shot at best, impossible at worst.
So don’t expect ‘normality’ to return. Nothing will be as it was before. This is just another inevitability which you need to accept.
Another thing which is certain; you cannot enter the recovery phase until you’ve been all the way through the release phase. Recovery can be greatly delayed if you still have to deal with your pathological ex on a regular basis. It can still be achieved, but it will inevitably take longer, as you feel yourself pulled and pushed between the past, the present, and your hopes for the future.
Even if your ex is still in your life, it doesn’t mean release cannot be achieved. But it can only be achieved, when you are no longer an available supply to your pathological ex. Cut off the supply, and release will come quickly.
My advice is not to put too much pressure on yourself. Take it a day at a time, and don’t scare yourself by trying to predict what might happen. I made the mistake of expecting far too much of myself, far too soon. This inevitably led to me fuelling my own frustrations, and hence hampered my recovery.
Take small (yet steadfast) steps. Stay determined, and resolved. Don't let him/her sidetrack you. Once you're on the road....stay on it!
Over time, you’ll find your steps become strides, then leaps, then bounds.
First, though, there will be a dark, dark period to endure. It will be a period where you don’t recognise yourself or your behaviour. You may become severely depressed and anxious, you may become hypersensitive and restless, and you may well begin to drink, or turn to prescription drugs to find release. You may even begin doing things you had never previously contemplated (such as binging, raging, self-harming, or even shop lifting). These are all symptoms of the severe stress you are under. If you are exhibiting any of these symptoms, you must get help, before you head into full-blown breakdown mode. You are not going crazy, nor are you developing a PD of your own. You are cracking under the strain. But it is not irreversible! Escaping with your sanity in tact is not easy…but it can be done.
The duration of the ‘dark’ period is entirely down to you, and nobody else (not even your pathological ex). You must take responsibility for your own well being at this point. Don’t project onto him/her or you’ll end up co-dependent, and most probably back in the despair stage. As I’ve said before, you’ll need help during this time, but ultimately, it is YOU alone who must lift yourself out of the abyss.
You have to be kind to yourself, and you have to learn to accept what has happened. Without acceptance, there can be no understanding, and without understanding, there can be no recovery. Of that, I’m sure.
Don’t deny what has happened. Face it full on. In order to overcome it, you have to stare it in the face. I honestly don’t believe there is any other way.
Recovery is the regaining of something which you lost, or was taken from you. After years with a pathological partner, you may feel you’ve had your soul ripped out. You may feel as though you’ve lost your sanity, and you’ll most definitely feel that you’ve been robbed of precious years, perhaps even of your best years.
This will make you feel anger, and quite rightly so! Just be careful not to turn the anger inwards. It’s too easy to turn it in on yourself. You have to channel the anger, because this will give you the energy you need to get completely through the ‘release’ phase and into recovery.
Once in recovery, you need to keep a check on the anger. You don’t want to turn into a bitter and twisted person.
It’s OK to have moments of rage. It’s inevitable, so there’s no point fighting it. I think the best way to deal with it is to let it out. Vent. Scream. Punch your pillow. Don’t bottle it up. You are allowed to feel this way. You are allowed to indulge in the odd bout of self pity. You won’t be able to prevent it, so don’t reproach yourself for it. Just don’t let it become a permanent state of affairs. Remind yourself how far you’ve come, and how much stronger you are now than a few months ago. Accept that this is all part of the recovery process, and keep focussed on moving forwards with your life.
Recovery isn’t a phase. Recovery is the rest of your life. It can’t be rushed. You just need to keep telling yourself it will get easier, and it will. Slowly.
You need to learn to let go of the pain, and move on.
"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain."
Kahlil Gibran
the act or process of recovering
restoration to a normal condition
the regaining of something lost
No time-scale can be given for the recovery period following years of maltreatment in a dysfunctional relationship, just as no time-scale can be given for the five stages you go through whilst actually in the relationship.
It varies so widely from case to case, and is also greatly dependant upon outside factors such as financial circumstances, if there are children to consider, or whether or not you have a reliable support network to support and facilitate your release and recovery.
It also depends very much on where your head is during the ‘release’ phase, and how well you are able to deal with the enormous amounts of stress you will undoubtedly be placed under. This is especially the case where children are involved.
One thing is certain, you will not come out of it completely unscathed, and a ‘restoration to a normal condition’ can be a long shot at best, impossible at worst.
So don’t expect ‘normality’ to return. Nothing will be as it was before. This is just another inevitability which you need to accept.
Another thing which is certain; you cannot enter the recovery phase until you’ve been all the way through the release phase. Recovery can be greatly delayed if you still have to deal with your pathological ex on a regular basis. It can still be achieved, but it will inevitably take longer, as you feel yourself pulled and pushed between the past, the present, and your hopes for the future.
Even if your ex is still in your life, it doesn’t mean release cannot be achieved. But it can only be achieved, when you are no longer an available supply to your pathological ex. Cut off the supply, and release will come quickly.
My advice is not to put too much pressure on yourself. Take it a day at a time, and don’t scare yourself by trying to predict what might happen. I made the mistake of expecting far too much of myself, far too soon. This inevitably led to me fuelling my own frustrations, and hence hampered my recovery.
Take small (yet steadfast) steps. Stay determined, and resolved. Don't let him/her sidetrack you. Once you're on the road....stay on it!
Over time, you’ll find your steps become strides, then leaps, then bounds.
First, though, there will be a dark, dark period to endure. It will be a period where you don’t recognise yourself or your behaviour. You may become severely depressed and anxious, you may become hypersensitive and restless, and you may well begin to drink, or turn to prescription drugs to find release. You may even begin doing things you had never previously contemplated (such as binging, raging, self-harming, or even shop lifting). These are all symptoms of the severe stress you are under. If you are exhibiting any of these symptoms, you must get help, before you head into full-blown breakdown mode. You are not going crazy, nor are you developing a PD of your own. You are cracking under the strain. But it is not irreversible! Escaping with your sanity in tact is not easy…but it can be done.
The duration of the ‘dark’ period is entirely down to you, and nobody else (not even your pathological ex). You must take responsibility for your own well being at this point. Don’t project onto him/her or you’ll end up co-dependent, and most probably back in the despair stage. As I’ve said before, you’ll need help during this time, but ultimately, it is YOU alone who must lift yourself out of the abyss.
You have to be kind to yourself, and you have to learn to accept what has happened. Without acceptance, there can be no understanding, and without understanding, there can be no recovery. Of that, I’m sure.
Don’t deny what has happened. Face it full on. In order to overcome it, you have to stare it in the face. I honestly don’t believe there is any other way.
Recovery is the regaining of something which you lost, or was taken from you. After years with a pathological partner, you may feel you’ve had your soul ripped out. You may feel as though you’ve lost your sanity, and you’ll most definitely feel that you’ve been robbed of precious years, perhaps even of your best years.
This will make you feel anger, and quite rightly so! Just be careful not to turn the anger inwards. It’s too easy to turn it in on yourself. You have to channel the anger, because this will give you the energy you need to get completely through the ‘release’ phase and into recovery.
Once in recovery, you need to keep a check on the anger. You don’t want to turn into a bitter and twisted person.
It’s OK to have moments of rage. It’s inevitable, so there’s no point fighting it. I think the best way to deal with it is to let it out. Vent. Scream. Punch your pillow. Don’t bottle it up. You are allowed to feel this way. You are allowed to indulge in the odd bout of self pity. You won’t be able to prevent it, so don’t reproach yourself for it. Just don’t let it become a permanent state of affairs. Remind yourself how far you’ve come, and how much stronger you are now than a few months ago. Accept that this is all part of the recovery process, and keep focussed on moving forwards with your life.
Recovery isn’t a phase. Recovery is the rest of your life. It can’t be rushed. You just need to keep telling yourself it will get easier, and it will. Slowly.
You need to learn to let go of the pain, and move on.
"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain."
Kahlil Gibran
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