Tuesday, September 27, 2011

What's with all this 'ask the Universe' stuff?

I think I’m being a bit too negative of late, maybe just in general.

Somebody told me years ago that if I were to 'ask the Universe' for what I wanted, then the Universe would deliver.

Well, it certainly didn’t deliver anything into my bank balance, in fact, the opposite happened. Did I ask in the wrong way?

I did ask for some peace, and I’ll have to say that shortly thereafter a very destructive force was removed (or removed itself) from my life. That was a blessing, for sure. Clearly I asked in the right way on that occasion.

Since then, it seems all my requests have fallen upon deaf ears. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I’m hoping for some security, prosperity, good health for my family and the families of loved ones, and hope for the future.

It seems recently there have been a series of blows……and I’m fast losing faith in the ‘ask the Universe’ stuff.

Any experts out there who are inclined to tell me where I’m going wrong, and help myself and my readers find the ‘right’ way to ask? Because for me, it's just not working.......

Feel free to post me an article and I’ll re-post here.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Revisited....the Devil is in the detail.....

I’m currently reading Dark Souls by Sarah Strudwick, and I’m struck by the blatant and brazen behaviour of her psychopathic ex, as described in the book. There were definite and tangible ‘red flag’ moments for her which she chose, at that time, to ignore for a range of personal reasons (mainly due to her past history of abuse and low self-esteem at the time she was in the relationship).

It struck me how very different our two exes were, yet at the same time so very similar in their thought processes and behaviour patterns. One is ‘in your face’ the other a ‘slow burner’ but both are equally as dangerous.

In my own relationship, there were also a great many red flags, but they were subtle enough for me to overlook at first. It wasn’t until time had passed and they built up that they became more obvious. There were lies and inconsistencies in the stories told to me, particularly relating to his past, but nothing that was so sensational, that it became instantly unbelievable. It was gradual.

There was nothing brash, brazen, or remotely violent about my experience. There was no anger, rarely a raised voice (from him) and at no point did I feel threatened by, or scared of, him.

At the time I knew nothing about passive aggressive behaviour and I’d never heard of gaslighting, so I inevitably believed that many of the problems were my own, and for the most part blamed myself for the persistent misery in which we lived.

When I look back now, I see my marriage to a psychopath like being in a psychological slow cooker. The ingredients for disaster were all there right from the very beginning, but it took time for the heat to really build up and the ensuing chaos to erupt. Even when it did, he remained calm, distant, cold and unassuming. A psychopath doesn’t need to be wielding his fists or a weapon to be dangerous. I feel that is a common misconception.

I knew I was on the ‘burner’ from very early on though. I could feel the heat building in the form of my own disquiet, and his growing distance and ultimate disdain. But the ‘light bulb moment’ only occurred at the very end when the whole world was crumbling around my ears.

The first ‘moment’ (as I describe in Web of Lies) came when he took money set aside to feed the children and booked a five star hotel to entertain his new girlfriend in. When I confronted him about this, he told me he felt entitled to a ‘break’ in a lap of five star luxury, despite the fact he knew we had no money to feed our kids. Upon realizing what he’d done, it occurred to me for the first time that the man had serious psychological issues. I knew no normal parent could do that to their own children, so it had to be that he wasn’t ‘normal’. This was the first time I considered he might be mentally unstable.

The second ‘moment’ came after the split when he seriously suggested we divide the children between us as though they were ornaments or assets of some sort. In that moment, when he made the suggestion, I looked into his eyes and saw there was nothing behind them. There was no ‘light’ there. And that’s when I knew I was dealing with a person without feeling or conscience. A person who could not love, or be loved.

After that, things started to finally fall into place, as I began to arm myself with knowledge and get therapy for the damage created by years on the ‘slow burner’.

As Dr David Holmes recently said to me about my books ;

“It’s so important to realise that these people do not visit the doctors and be diagnosed. They have to be identified and exposed by those close to them, which is hard, and anything that makes it easier will limit the damage done”

This is exactly why sites such as Waking You Up are needed to help men and women in relationships with these people to spot the red flags, and enable them to have their ‘light bulb moments’ before it’s too late. These men and women do not walk around with ‘I am a psychopath’ written across their foreheads. Only by learning how to spot the signs, and sharing our experiences, can we raise awareness of this problem in our society.

In some cases, these ‘light bulb moment’s come when we recognize our own frailties and weak points, and realize that we have become a magnet for a certain type of personality. Only by recognizing this in ourselves can we make the changes required to ensure we never allow another one of these people into our lives.

In other cases (like mine) the devil is literally hidden in the detail, and it can take time on the slow burner before we finally acknowledge and accept what we’re dealing with. As I said, the psychopath does not need to necessarily be a physical threat to pose a formidable danger to our well-being . The slow burners are equally as dangerous.

Wake up.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Letting go......

.....is sometimes the hardest thing to do. I think this point has been driven home to me this week. I've been trying for a 'mere' three years to let go of my toxic relationship. Others have been struggling for a far greater length of time.

It's amazing, no, astonishing....the depth of destruction that a toxic relationship can leave it it's wake.

You think you're suffering, then you hear from somebody else who has suffered longer, and harder, than you have yourself.

The trail of destruction left by a psychopath is immeasurable. The hurt, anguish, psychological harm, is actually phenomenal.

What can we do to protect ourselves?

I wish I knew. I just hope that my experience can help the ones who are going through the same hell now. Or maybe it can help the ones who have been through the same, or even worse, and need a helping hand with achieving the elusive 'closure' we all seek.

Maybe, if we work together, we can find a way to overcome the harm, the damage they have caused.

Closure will come when we truly know it wasn't anything WE did, which caused this to happen.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

A tribute.........

It’s time to begin again….

On June 25th, 2011, my world changed forever. Not only my world, but also the worlds of my children, my mother, my brother and his family, and my sister, and her family too.
Death, when it comes suddenly and without warning, will take our collective breath away, and leave us bereft and distraught.
Everything stopped for me. I went into ‘auto-pilot’ mode, and have been that way ever since. I function, but I do not live. I exist, but there is no joy. This is a non-sustainable state of affairs. My dad would not want me to be so unhappy. I need to think about his life, what he achieved, and the example he set to me…….

So, Dad, this is what you taught me……..

None of us is perfect, not even you. We all stand up for our mistakes and move on from them as best we can.
Truth is imperative in this life. We do not lie, and we do not cheat.
Money is important, but self-belief and education are more so. Success is measured not in financial wealth, but in emotional as well as financial stability.
Don’t suffer fools gladly……not ever. If your gut says they’re fakes…….they’re fakes.
Stand up for your family. They are all that matters. Be there for them, no matter what.
Be proud of your kids. They may make mistakes, but as a parent, it’s your duty to love and respect their decisions…..even when you know they’re wrong.
Honour your partner. Stand by her/him through thick and thin (unless you’re married to a nutter)
Love your family: Your kids, and grand kids, are the product of you. Love them to the ends of the earth.
Be true to yourself: Pursue the things that matter to you, and live a fulfilled life.
Do what you can for others: Help those who need you. Support where you can. Get involved in your community. Be a pillar for others.

Dad, you did all this, and much, much more. You were not a perfect man (nobody is) but by golly you came close. What a Dad, what a Granddad. I rue the day I ever complained about your minimal faults. What I wouldn’t give to have one more day with you. To remind you how much you meant to us all. To thank you for all the support you gave us all. And to tell you, that you were one of the best Dad's ever.....

You will always be our hero. But it's time for us to look forwards now. You'll always be with us, but we have to move on. Suspended animation is not sustainable.

I'm going to try. We're going to try. To move on. xxxx

But we still love you Dad xxxx