Recovery is, by definition:
the act or process of recovering
restoration to a normal condition
the regaining of something lost
No time-scale can be given for the recovery period following years of maltreatment in a dysfunctional relationship, just as no time-scale can be given for the five stages you go through whilst actually in the relationship.
It varies so widely from case to case, and is also greatly dependant upon outside factors such as financial circumstances, if there are children to consider, or whether or not you have a reliable support network to support and facilitate your release and recovery.
It also depends very much on where your head is during the ‘release’ phase, and how well you are able to deal with the enormous amounts of stress you will undoubtedly be placed under. This is especially the case where children are involved.
One thing is certain, you will not come out of it completely unscathed, and a ‘restoration to a normal condition’ can be a long shot at best, impossible at worst.
So don’t expect ‘normality’ to return. Nothing will be as it was before. This is just another inevitability which you need to accept.
Another thing which is certain; you cannot enter the recovery phase until you’ve been all the way through the release phase. Recovery can be greatly delayed if you still have to deal with your pathological ex on a regular basis. It can still be achieved, but it will inevitably take longer, as you feel yourself pulled and pushed between the past, the present, and your hopes for the future.
Even if your ex is still in your life, it doesn’t mean release cannot be achieved. But it can only be achieved, when you are no longer an available supply to your pathological ex. Cut off the supply, and release will come quickly.
My advice is not to put too much pressure on yourself. Take it a day at a time, and don’t scare yourself by trying to predict what might happen. I made the mistake of expecting far too much of myself, far too soon. This inevitably led to me fuelling my own frustrations, and hence hampered my recovery.
Take small (yet steadfast) steps. Stay determined, and resolved. Don't let him/her sidetrack you. Once you're on the road....stay on it!
Over time, you’ll find your steps become strides, then leaps, then bounds.
First, though, there will be a dark, dark period to endure. It will be a period where you don’t recognise yourself or your behaviour. You may become severely depressed and anxious, you may become hypersensitive and restless, and you may well begin to drink, or turn to prescription drugs to find release. You may even begin doing things you had never previously contemplated (such as binging, raging, self-harming, or even shop lifting). These are all symptoms of the severe stress you are under. If you are exhibiting any of these symptoms, you must get help, before you head into full-blown breakdown mode. You are not going crazy, nor are you developing a PD of your own. You are cracking under the strain. But it is not irreversible! Escaping with your sanity in tact is not easy…but it can be done.
The duration of the ‘dark’ period is entirely down to you, and nobody else (not even your pathological ex). You must take responsibility for your own well being at this point. Don’t project onto him/her or you’ll end up co-dependent, and most probably back in the despair stage. As I’ve said before, you’ll need help during this time, but ultimately, it is YOU alone who must lift yourself out of the abyss.
You have to be kind to yourself, and you have to learn to accept what has happened. Without acceptance, there can be no understanding, and without understanding, there can be no recovery. Of that, I’m sure.
Don’t deny what has happened. Face it full on. In order to overcome it, you have to stare it in the face. I honestly don’t believe there is any other way.
Recovery is the regaining of something which you lost, or was taken from you. After years with a pathological partner, you may feel you’ve had your soul ripped out. You may feel as though you’ve lost your sanity, and you’ll most definitely feel that you’ve been robbed of precious years, perhaps even of your best years.
This will make you feel anger, and quite rightly so! Just be careful not to turn the anger inwards. It’s too easy to turn it in on yourself. You have to channel the anger, because this will give you the energy you need to get completely through the ‘release’ phase and into recovery.
Once in recovery, you need to keep a check on the anger. You don’t want to turn into a bitter and twisted person.
It’s OK to have moments of rage. It’s inevitable, so there’s no point fighting it. I think the best way to deal with it is to let it out. Vent. Scream. Punch your pillow. Don’t bottle it up. You are allowed to feel this way. You are allowed to indulge in the odd bout of self pity. You won’t be able to prevent it, so don’t reproach yourself for it. Just don’t let it become a permanent state of affairs. Remind yourself how far you’ve come, and how much stronger you are now than a few months ago. Accept that this is all part of the recovery process, and keep focussed on moving forwards with your life.
Recovery isn’t a phase. Recovery is the rest of your life. It can’t be rushed. You just need to keep telling yourself it will get easier, and it will. Slowly.
You need to learn to let go of the pain, and move on.
"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain."
Kahlil Gibran
Friday, August 27, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
The impact of Cluster B: An ‘idiot’s’ guide…..
Forget text books, forget the psychology self-help sites. Here’s an amateurs guide to spotting the signs that you’re with a Cluster B personality disordered person, and how it's going to make you feel. From somebody who has been there.
It doesn’t matter which disorder it is. Each disorder of the Cluster B variety displays similar or identical symptoms, and invariably, where one of the Cluster B’s exist, so does at least one other co-morbid (that’s overlapping, to you and me) disorder.
Just for reference, here’s the list of the Cluster B’s
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath)
Borderline Personality Disorder
It should be noted at this point that sufferers of BPD differ greatly from the others in the group, as they tend to turn the abuse on themselves, and not others (many thanks to the poster below for pointing this out to me!)
Don’t try to over analyse which one of the other three your partner has. The chances are, if he/she exhibits the traits of one, then he/she will have at least some elements of others. At the end of the day, the impact on you is going to be the same for each of these disorders, and it’s the impact on YOU, the partner, that I wish to focus on.
You’re going to go through five distinct phases. During the initial phases, you’re not going to realise what’s happening to you, as you’re going to believe wholeheartedly that this person is the answer to all your prayers, and he or she can absolutely do no wrong. What’s important here is to be able to recognise the initial stages (with the benefit of hindsight) because when you reach stage four, you must make a decision, and for that you need understand what you’re up against.
You can save yourself a lot of distress (and possibly even long lasting, or even permanent damage) if you are able to look back and acknowledge what has been happening to you, and YOUR PART IN IT ALL. We all have a role to play in a relationship. It’s never, ever a one way street. You don’t suddenly just lose all your personality traits when you meet a Cluster B, and it’s important to acknowledge this early on if you’re going to gather strength and move on. There are certain aspects of your character which your Cluster B will exploit. You have to recognise this before you can move away, and this can sometimes be the hardest test of all.
Cluster B’s all require their ‘supply’ or ‘source’. They use relationships in order to feed their own desires and needs. Without a supply, these people cannot function. Every person they meet must in some way feed their requirements, and satisfy their desires and aspirations (be they, emotional, sexual, financial or professional). You are no different. You are the 'supply'. You are there only to serve a purpose. You just won’t see this in the beginning.
Here’s a guide to the stages you can expect to travel through on your Cluster B roller coaster:
Stage one: Euphoria
In the beginning, you are in a prolonged state of emotional elevation. It is better than any class A drug, and I can only describe it as ‘euphoric’. This is clearly non-sustainable, but you won’t be in a position to recognise this yet.
You are head over heels in love. You have never been treated so well by another human being. It is as though you have blown this man (or woman) completely off their feet, and all they can see is you. You are adored, you are worshipped, you are understood, you are believed, you are trusted. For him/her, only you exist. It’s a giddying sensation and the chances are it will knock you right off balance. You feel completely overwhelmed by all the attention and you truly believe you have found your ‘soul mate’. When he/she tells you that they cannot live without you, it’s real. You feel exactly the same. The world will stop if you’re ever apart again.
This stage will last for one, possibly two years. Most likely the euphoria will begin to dissipate once the relationship has in some way been cemented (by marriage, kids, or some other long-term commitment).
Stage two: Disquiet
Your Cluster B partner has had a difficult life. He or she has had many a disservice done to him/her, and is probably carrying emotional scars from either failed relationships, business dealings which collapsed, or other disasters which have befallen him/her. You are the person who is there to help your Cluster B overcome these issues. You have accepted the ‘baggage’ your Cluster B brought into the relationship without question, and you feel it is your duty to help him/her overcome these problems and achieve their (amazing) potential.
Nothing bad which has ever happened to your Cluster B was his/her fault. They are always the innocent victims in any mishap. Other people resent your Cluster B because he/she is in such an enviable position. Nobody understands your Cluster B, except you. It is down to you to support your Cluster B and help keep both your lives on track.
By now, the initial euphoria is gone and you are starting to have some niggling doubts about things. It could be that certain ‘stories’ aren’t adding up, or the level of attention is starting to wane. If there are children on the scene, you may feel as though the balance of the relationship has been upset by their arrival. Whatever it is, there is something unsettling going on in the back of your mind. It stays in the back of your mind though; because that’s the only place your psyche will allow it to be, for the time being.
A gap is opening up between you, and you don’t understand why. You blame circumstances (because despite everything, your Cluster B is still having incredibly bad luck at every turn).
You lie awake at night, and confusion starts to cloud your mind.
Stage three: Denial
Your Cluster B is withdrawing, and it’s your fault. You’re putting too much pressure on him/her and you’re not ‘giving’ enough of yourself to the relationship. Your Cluster B is suffering as a result of your inability to support him/her. You are suffering, because your Cluster B is draining your energy and you feel completely impotent. You want to help but you don’t know how .
Your Cluster B is always on the verge of ‘making things better.’ He/she has so many plans, and they are always about to come to fruition. Your Cluster B just needs you to stay strong and give as much support as he/she needs. By now you are forced to admit to yourself that all may not be as it once seemed, but you remain convinced that you can get things back on track with patience and understanding for your Cluster B. Whatever is going wrong now, it’s all your fault. You may have moments where you secretly admit to yourself, that perhaps you have made a huge error of judgement about this person. You quickly put these doubts aside, however, when your Cluster B tells you that everything he/she is doing is to please and to benefit you.
Your Cluster B always convinces you of his/her selflessness, and by this stage you would rather admit that it’s you letting your Cluster B down, than acknowledge the fact that you don’t actually mean that much to him/her.
Stage four: Despair
I called this an ‘Idiot’s’ guide. You are NOT an idiot, but when you reach stage four with your Cluster B, you will most certainly feel like one.
By now, you no longer recognise your Cluster B. He/she is so far removed from the person you first met, you can barely remember how it felt back then when life was a beach.
Your Cluster B can no longer bear to be in the same room with you, and when he/she is, they hardly acknowledge your existence. You feel you are being ‘tolerated’ and you feel complete and utter isolation. You’ll feel your sanity starting to slip now, and this is why it is important that you LOOK BACK during this stage and try to analyse what has actually happened to you.
You are now at a critical crossroads, and what you decide to do during the despair stage will have far reaching implications for your future life.
Your Cluster B will NEVER end the relationship. He/she does not acknowledge that he/she wants the relationship to end. It will always be down to YOU to end it. Your Cluster B does not believe you will ever have the strength to go. He/she believes you are bound to him/her. You may now find yourself in a situation where you are being physically abused, or the abuse may be emotional (but no less damaging). At this stage you MUST acknowledge your mistake and get out.
It’s the hardest thing to admit we’ve chosen the wrong person. It’s even harder to face up to the fact that you never really knew this person, but face up to it you must. It can only go one of two ways now. You either ‘pull the escape cord’ or you condemn yourself to a life of misery.
Even during the despair stage, you may still have moments when you want to cling to your Cluster B. This is normal. You’ve been made to feel you could not possibly cope in the outside world without your Cluster B, but you can. At this stage of the journey, you MUST get outside help. Friends, family, neighbours, it doesn’t matter. Reach out.
Your Cluster B is probably already cultivating another relationship by now, but still he/she will not release you from their clutches. There will be the odd moment of attempted emotional blackmail, but you have to remain strong.
In order to escape a Cluster B, you MUST get into the driving seat. Your Cluster B will do all he/she can to put obstacles in your way, but you have to just put your head down and roll with the punches.
Even if your Cluster B is not an axe wielding maniac by now (not many turn into Jack Nicholson), don’t underestimate how dangerous he/she can be to your long term well being.
Get the hell out, as fast as you can. Go as far away as possible, and DO NOT look back.
Stage Five: Release
Assuming you’ve made the break (if you haven’t, you’ll be stuck in stage four indefinitely…or worse), you will quickly be catapulted into stage five. Once your Cluster B realises you’ve gained the strength to walk away, he/she will cut you loose…completely. You will find this both shocking and possibly even hurtful at first, but believe me, it’s by far the best thing.
Once you have rejected a Cluster B (you always reject them, they never do anything to drive you away…remember, they are always the wronged party), there is no going back. You will be dropped, and left high and dry. This is the stage when it becomes clear that you were never loved. You realise during the release stage that your Cluster B is not capable of feeling love. He/she lacks empathy and emotion. If there are children involved, it becomes painfully apparent during this stage that they too are just objects to a Cluster B. It’s a devastating realisation, and it will send you into free-fall for a while, but you MUST accept it as the truth.
The person you fell in love with never existed, it was all an illusion.
There’s no easy way to deal with the release stage. You may feel elated one minute, then terrified the next. Again, get support from wherever you can. Look back over your time together and try to pin-point and acknowledge the different phases. This will help you to come to terms with what has happened, and accept the role you played in your Cluster B’s life. Don’t turn the anger in on yourself. It was NOT your fault. Your Cluster B had this problem before you met, and he/she will continue to have this problem long after you’re gone.
Cluster B’s rarely go to get help for themselves. They cannot acknowledge that they have a problem. Psychologists treat the Cluster B’s victims, rarely the Cluster B’s themselves.
I strongly recommend that you get professional psychological support during the release stage. The only way you can let it go, is to understand it. And to do this you need expert guidance.
Draw comfort from the fact that you are not in this alone……and be proud that you managed to escape. Many don’t.
If you need help, contact me via my website.
It doesn’t matter which disorder it is. Each disorder of the Cluster B variety displays similar or identical symptoms, and invariably, where one of the Cluster B’s exist, so does at least one other co-morbid (that’s overlapping, to you and me) disorder.
Just for reference, here’s the list of the Cluster B’s
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath/psychopath)
Borderline Personality Disorder
It should be noted at this point that sufferers of BPD differ greatly from the others in the group, as they tend to turn the abuse on themselves, and not others (many thanks to the poster below for pointing this out to me!)
Don’t try to over analyse which one of the other three your partner has. The chances are, if he/she exhibits the traits of one, then he/she will have at least some elements of others. At the end of the day, the impact on you is going to be the same for each of these disorders, and it’s the impact on YOU, the partner, that I wish to focus on.
You’re going to go through five distinct phases. During the initial phases, you’re not going to realise what’s happening to you, as you’re going to believe wholeheartedly that this person is the answer to all your prayers, and he or she can absolutely do no wrong. What’s important here is to be able to recognise the initial stages (with the benefit of hindsight) because when you reach stage four, you must make a decision, and for that you need understand what you’re up against.
You can save yourself a lot of distress (and possibly even long lasting, or even permanent damage) if you are able to look back and acknowledge what has been happening to you, and YOUR PART IN IT ALL. We all have a role to play in a relationship. It’s never, ever a one way street. You don’t suddenly just lose all your personality traits when you meet a Cluster B, and it’s important to acknowledge this early on if you’re going to gather strength and move on. There are certain aspects of your character which your Cluster B will exploit. You have to recognise this before you can move away, and this can sometimes be the hardest test of all.
Cluster B’s all require their ‘supply’ or ‘source’. They use relationships in order to feed their own desires and needs. Without a supply, these people cannot function. Every person they meet must in some way feed their requirements, and satisfy their desires and aspirations (be they, emotional, sexual, financial or professional). You are no different. You are the 'supply'. You are there only to serve a purpose. You just won’t see this in the beginning.
Here’s a guide to the stages you can expect to travel through on your Cluster B roller coaster:
Stage one: Euphoria
In the beginning, you are in a prolonged state of emotional elevation. It is better than any class A drug, and I can only describe it as ‘euphoric’. This is clearly non-sustainable, but you won’t be in a position to recognise this yet.
You are head over heels in love. You have never been treated so well by another human being. It is as though you have blown this man (or woman) completely off their feet, and all they can see is you. You are adored, you are worshipped, you are understood, you are believed, you are trusted. For him/her, only you exist. It’s a giddying sensation and the chances are it will knock you right off balance. You feel completely overwhelmed by all the attention and you truly believe you have found your ‘soul mate’. When he/she tells you that they cannot live without you, it’s real. You feel exactly the same. The world will stop if you’re ever apart again.
This stage will last for one, possibly two years. Most likely the euphoria will begin to dissipate once the relationship has in some way been cemented (by marriage, kids, or some other long-term commitment).
Stage two: Disquiet
Your Cluster B partner has had a difficult life. He or she has had many a disservice done to him/her, and is probably carrying emotional scars from either failed relationships, business dealings which collapsed, or other disasters which have befallen him/her. You are the person who is there to help your Cluster B overcome these issues. You have accepted the ‘baggage’ your Cluster B brought into the relationship without question, and you feel it is your duty to help him/her overcome these problems and achieve their (amazing) potential.
Nothing bad which has ever happened to your Cluster B was his/her fault. They are always the innocent victims in any mishap. Other people resent your Cluster B because he/she is in such an enviable position. Nobody understands your Cluster B, except you. It is down to you to support your Cluster B and help keep both your lives on track.
By now, the initial euphoria is gone and you are starting to have some niggling doubts about things. It could be that certain ‘stories’ aren’t adding up, or the level of attention is starting to wane. If there are children on the scene, you may feel as though the balance of the relationship has been upset by their arrival. Whatever it is, there is something unsettling going on in the back of your mind. It stays in the back of your mind though; because that’s the only place your psyche will allow it to be, for the time being.
A gap is opening up between you, and you don’t understand why. You blame circumstances (because despite everything, your Cluster B is still having incredibly bad luck at every turn).
You lie awake at night, and confusion starts to cloud your mind.
Stage three: Denial
Your Cluster B is withdrawing, and it’s your fault. You’re putting too much pressure on him/her and you’re not ‘giving’ enough of yourself to the relationship. Your Cluster B is suffering as a result of your inability to support him/her. You are suffering, because your Cluster B is draining your energy and you feel completely impotent. You want to help but you don’t know how .
Your Cluster B is always on the verge of ‘making things better.’ He/she has so many plans, and they are always about to come to fruition. Your Cluster B just needs you to stay strong and give as much support as he/she needs. By now you are forced to admit to yourself that all may not be as it once seemed, but you remain convinced that you can get things back on track with patience and understanding for your Cluster B. Whatever is going wrong now, it’s all your fault. You may have moments where you secretly admit to yourself, that perhaps you have made a huge error of judgement about this person. You quickly put these doubts aside, however, when your Cluster B tells you that everything he/she is doing is to please and to benefit you.
Your Cluster B always convinces you of his/her selflessness, and by this stage you would rather admit that it’s you letting your Cluster B down, than acknowledge the fact that you don’t actually mean that much to him/her.
Stage four: Despair
I called this an ‘Idiot’s’ guide. You are NOT an idiot, but when you reach stage four with your Cluster B, you will most certainly feel like one.
By now, you no longer recognise your Cluster B. He/she is so far removed from the person you first met, you can barely remember how it felt back then when life was a beach.
Your Cluster B can no longer bear to be in the same room with you, and when he/she is, they hardly acknowledge your existence. You feel you are being ‘tolerated’ and you feel complete and utter isolation. You’ll feel your sanity starting to slip now, and this is why it is important that you LOOK BACK during this stage and try to analyse what has actually happened to you.
You are now at a critical crossroads, and what you decide to do during the despair stage will have far reaching implications for your future life.
Your Cluster B will NEVER end the relationship. He/she does not acknowledge that he/she wants the relationship to end. It will always be down to YOU to end it. Your Cluster B does not believe you will ever have the strength to go. He/she believes you are bound to him/her. You may now find yourself in a situation where you are being physically abused, or the abuse may be emotional (but no less damaging). At this stage you MUST acknowledge your mistake and get out.
It’s the hardest thing to admit we’ve chosen the wrong person. It’s even harder to face up to the fact that you never really knew this person, but face up to it you must. It can only go one of two ways now. You either ‘pull the escape cord’ or you condemn yourself to a life of misery.
Even during the despair stage, you may still have moments when you want to cling to your Cluster B. This is normal. You’ve been made to feel you could not possibly cope in the outside world without your Cluster B, but you can. At this stage of the journey, you MUST get outside help. Friends, family, neighbours, it doesn’t matter. Reach out.
Your Cluster B is probably already cultivating another relationship by now, but still he/she will not release you from their clutches. There will be the odd moment of attempted emotional blackmail, but you have to remain strong.
In order to escape a Cluster B, you MUST get into the driving seat. Your Cluster B will do all he/she can to put obstacles in your way, but you have to just put your head down and roll with the punches.
Even if your Cluster B is not an axe wielding maniac by now (not many turn into Jack Nicholson), don’t underestimate how dangerous he/she can be to your long term well being.
Get the hell out, as fast as you can. Go as far away as possible, and DO NOT look back.
Stage Five: Release
Assuming you’ve made the break (if you haven’t, you’ll be stuck in stage four indefinitely…or worse), you will quickly be catapulted into stage five. Once your Cluster B realises you’ve gained the strength to walk away, he/she will cut you loose…completely. You will find this both shocking and possibly even hurtful at first, but believe me, it’s by far the best thing.
Once you have rejected a Cluster B (you always reject them, they never do anything to drive you away…remember, they are always the wronged party), there is no going back. You will be dropped, and left high and dry. This is the stage when it becomes clear that you were never loved. You realise during the release stage that your Cluster B is not capable of feeling love. He/she lacks empathy and emotion. If there are children involved, it becomes painfully apparent during this stage that they too are just objects to a Cluster B. It’s a devastating realisation, and it will send you into free-fall for a while, but you MUST accept it as the truth.
The person you fell in love with never existed, it was all an illusion.
There’s no easy way to deal with the release stage. You may feel elated one minute, then terrified the next. Again, get support from wherever you can. Look back over your time together and try to pin-point and acknowledge the different phases. This will help you to come to terms with what has happened, and accept the role you played in your Cluster B’s life. Don’t turn the anger in on yourself. It was NOT your fault. Your Cluster B had this problem before you met, and he/she will continue to have this problem long after you’re gone.
Cluster B’s rarely go to get help for themselves. They cannot acknowledge that they have a problem. Psychologists treat the Cluster B’s victims, rarely the Cluster B’s themselves.
I strongly recommend that you get professional psychological support during the release stage. The only way you can let it go, is to understand it. And to do this you need expert guidance.
Draw comfort from the fact that you are not in this alone……and be proud that you managed to escape. Many don’t.
If you need help, contact me via my website.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Taste of the tabloids. Why this obsession with age and weight?
Recently, I’ve been taking a more than passing interest in the contents of certain tabloids and women’s publications. I have my reasons for doing this. Namely, that I was given the opportunity to potentially use one of these publications as a platform to discuss my first book 'Web of Lies' upon its release. This won’t be happening now (for reasons I’ll go into another time), and to be honest, I’m starting to believe this is a good thing.
I’ve been drawn in, like a moth to a flame, by stories of celebrities and how much weight they’ve lost/gained, or whether or not the ‘old’ celebs can hold an ‘aesthetic’ candle to the younger ones. I’ll be honest though, my on-line ‘research’ has left me with rather a bad taste in my mouth.
I’ll admit to becoming somewhat fascinated by the endless articles about ‘this’ celebrity or ‘that’ Hollywood star. There’s something strangely alluring about reading snippets of gossip and trivia about those whose faces we know, yet personas we do not…….at least in the short term. Try reading these types of articles every day though, and they really start to wear thin (if you’ll pardon the pun).
These tabloids, such as the Daily Mail (I use this as an example simply because I’ve read it ad nauseum recently), and magazines such as Bella, Best and OK! have a circulation which run to millions. This is why I find it so curious that, with an audience made up primarily of women, these publications should blatantly ram effusive, shallow, and patronising articles pertaining to peoples age and weight, down our collective throats......AND WE SWALLOW THEM!!!!
Come on, admit it….how many of us pay money to read this stuff? I have! I admit it! No more though!
So why are they doing this to us? Why are we doing it to ourselves?
Here’s an example from the Mail. A UK celebrity (she’s famous just for being famous, which in my opinion is fine, good luck to her). She’s perfect tabloid ‘fodder’. A former pop star, mental health issues, married the wrong guy, now divorcing him, etc etc etc…. and best of all, she’s had WEIGHT issues! Yippee! The woman has been what’s termed a ‘yo-yo dieter’. She’s been photographed looking overweight, and she’s been photographed looking fantastic. Last week, the ‘dose’ of fodder was about her BELLY. Yes, she has a BELLY….shock horror!! Stop the press!! Not only does she have a BELLY…but said BELLY has WRINKLES???…..Oh My God!!!!!!! Whatever next??
The woman has given birth to FOUR children, for crying out loud!!! She looks amazing in the BELLY picture, yet still the article refers to her WRINKLES. Err, what????
Who writes this stuff? Don’t tell me all tabloid journalists are a ‘perfect’ size eights (or Adonis’s) with no dimples, dumps or flecks? Surely, they too are real people with real flaws, just like the rest of us?
Why this obsession with how much somebody weighs? Does it make them a better person because they are stick thin? Or does it help if they were once flabby and are now stick thin? Is this something we should all aspire to? ‘Stick-thin-ness’??
Kerry Katona, Britney Spears, Charlotte Church & co were all vilified for being ‘fat’ (non of them have ever been ‘fat’, as in ‘obese’, by the way). Then they were applauded to the heights for slimming down, only to be vilified again as soon as a spot of cellulite was detected with a long range lens. The tabloids were there, waiting and rubbing their hands at the first sign of exposed, non-pert flesh. I can’t keep up!
So, should they, and other women who have given birth, all get on the treadmill and starve themselves down to a size zero?
Perhaps not, because the ‘thinnies’ come in for just about as much stick as the ‘fatties’,it seems.
So, what is deemed too thin, and what is deemed too fat? Well, it appears there is no real distinction. It seems to depend upon who you are. The lines are blurred beyond belief.
Too thin?
Too fat?
Confused? Me too! (and don’t even get me started on the latest problem…that of so-called ‘cleavage stretch marks’……oh give me strength!)
So, to further add to the confusion, let’s discriminate according to age as well, just to wind up the few of us who have not yet been riled to the point of distraction by the habitual weight & stretch mark references.
In the world of the tabloids, if you’re beyond thirty, you’re a ‘has-been’. If you’re beyond thirty and still in the public eye, you’d better watch out, because your wrinkles are being papped, counted and magnified on a ‘Daily’ basis. If you’re beyond forty…better get down to the plastic surgeon and into that gym, or else don’t set foot out of the house!
But wait, no! Even if you have been to a plastic surgeon, there’s still no escape, because you’re then accused of trying to ‘hold back the years’, and slated for not ‘growing old gracefully'.
Let’s face it ladies (and men, because even you’re not immune from the tabloid age & fatism obsession).We can’t win, no matter what we do. So why try?
To be fair though, I doubt the ‘journalists’ behind these types of features understand it fully themselves. They’re doing a job, I suppose. They get a remit from above to submit this drivel, because the public seem to want to read it. Supply and demand, right?
I’m slowly beginning to understand our fascination with the ‘perfect’ and ‘youthful’ body. Very few of us possess it, after all, or indeed ever will. Even if we have it now, we’re going to get older….yes, every single one of us (including the journos….oh hooray for small mercies!)
At the end of the day, it’s all just a clever marketing ploy. We’re led up the garden path on a ‘Daily’ and ‘Weekly’ basis. We’re lured towards impossible images of ethereal beauty, only to be subsequently spoon-fed with the audacious and brazen advertising methods of the multi-national slimming and beauty industries. ‘Celebrities’ are built up, then knocked down willy nilly, all to feed the gargantuan media machine, and keep us small (or not-so-small) people mesmerised and hypnotised into parting with our hard earned cash,just so we can read the next instalment. We will them to succeed, then we will them to fail. And the money keeps rolling in.
So, as fascinating as the psychology behind it all is, I’ve decided that my ‘research’ must end here, before the bad taste in my mouth makes me gag. I’ve resolved to judge public figures purely on their actual merits (artistic, or otherwise) in future. I don’t want to read any more about their botox, their cellulite, or how many kilos they lost last week. It was nice to peep my head around the door, but I think I’ve seen enough for now. I no longer wish to be reminded of how much more I should be working out, or how much less I should be eating. From now on, I’m going to be boring, and read the broadsheets or listen to national radio, whilst wearing jogging bottoms and a baggy T-shirt. Yes, I’m forty next year, I’m allowed.
And tonight, to wash that nasty taste away, I’m going to eat carbs, followed by chocolate, and maybe a glass of (approximately 400) empty calories....cheers!
I’ve been drawn in, like a moth to a flame, by stories of celebrities and how much weight they’ve lost/gained, or whether or not the ‘old’ celebs can hold an ‘aesthetic’ candle to the younger ones. I’ll be honest though, my on-line ‘research’ has left me with rather a bad taste in my mouth.
I’ll admit to becoming somewhat fascinated by the endless articles about ‘this’ celebrity or ‘that’ Hollywood star. There’s something strangely alluring about reading snippets of gossip and trivia about those whose faces we know, yet personas we do not…….at least in the short term. Try reading these types of articles every day though, and they really start to wear thin (if you’ll pardon the pun).
These tabloids, such as the Daily Mail (I use this as an example simply because I’ve read it ad nauseum recently), and magazines such as Bella, Best and OK! have a circulation which run to millions. This is why I find it so curious that, with an audience made up primarily of women, these publications should blatantly ram effusive, shallow, and patronising articles pertaining to peoples age and weight, down our collective throats......AND WE SWALLOW THEM!!!!
Come on, admit it….how many of us pay money to read this stuff? I have! I admit it! No more though!
So why are they doing this to us? Why are we doing it to ourselves?
Here’s an example from the Mail. A UK celebrity (she’s famous just for being famous, which in my opinion is fine, good luck to her). She’s perfect tabloid ‘fodder’. A former pop star, mental health issues, married the wrong guy, now divorcing him, etc etc etc…. and best of all, she’s had WEIGHT issues! Yippee! The woman has been what’s termed a ‘yo-yo dieter’. She’s been photographed looking overweight, and she’s been photographed looking fantastic. Last week, the ‘dose’ of fodder was about her BELLY. Yes, she has a BELLY….shock horror!! Stop the press!! Not only does she have a BELLY…but said BELLY has WRINKLES???…..Oh My God!!!!!!! Whatever next??
The woman has given birth to FOUR children, for crying out loud!!! She looks amazing in the BELLY picture, yet still the article refers to her WRINKLES. Err, what????
Who writes this stuff? Don’t tell me all tabloid journalists are a ‘perfect’ size eights (or Adonis’s) with no dimples, dumps or flecks? Surely, they too are real people with real flaws, just like the rest of us?
Why this obsession with how much somebody weighs? Does it make them a better person because they are stick thin? Or does it help if they were once flabby and are now stick thin? Is this something we should all aspire to? ‘Stick-thin-ness’??
Kerry Katona, Britney Spears, Charlotte Church & co were all vilified for being ‘fat’ (non of them have ever been ‘fat’, as in ‘obese’, by the way). Then they were applauded to the heights for slimming down, only to be vilified again as soon as a spot of cellulite was detected with a long range lens. The tabloids were there, waiting and rubbing their hands at the first sign of exposed, non-pert flesh. I can’t keep up!
So, should they, and other women who have given birth, all get on the treadmill and starve themselves down to a size zero?
Perhaps not, because the ‘thinnies’ come in for just about as much stick as the ‘fatties’,it seems.
So, what is deemed too thin, and what is deemed too fat? Well, it appears there is no real distinction. It seems to depend upon who you are. The lines are blurred beyond belief.
Too thin?
Too fat?
Confused? Me too! (and don’t even get me started on the latest problem…that of so-called ‘cleavage stretch marks’……oh give me strength!)
So, to further add to the confusion, let’s discriminate according to age as well, just to wind up the few of us who have not yet been riled to the point of distraction by the habitual weight & stretch mark references.
In the world of the tabloids, if you’re beyond thirty, you’re a ‘has-been’. If you’re beyond thirty and still in the public eye, you’d better watch out, because your wrinkles are being papped, counted and magnified on a ‘Daily’ basis. If you’re beyond forty…better get down to the plastic surgeon and into that gym, or else don’t set foot out of the house!
But wait, no! Even if you have been to a plastic surgeon, there’s still no escape, because you’re then accused of trying to ‘hold back the years’, and slated for not ‘growing old gracefully'.
Let’s face it ladies (and men, because even you’re not immune from the tabloid age & fatism obsession).We can’t win, no matter what we do. So why try?
To be fair though, I doubt the ‘journalists’ behind these types of features understand it fully themselves. They’re doing a job, I suppose. They get a remit from above to submit this drivel, because the public seem to want to read it. Supply and demand, right?
I’m slowly beginning to understand our fascination with the ‘perfect’ and ‘youthful’ body. Very few of us possess it, after all, or indeed ever will. Even if we have it now, we’re going to get older….yes, every single one of us (including the journos….oh hooray for small mercies!)
At the end of the day, it’s all just a clever marketing ploy. We’re led up the garden path on a ‘Daily’ and ‘Weekly’ basis. We’re lured towards impossible images of ethereal beauty, only to be subsequently spoon-fed with the audacious and brazen advertising methods of the multi-national slimming and beauty industries. ‘Celebrities’ are built up, then knocked down willy nilly, all to feed the gargantuan media machine, and keep us small (or not-so-small) people mesmerised and hypnotised into parting with our hard earned cash,just so we can read the next instalment. We will them to succeed, then we will them to fail. And the money keeps rolling in.
So, as fascinating as the psychology behind it all is, I’ve decided that my ‘research’ must end here, before the bad taste in my mouth makes me gag. I’ve resolved to judge public figures purely on their actual merits (artistic, or otherwise) in future. I don’t want to read any more about their botox, their cellulite, or how many kilos they lost last week. It was nice to peep my head around the door, but I think I’ve seen enough for now. I no longer wish to be reminded of how much more I should be working out, or how much less I should be eating. From now on, I’m going to be boring, and read the broadsheets or listen to national radio, whilst wearing jogging bottoms and a baggy T-shirt. Yes, I’m forty next year, I’m allowed.
And tonight, to wash that nasty taste away, I’m going to eat carbs, followed by chocolate, and maybe a glass of (approximately 400) empty calories....cheers!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The stage is set!
Tick tock, tick tock…..I’m nervously watching the clock.
I have handed over my work, given the first in-depth interview, and I now slowly have to release my grip on the piece of my life which has now been transformed into ‘Web of Lies’.
The cover artwork is done, the website is up and running, and the manuscript is now being polished and preened, ready to finally be presented to the world.
This has been an incredible journey. Fast and furious. From its first inception during an Email exchange with my now publisher back in 2008 (we were discussing the car wreck that was my life, and I actually joked I should perhaps write a book, to which she answered….’for sure’), to my first words being penned, to now.
What an experience!
I have learned so much in such a short time, and not just about writing. I’ve learned so much about psychology (personality disorders in particular).
I’ve had to learn what can and what cannot be said when writing a memoir, and how to relay my experiences honestly and openly, without resorting to gratuitous mud-slinging.
I've even learned what is permissible when writing a newspaper article to accompany a memoir.
And most of all, I've learned to really believe in myself, and what I'm doing. (This was the hardest part to learn, I can honestly say).
But what an education it’s been!
I have enjoyed the learning experience immensely, and I bow to all those who have helped to facilitate my development along this 'Web of Lies' road. I thank you all. I hope the knowledge I have gained on this journey will help me to enhance my future work (because now I have started, I don’t want to stop!)
So, now I have arrived.... not at the end of the road, but most certainly at a crossroads. How things go from here, is anybody’s guess. It doesn't stop when the book is published, it starts here!
With determination, and a bit of luck, I'll be busy over the coming months. A few months ago, a publisher said to me 'you get out what you put in', and I'm certainly not lacking in enthusiasm when it comes to 'putting in'. Bring it on!
I’ve blogged about my reasons for writing this book before, but I’ll repeat them again, just so it’s clear:
But I'd be lying if I said those were my only reasons for doing all this. There are, of course, other 'drivers' behind the 'Web of Lies' wheel. Three, to be precise. Three unquestioning sources of inspiration. Each with their own unique way of keeping me levelled and focused.
To my back seat drivers, I say;
Let’s get this show on the road kids. It’s our time to shine......
I have handed over my work, given the first in-depth interview, and I now slowly have to release my grip on the piece of my life which has now been transformed into ‘Web of Lies’.
The cover artwork is done, the website is up and running, and the manuscript is now being polished and preened, ready to finally be presented to the world.
This has been an incredible journey. Fast and furious. From its first inception during an Email exchange with my now publisher back in 2008 (we were discussing the car wreck that was my life, and I actually joked I should perhaps write a book, to which she answered….’for sure’), to my first words being penned, to now.
What an experience!
I have learned so much in such a short time, and not just about writing. I’ve learned so much about psychology (personality disorders in particular).
I’ve had to learn what can and what cannot be said when writing a memoir, and how to relay my experiences honestly and openly, without resorting to gratuitous mud-slinging.
I've even learned what is permissible when writing a newspaper article to accompany a memoir.
And most of all, I've learned to really believe in myself, and what I'm doing. (This was the hardest part to learn, I can honestly say).
But what an education it’s been!
I have enjoyed the learning experience immensely, and I bow to all those who have helped to facilitate my development along this 'Web of Lies' road. I thank you all. I hope the knowledge I have gained on this journey will help me to enhance my future work (because now I have started, I don’t want to stop!)
So, now I have arrived.... not at the end of the road, but most certainly at a crossroads. How things go from here, is anybody’s guess. It doesn't stop when the book is published, it starts here!
With determination, and a bit of luck, I'll be busy over the coming months. A few months ago, a publisher said to me 'you get out what you put in', and I'm certainly not lacking in enthusiasm when it comes to 'putting in'. Bring it on!
I’ve blogged about my reasons for writing this book before, but I’ll repeat them again, just so it’s clear:
Firstly: To bring the subject of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and it's related disorders, to a wider audience, and to help overcome the stigma which surrounds both the afflicted and the affected.
Secondly: To give a voice to a person whom I believe was seriously wronged in her life, then slandered upon her death. She can no longer speak for herself, so I am doing that for her now.
And finally: To (hopefully) inspire those who have found themselves in a simliar situation to the one I was in. There are millions of us, the world over. And we all need some reassurance, that whatever it was which happened, it was NOT our fault, and it CAN be put right...with strength, and a little patience.
But I'd be lying if I said those were my only reasons for doing all this. There are, of course, other 'drivers' behind the 'Web of Lies' wheel. Three, to be precise. Three unquestioning sources of inspiration. Each with their own unique way of keeping me levelled and focused.
To my back seat drivers, I say;
Let’s get this show on the road kids. It’s our time to shine......
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Single Mum on Holiday!
Three kids, one adult, one hire car, one campsite....and a week in the sun with my little family!
Many people seemed surprised when I told them I was taking the kids away on holiday...on my own! But why is it surprising? I manage them at home....on my own! So why not abroad? What’s the difference?
OK, I’ll admit, it’s a bit of a challenge, but then, so is juggling daily life. It’s not rocket science. It’s just a question of planning (with military precision!)
I’m very blessed that my kids are such good travellers. I hear nightmare tales from other parents of kids who yell and squeak after as little as forty minutes on the road. Mine managed a four hour drive with just one quick stop (so mum could grab a coffee!) We had snacks, CD’s and good old chit chat to keep us entertained. The holiday began in the car for us.
We’d spent the last several weeks building up to our trip. Each night we’d been counting sleeps until we go for our holiday. The kids were excited and perhaps a little fractious, but they endured the long drive with aplomb, as though they were seasoned travellers.
Once we had safely arrived, unpacked, and settled ourselves into our temporary ‘home’ (a compact, but comfortable static caravan), we then set off to secure our place by the pool.
The kids were quickly in seventh heaven. Armbands on, sun cream on, water pistols at the ready, they were splashing, playing and squealing with joy in no time at all.
Now it’s time for mum to relax too, isn’t it? Well, of course not! It’s not really possible to fully relax when you’re on holiday (especially around water) with your three kids. You always need to be keeping an eye out for what they’re doing. There’s a nack to it, but as long as you accept that this is the case, you can ‘relax into it’, if you know what I mean.
As parents, we possess this sort of in-built radar system. We can spot our kids a mile off. We can keep track of them even whilst not looking at them. We’re in tune with their sounds and signals. If a child strays out of radar range, you know it instinctively. I would find myself sitting up, scouring the sea of red and whit swimming caps, checking off my offspring one by one. ‘There’s number one, safely in the paddling pool….there’s number two, checking out the ice cream stand (as usual)…..and there’s number three, splashing with another toddler….check.’ Breathe.
Of course, you cannot keep them tied to you the entire time. It’s not possible. You have to give them a certain amount of freedom. They need to be free to make friends, play happily….and yes, shock horror….be out of your sight for a while. But out of sight doesn’t mean off the radar ;-)
We settled into a happy routine. In the mornings we’d wake, have a bite to eat, get our swimmers on, then head to the supermarket for Mummy’s newspaper, some drinks and some nibbles. We’d then head to the pool, secure a couple of sunbeds (not an easy task, believe me, you need your wits about you for that!) then settle in for a day of splashing and summer fun.
There was an entertainment program for the kids, and a kids club. They only went to the kids club once though, for about and hour. I was thrilled when they asked if they could go, but then felt strangely lost when finally given an opportunity to switch off my ‘Mummy-dar’ for a while. I can’t say I relaxed during that hour, although it was nice that my newspaper stayed dry for a short time!
By late afternoon, we would make our way back ‘home’ to our caravan, where I would set up a ‘shower production line’ and hose them down, one by one. Then we’d apply aftersun, pour a drink, and sit of the decking whilst applying our ‘make up ‘ for the Disco evening ahead.
Let there be no mistaking. Applying 'Hello Kitty' lip gloss and glitter is a very serious business. So is getting your hair right, and wearing the correct disco outfit. And not one to be left out whilst surrounded by a bunch of ladies, my little boy was determined to get in on the act too. He has the tiniest bit of glitter (on his forehead) and Mummy pretended to powder his face. He was happy, and we would then head off for a pre-disco pizza at the Restaurant by the Lake.
Oh happy times!
And seeing the kids dancing to those disco beats was a joy to behold for Mummy. I think the discos were my favourite part of the holiday. It was time for me to really sit back and watch my three favourite people having a ball.....what could be better than that?
And when the disco finished, we all headed home and went to bed....tired and happy.
So, all in all, it went well. I can't pretend I didn't find it exhausting, but it was no more exhausting than being at home with them, and the fact that we were away, just the four of us, is what really matters.
It's about getting a break from the routine, letting them stay up late, letting them eat what they want, and relaxing the rules a little. That's a key to a good holiday with the kids. It doesn't matter that we all came back tired, or that the kids had too many ice creams, that we got covered in mosquito bites, or ate too much pasta. None of that matters. What matters is that we were all together, a happy, complete family. Nothing can be more important than that.
Many people seemed surprised when I told them I was taking the kids away on holiday...on my own! But why is it surprising? I manage them at home....on my own! So why not abroad? What’s the difference?
OK, I’ll admit, it’s a bit of a challenge, but then, so is juggling daily life. It’s not rocket science. It’s just a question of planning (with military precision!)
I’m very blessed that my kids are such good travellers. I hear nightmare tales from other parents of kids who yell and squeak after as little as forty minutes on the road. Mine managed a four hour drive with just one quick stop (so mum could grab a coffee!) We had snacks, CD’s and good old chit chat to keep us entertained. The holiday began in the car for us.
We’d spent the last several weeks building up to our trip. Each night we’d been counting sleeps until we go for our holiday. The kids were excited and perhaps a little fractious, but they endured the long drive with aplomb, as though they were seasoned travellers.
Once we had safely arrived, unpacked, and settled ourselves into our temporary ‘home’ (a compact, but comfortable static caravan), we then set off to secure our place by the pool.
The kids were quickly in seventh heaven. Armbands on, sun cream on, water pistols at the ready, they were splashing, playing and squealing with joy in no time at all.
Now it’s time for mum to relax too, isn’t it? Well, of course not! It’s not really possible to fully relax when you’re on holiday (especially around water) with your three kids. You always need to be keeping an eye out for what they’re doing. There’s a nack to it, but as long as you accept that this is the case, you can ‘relax into it’, if you know what I mean.
As parents, we possess this sort of in-built radar system. We can spot our kids a mile off. We can keep track of them even whilst not looking at them. We’re in tune with their sounds and signals. If a child strays out of radar range, you know it instinctively. I would find myself sitting up, scouring the sea of red and whit swimming caps, checking off my offspring one by one. ‘There’s number one, safely in the paddling pool….there’s number two, checking out the ice cream stand (as usual)…..and there’s number three, splashing with another toddler….check.’ Breathe.
Of course, you cannot keep them tied to you the entire time. It’s not possible. You have to give them a certain amount of freedom. They need to be free to make friends, play happily….and yes, shock horror….be out of your sight for a while. But out of sight doesn’t mean off the radar ;-)
We settled into a happy routine. In the mornings we’d wake, have a bite to eat, get our swimmers on, then head to the supermarket for Mummy’s newspaper, some drinks and some nibbles. We’d then head to the pool, secure a couple of sunbeds (not an easy task, believe me, you need your wits about you for that!) then settle in for a day of splashing and summer fun.
There was an entertainment program for the kids, and a kids club. They only went to the kids club once though, for about and hour. I was thrilled when they asked if they could go, but then felt strangely lost when finally given an opportunity to switch off my ‘Mummy-dar’ for a while. I can’t say I relaxed during that hour, although it was nice that my newspaper stayed dry for a short time!
By late afternoon, we would make our way back ‘home’ to our caravan, where I would set up a ‘shower production line’ and hose them down, one by one. Then we’d apply aftersun, pour a drink, and sit of the decking whilst applying our ‘make up ‘ for the Disco evening ahead.
Let there be no mistaking. Applying 'Hello Kitty' lip gloss and glitter is a very serious business. So is getting your hair right, and wearing the correct disco outfit. And not one to be left out whilst surrounded by a bunch of ladies, my little boy was determined to get in on the act too. He has the tiniest bit of glitter (on his forehead) and Mummy pretended to powder his face. He was happy, and we would then head off for a pre-disco pizza at the Restaurant by the Lake.
Oh happy times!
And seeing the kids dancing to those disco beats was a joy to behold for Mummy. I think the discos were my favourite part of the holiday. It was time for me to really sit back and watch my three favourite people having a ball.....what could be better than that?
And when the disco finished, we all headed home and went to bed....tired and happy.
So, all in all, it went well. I can't pretend I didn't find it exhausting, but it was no more exhausting than being at home with them, and the fact that we were away, just the four of us, is what really matters.
It's about getting a break from the routine, letting them stay up late, letting them eat what they want, and relaxing the rules a little. That's a key to a good holiday with the kids. It doesn't matter that we all came back tired, or that the kids had too many ice creams, that we got covered in mosquito bites, or ate too much pasta. None of that matters. What matters is that we were all together, a happy, complete family. Nothing can be more important than that.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Tortoise and the Hare......in honour of my girls
Yesterday was the school sports day. My girls were both to take part in an 80m sprint. Lucy was up first. There were only three children in her heat (herself included) but as the start whistle blew, you couldn’t see Lucy for dust. She was metres ahead of the opposition, crossing the finishing line in record time.
Two summers ago, this ability to sprint so fast earned her the nickname ‘Forrest Gump’ from my mother. She was amazed at how Lucy would just bolt, knees high, arms pumping. Her energy seemed to know no bounds. Indeed, this is still the case today. Probably more so, if I’m honest. She is what I call my little ‘energy bundle’. She is always on the go, rarely sits still, and needs (much to my dismay), very little sleep. Even a case of childhood asthma has failed to slow her down. So siree, she’s unstoppable!
I do sometimes wonder how much of her energy comes from nerves, and how sustainable it is in the long term. She’s always been fairly highly strung. She frets and worries openly. She fusses and pesters. She would try the patience of a Saint. Sadly, to my detriment, I have failed many of Lucy’s patience tests. I feel we are perhaps too alike in many ways. We often clash, both of us having a strong will. She has staying power though, and I can foresee trouble ahead when puberty kicks in. But for now, as a seven year old, she is as open as can be. After one of our clashes, I’ll invariably receive a note or a drawing: ‘Sorry Mummy. I love you’ she writes, to which my heart melts, and all is well again.
She is the most openly affectionate and demonstrative child I have ever known. She will happily give her adoration to anybody who crosses her path. If a person appears in her life and stays around for more than a couple of days, they are rewarded with unlimited supplies of Lucy-love. She knows no inhibitions when it comes to expressing her feelings of affection. It is a joy to behold when a child behaves this way, because in her innocent openness, she commands so much love and affection in return. Everybody loves Lucy. It’s hard not to. I hope she remains as loving and giving as she is now. Although, as she grows, I’m sure that this innocence will diminish, so I guess I should learn to appreciate it whilst it lasts. I should learn to get better at the patience tests, and work on relaxing through the clashes, and extending the periods between them. For even though Lucy drives me nuts with her boundless energy and reluctance to sit still for a moment, I still adore my little Forrest Gump. Watching her win her race yesterday brought a lump to my throat. Like all parents, I was just bursting with pride (and glad I was wearing sunglasses so nobody could see my tears!) For me, there is always that extra little bit of pride though, the sort of pride only a single mum feels when her kids do well. Those of you who do (or have done) the same job as me, will know what I’m referring to.
Alice’s race was second, and just like her character is to Lucy’s, so the race result was reflected. Chalk and cheese. Alice is my little slow burner. She doesn’t like to rush. It’s part of her make-up, and one of the most endearing things about her. At the age of two, Alice was completing jigsaw puzzles made for five year olds. She will happily sit and play alone, and can entertain herself for hours. She much prefers sedentary activity. She’ll never be a live wire like her sister. They really couldn’t be more different in that respect. If there is a choice in the matter, Alice will choose to do as little as possible. She’s a thinker, and incredibly deep. If only I could read her as well as I read Lucy, but sadly I can’t. She’s an enigma. A beautiful, pale-skinned enigma.
But that’s not to say Alice isn’t feisty. Oh boy, don’t cross her! We too have our clashes. She can swing from quiet contemplation to fiery indignation in the blink of an eye. It pains me to say, but sometimes her mood swings catch me unawares, and I react in the worst possible way (by losing my temper) which only adds fuel the fire. That’s another point I should really work on; reading Alice better.
She is nowhere near as predictable as her sister. She has a protective wall around her, which sometimes even I cannot penetrate. She is no less affectionate than Lucy, but she’s a lot more choosy about who she shows her affections to, and when.
She doesn’t like to admit when she’s made a mistake either, and she hates to say sorry. Instead, she chooses other ways to show remorse. Usually, apologies from Alice will come in the form of some small home-made gift. I have a box full of cut out shapes and figures. Some are in the adult form (me), some are clearly children (Alice) and some are not of this world at all. All have little love hearts drawn on them though. That’s her way of showing she cares. Again, it’s heart melting. I can never stay cross with either of them for long.
Watching Alice’s ‘sprint’ yesterday, and comparing it to Lucy’s, put me in mind of the Tortoise and the Hare (but without the moral lesson). Alice came fourth (out of four), but she did it with pride and grace. For her, it really wasn't about the winning, but about the taking part. My tears for her achievement were equal in pride to those for Lucy’s win. She may have her funny little ways, but there is no doubt in my mind that she will be an achiever in the ‘long run’. In this fable, both players are winners.....at least to their Mum.
Pride doesn’t even come close to describing how I feel about them.
Two summers ago, this ability to sprint so fast earned her the nickname ‘Forrest Gump’ from my mother. She was amazed at how Lucy would just bolt, knees high, arms pumping. Her energy seemed to know no bounds. Indeed, this is still the case today. Probably more so, if I’m honest. She is what I call my little ‘energy bundle’. She is always on the go, rarely sits still, and needs (much to my dismay), very little sleep. Even a case of childhood asthma has failed to slow her down. So siree, she’s unstoppable!
I do sometimes wonder how much of her energy comes from nerves, and how sustainable it is in the long term. She’s always been fairly highly strung. She frets and worries openly. She fusses and pesters. She would try the patience of a Saint. Sadly, to my detriment, I have failed many of Lucy’s patience tests. I feel we are perhaps too alike in many ways. We often clash, both of us having a strong will. She has staying power though, and I can foresee trouble ahead when puberty kicks in. But for now, as a seven year old, she is as open as can be. After one of our clashes, I’ll invariably receive a note or a drawing: ‘Sorry Mummy. I love you’ she writes, to which my heart melts, and all is well again.
She is the most openly affectionate and demonstrative child I have ever known. She will happily give her adoration to anybody who crosses her path. If a person appears in her life and stays around for more than a couple of days, they are rewarded with unlimited supplies of Lucy-love. She knows no inhibitions when it comes to expressing her feelings of affection. It is a joy to behold when a child behaves this way, because in her innocent openness, she commands so much love and affection in return. Everybody loves Lucy. It’s hard not to. I hope she remains as loving and giving as she is now. Although, as she grows, I’m sure that this innocence will diminish, so I guess I should learn to appreciate it whilst it lasts. I should learn to get better at the patience tests, and work on relaxing through the clashes, and extending the periods between them. For even though Lucy drives me nuts with her boundless energy and reluctance to sit still for a moment, I still adore my little Forrest Gump. Watching her win her race yesterday brought a lump to my throat. Like all parents, I was just bursting with pride (and glad I was wearing sunglasses so nobody could see my tears!) For me, there is always that extra little bit of pride though, the sort of pride only a single mum feels when her kids do well. Those of you who do (or have done) the same job as me, will know what I’m referring to.
Alice’s race was second, and just like her character is to Lucy’s, so the race result was reflected. Chalk and cheese. Alice is my little slow burner. She doesn’t like to rush. It’s part of her make-up, and one of the most endearing things about her. At the age of two, Alice was completing jigsaw puzzles made for five year olds. She will happily sit and play alone, and can entertain herself for hours. She much prefers sedentary activity. She’ll never be a live wire like her sister. They really couldn’t be more different in that respect. If there is a choice in the matter, Alice will choose to do as little as possible. She’s a thinker, and incredibly deep. If only I could read her as well as I read Lucy, but sadly I can’t. She’s an enigma. A beautiful, pale-skinned enigma.
But that’s not to say Alice isn’t feisty. Oh boy, don’t cross her! We too have our clashes. She can swing from quiet contemplation to fiery indignation in the blink of an eye. It pains me to say, but sometimes her mood swings catch me unawares, and I react in the worst possible way (by losing my temper) which only adds fuel the fire. That’s another point I should really work on; reading Alice better.
She is nowhere near as predictable as her sister. She has a protective wall around her, which sometimes even I cannot penetrate. She is no less affectionate than Lucy, but she’s a lot more choosy about who she shows her affections to, and when.
She doesn’t like to admit when she’s made a mistake either, and she hates to say sorry. Instead, she chooses other ways to show remorse. Usually, apologies from Alice will come in the form of some small home-made gift. I have a box full of cut out shapes and figures. Some are in the adult form (me), some are clearly children (Alice) and some are not of this world at all. All have little love hearts drawn on them though. That’s her way of showing she cares. Again, it’s heart melting. I can never stay cross with either of them for long.
Watching Alice’s ‘sprint’ yesterday, and comparing it to Lucy’s, put me in mind of the Tortoise and the Hare (but without the moral lesson). Alice came fourth (out of four), but she did it with pride and grace. For her, it really wasn't about the winning, but about the taking part. My tears for her achievement were equal in pride to those for Lucy’s win. She may have her funny little ways, but there is no doubt in my mind that she will be an achiever in the ‘long run’. In this fable, both players are winners.....at least to their Mum.
Pride doesn’t even come close to describing how I feel about them.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
A musical kairos
I have always been a lover of music. From being a small child and marvelling at my Dads expansive record collection (if not at his taste!) right through until my ex bought an Ipod when they first came on the market, I like to turn it up, and lose myself in it.
Many of my own poems have been inspired by the music I listen to. There is meaning in everything, and invariably we can relate lyrics to our own lives. As Elton John put it; 'Sad songs say so much'.
We all have our favourites, which we can relate to a particular period, or moment of our lives. For me,Chasing Cars became an anthem for me and my children in 2008. It signified everything I felt about our situation; facing the world together, just the four of us. Oh how I listened to that song, over and over, tears flowing freely.
I spent a great deal of time in 2008 listening to music. Lying down and letting the words wash over me. Wallowing in the pain, letting out the tears, and getting angry,or inspired.....depending upon the tune.
I still do it today, although with less of the 'wallowing', I hasten to add!
But there was this moment, back in the summer of 2008, which I can only describe as my musical 'kairos' or 'moment of truth'. It was a song I'd heard many times before, yet before that moment in time, it had never held such significance.
Life was in turmoil, the Divorce was in full swing, and I had recently discovered some incredibly painful and unpleasant truths about the person I thought I had known, but,it turned out, was only just beginning to. I was in an emotionally charged place, and perhaps more vulnerable than ever before in my life.
A dear friend took me to Zurich to see a stadium gig. It was a massive piece of musical theatre, performed by an Artist I have always admired for her tenacity and originality.
The show was electric, full of energy and completely spell binding.
Then, came this moment, when she sang this particular song, and it was like the world melted away, and she was singing just to me. A light switched on, and every single word of the song rang true. I stood there, enthralled, and suddenly, I was hit with with the resolve I'd been so desperately searching for all those months.
I've played the song many more times since, and every word still rings true. It's about realising you've been kidding yourself about somebody. It's about recognising the lies and deceit, and taking that final step away, to save your own soul.
Life is full of these defining moments. They come from nowhere, they would seem innocuous under any other circumstances. Yet they are so important to us in that split second, almost as though they are messages from above.
You've got to love the Universe!
Many of my own poems have been inspired by the music I listen to. There is meaning in everything, and invariably we can relate lyrics to our own lives. As Elton John put it; 'Sad songs say so much'.
We all have our favourites, which we can relate to a particular period, or moment of our lives. For me,Chasing Cars became an anthem for me and my children in 2008. It signified everything I felt about our situation; facing the world together, just the four of us. Oh how I listened to that song, over and over, tears flowing freely.
I spent a great deal of time in 2008 listening to music. Lying down and letting the words wash over me. Wallowing in the pain, letting out the tears, and getting angry,or inspired.....depending upon the tune.
I still do it today, although with less of the 'wallowing', I hasten to add!
But there was this moment, back in the summer of 2008, which I can only describe as my musical 'kairos' or 'moment of truth'. It was a song I'd heard many times before, yet before that moment in time, it had never held such significance.
Life was in turmoil, the Divorce was in full swing, and I had recently discovered some incredibly painful and unpleasant truths about the person I thought I had known, but,it turned out, was only just beginning to. I was in an emotionally charged place, and perhaps more vulnerable than ever before in my life.
A dear friend took me to Zurich to see a stadium gig. It was a massive piece of musical theatre, performed by an Artist I have always admired for her tenacity and originality.
The show was electric, full of energy and completely spell binding.
Then, came this moment, when she sang this particular song, and it was like the world melted away, and she was singing just to me. A light switched on, and every single word of the song rang true. I stood there, enthralled, and suddenly, I was hit with with the resolve I'd been so desperately searching for all those months.
I've played the song many more times since, and every word still rings true. It's about realising you've been kidding yourself about somebody. It's about recognising the lies and deceit, and taking that final step away, to save your own soul.
Life is full of these defining moments. They come from nowhere, they would seem innocuous under any other circumstances. Yet they are so important to us in that split second, almost as though they are messages from above.
You've got to love the Universe!
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