I've been busy adding all the wonderful new writers out there! Good luck to you all!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The second Writers's Platform - Building Crusade.
Well done to Rach Writes for having this amazing idea.
I've been busy adding all the wonderful new writers out there! Good luck to you all!
I've been busy adding all the wonderful new writers out there! Good luck to you all!
Guest Post by Sarah Strudwick, Author of 'Dark Souls'
Why I wrote Dark Souls - Healing and Recovering from Toxic Relationships
I was asked recently by a colleague and friend after getting so much flack for writing Dark Souls to remain focussed on the reasons why I wrote it and not to get sidetracked by their own hidden agendas. Don't get me wrong I have had many people share positive experiences about how much the book has helped them but no one would have wanted Dark Souls to get published moreso than those people who are disordered themselves. Unfortunately its those very people whom I have have spent my life trying to get away from that I had to defend myself against, although now I have the ability to stand in my power and say No to those who criticise and judge me for having the guts to speak out.
Victims have been emailing me over the year and sharing their own stories and a few have asked me if I would be doing speaking events. Occasionally I will share their stories on the website with their permission.
I had originally planned on doing talks and lectures to educate people about the psychopathic type personality but I often sidetrack myself with other work as I have a fear of speaking in front of large groups of people. This was apparent a couple of years ago when I decided to enter a competition called Britain's Next Top Coach and the mere thought of speaking to more than a handful of people would start to make me feel quite nervous.
In all honesty I wrote Dark Souls after spending years around psychopathic and narcissistic type personalities and I guess after meeting Oliver without ever before knowing what a disordered personality was, Oliver was the straw that broke the Donkeys back. I made a decision there and then, after I asked him to go, that I never wanted another person to have go through what I had with these insidious individuals and end up being victimized. Its bad enough being victimised by a narcissist who is a little easier to spot that a psychopath whereas with a psychopathic type you don't realise you are being victimized until its too late. As Sarah Tate a fellow author wrote in the Devil is in the Detail, there appears to be two types. One is “in your face” whereas the other is a “slow burner". Either type are just as dangerous and neither have the ability to feel any kind of empathy for their victims.
My other reasons for writing Dark Souls was to educate people and give them the tools that I wish I had had many years ago as a child. I am hoping that one day I can write a book that teenagers can read at school and learn how not to be victimised by sociopaths before it happens. You cannot change the nature of the beast but you can change your reactions towards them by being prepared and armed with information that will help you spot predators in the first place.
And finally, I wrote Dark Souls because most women and men who have been burned by these people are left emotionally, and spiritually broken. That coupled with the fact that they are usually financially ruined. They often don't have the money they need to spend on getting themselves healed because they are too busy dealing with the financial aftermath of the relationship. I wanted to give the readers some tools they could use immediately to get them out of victim mode and start their journey into recovery. Depending on the victims mindset at the time that the relationship ends and whether or not they have children to support (most psychopathic types leave their partners and offer no financial support to their spouses). The last thing on the persons mind is to pay for counselling/support when their priority is feeding their children.
Since writing Dark Souls last year its been a real eye opener for me. I have realised that there is a whole can of worms that I hadn't even realised my ex was up too along with all the other things I wrote about in the book. The more I uncover the more it amazes and baffles me. However rather than spending time wondering why he did this or that I return my focus back to myself and my own family and how I can move on and rebuild my own life.
For those that have already read Dark Souls and other books on disordered personalities and healing that I have recommended on the book page such as those by Sarah Tate and George Simon. The whole process of discovering their lies and healing is like a jigsaw puzzle. Before you discover books on narcissism, sociopathy and Cluster B's,its a bit like a person doing a jigsaw puzzle in the dark. You know there's something wrong, you know where the next piece is but you just cant quite put your finger on it. Suddenly the light goes on and you have a lightbulb moment. Once you have discovered all the pieces and put them back together piece by piece, you look back and have a much clearer picture of what has happened and then you finally realise throughout all the craziness that you weren't the one that was crazy, they were.
Most authors of books on psychopathy ,sociopathy, narcissism and the psychopathic type unless of course they are narcissists themselves will normally always have the same agenda. To ensure that others don't have to endure what they went through. For example when George Simon and other professionals like Dr Robert Hare who have developed the psychopathy checklist wrote their books they may not have been victims but they would have written because the old models that worked before are no longer working. Victims like Sarah Tate and myself wrote our books because we just wanted our message out there in the hope that others would eventually see through the mask of their abusers and not get victimised like we were.
I was asked recently by a colleague and friend after getting so much flack for writing Dark Souls to remain focussed on the reasons why I wrote it and not to get sidetracked by their own hidden agendas. Don't get me wrong I have had many people share positive experiences about how much the book has helped them but no one would have wanted Dark Souls to get published moreso than those people who are disordered themselves. Unfortunately its those very people whom I have have spent my life trying to get away from that I had to defend myself against, although now I have the ability to stand in my power and say No to those who criticise and judge me for having the guts to speak out.
Victims have been emailing me over the year and sharing their own stories and a few have asked me if I would be doing speaking events. Occasionally I will share their stories on the website with their permission.
I had originally planned on doing talks and lectures to educate people about the psychopathic type personality but I often sidetrack myself with other work as I have a fear of speaking in front of large groups of people. This was apparent a couple of years ago when I decided to enter a competition called Britain's Next Top Coach and the mere thought of speaking to more than a handful of people would start to make me feel quite nervous.
In all honesty I wrote Dark Souls after spending years around psychopathic and narcissistic type personalities and I guess after meeting Oliver without ever before knowing what a disordered personality was, Oliver was the straw that broke the Donkeys back. I made a decision there and then, after I asked him to go, that I never wanted another person to have go through what I had with these insidious individuals and end up being victimized. Its bad enough being victimised by a narcissist who is a little easier to spot that a psychopath whereas with a psychopathic type you don't realise you are being victimized until its too late. As Sarah Tate a fellow author wrote in the Devil is in the Detail, there appears to be two types. One is “in your face” whereas the other is a “slow burner". Either type are just as dangerous and neither have the ability to feel any kind of empathy for their victims.
My other reasons for writing Dark Souls was to educate people and give them the tools that I wish I had had many years ago as a child. I am hoping that one day I can write a book that teenagers can read at school and learn how not to be victimised by sociopaths before it happens. You cannot change the nature of the beast but you can change your reactions towards them by being prepared and armed with information that will help you spot predators in the first place.
And finally, I wrote Dark Souls because most women and men who have been burned by these people are left emotionally, and spiritually broken. That coupled with the fact that they are usually financially ruined. They often don't have the money they need to spend on getting themselves healed because they are too busy dealing with the financial aftermath of the relationship. I wanted to give the readers some tools they could use immediately to get them out of victim mode and start their journey into recovery. Depending on the victims mindset at the time that the relationship ends and whether or not they have children to support (most psychopathic types leave their partners and offer no financial support to their spouses). The last thing on the persons mind is to pay for counselling/support when their priority is feeding their children.
Since writing Dark Souls last year its been a real eye opener for me. I have realised that there is a whole can of worms that I hadn't even realised my ex was up too along with all the other things I wrote about in the book. The more I uncover the more it amazes and baffles me. However rather than spending time wondering why he did this or that I return my focus back to myself and my own family and how I can move on and rebuild my own life.
For those that have already read Dark Souls and other books on disordered personalities and healing that I have recommended on the book page such as those by Sarah Tate and George Simon. The whole process of discovering their lies and healing is like a jigsaw puzzle. Before you discover books on narcissism, sociopathy and Cluster B's,its a bit like a person doing a jigsaw puzzle in the dark. You know there's something wrong, you know where the next piece is but you just cant quite put your finger on it. Suddenly the light goes on and you have a lightbulb moment. Once you have discovered all the pieces and put them back together piece by piece, you look back and have a much clearer picture of what has happened and then you finally realise throughout all the craziness that you weren't the one that was crazy, they were.
Most authors of books on psychopathy ,sociopathy, narcissism and the psychopathic type unless of course they are narcissists themselves will normally always have the same agenda. To ensure that others don't have to endure what they went through. For example when George Simon and other professionals like Dr Robert Hare who have developed the psychopathy checklist wrote their books they may not have been victims but they would have written because the old models that worked before are no longer working. Victims like Sarah Tate and myself wrote our books because we just wanted our message out there in the hope that others would eventually see through the mask of their abusers and not get victimised like we were.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Looking on the bright side.............
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all the experiences I’ve had during the last few years of my life, it’s that there are positives to be drawn from even what seem to be the darkest of situations.
When we’re going through hell, we are consumed by our own troubles, and our minds can focus on little else except surviving the current danger and getting ourselves back into a better place. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s a primitive inbuilt reaction and it is designed to motivate us to drive ourselves into a better place, to overcome the hurdles and regain life’s equilibrium. This is the cycle of life, and it happens again and again.
However, it doesn’t do any of us any harm, if once in a while, we take some time to get things into perspective, and look for the positives in life.
I have recently been humbled to learn about the experiences of friends of mine, who, whilst I was going through my (utterly trivial by comparison) woes, were suffering their own, much deeper distress.
Those of us who are lucky enough to be in good health just tend to take it for granted. I know I do. Of course I worry about falling ill, more so since I’ve been a parent. I often fret about what would happen to my children if anything ‘happened’ to me. Thankfully though, I have never been confronted with a situation where I’ve had to deal with this very frightening prospect.
Friends of mine have, and they have shown immeasurable courage when faced with seemingly impossible and terrifying situations. I sat in tears listening to these friends recount their stories. I had to ask them: ‘But how did you cope?’
Their answer: ‘You just do’.
This is so true, we find ourselves thrown into a situation, and we really don’t have time to get scared, or pensive, especially when there are little people who require our love and attention. We go into ‘auto-pilot’ mode. Our amazing ‘fight or flight’ instinct kicks in, and we do whatever we need to do, just to get through.
It doesn’t mean we’re not all heroes though, because it does require inordinate amounts of strength and courage to deal with certain situations, not least (as in the case of my two friends) with the very real prospect of death, and its tragic aftermath.
To my friends who have been through this recently, I salute you. I cannot imagine how you coped, but you did, and you’ve come out of it stronger and better people. Your families remain intact, and no doubt closer as a result of the drama you faced.
Life changing events have a habit of bringing us closer together and strengthening bonds with loved ones. We appreciate the small details of life much more, just because we know we’re lucky to even have a life at all.
As with my friends, the ‘drama’ is now over for me, and I’ve reached a place where I’m able to look back and see the positives which came out of the situation. I appreciate how lucky I am, how lucky I am to have three happy and healthy children, and how lucky we all are just to have each other. I certainly don’t take things for granted the way I used to.
My experience has also taught me to grow a thicker skin, I’m much more reticent now than I was in the past.
Petty squabbles no longer interest me. I avoid confrontation wherever I can. I don’t have the energy for it.
I have realized that my energies are better spent focusing on the good things in life, on the things which bring me joy, and on the things from which I can learn.
Sure, life is never going to be 100% perfect for any of us. There are always going to be certain situations which work out, and others which don’t go quite according to plan. But there are always things to be learned from every situation. Of that I’m sure.
My new motto: Don’t waste time peering into the gloom. Turn to the light, and smile.
When we’re going through hell, we are consumed by our own troubles, and our minds can focus on little else except surviving the current danger and getting ourselves back into a better place. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s a primitive inbuilt reaction and it is designed to motivate us to drive ourselves into a better place, to overcome the hurdles and regain life’s equilibrium. This is the cycle of life, and it happens again and again.
However, it doesn’t do any of us any harm, if once in a while, we take some time to get things into perspective, and look for the positives in life.
I have recently been humbled to learn about the experiences of friends of mine, who, whilst I was going through my (utterly trivial by comparison) woes, were suffering their own, much deeper distress.
Those of us who are lucky enough to be in good health just tend to take it for granted. I know I do. Of course I worry about falling ill, more so since I’ve been a parent. I often fret about what would happen to my children if anything ‘happened’ to me. Thankfully though, I have never been confronted with a situation where I’ve had to deal with this very frightening prospect.
Friends of mine have, and they have shown immeasurable courage when faced with seemingly impossible and terrifying situations. I sat in tears listening to these friends recount their stories. I had to ask them: ‘But how did you cope?’
Their answer: ‘You just do’.
This is so true, we find ourselves thrown into a situation, and we really don’t have time to get scared, or pensive, especially when there are little people who require our love and attention. We go into ‘auto-pilot’ mode. Our amazing ‘fight or flight’ instinct kicks in, and we do whatever we need to do, just to get through.
It doesn’t mean we’re not all heroes though, because it does require inordinate amounts of strength and courage to deal with certain situations, not least (as in the case of my two friends) with the very real prospect of death, and its tragic aftermath.
To my friends who have been through this recently, I salute you. I cannot imagine how you coped, but you did, and you’ve come out of it stronger and better people. Your families remain intact, and no doubt closer as a result of the drama you faced.
Life changing events have a habit of bringing us closer together and strengthening bonds with loved ones. We appreciate the small details of life much more, just because we know we’re lucky to even have a life at all.
As with my friends, the ‘drama’ is now over for me, and I’ve reached a place where I’m able to look back and see the positives which came out of the situation. I appreciate how lucky I am, how lucky I am to have three happy and healthy children, and how lucky we all are just to have each other. I certainly don’t take things for granted the way I used to.
My experience has also taught me to grow a thicker skin, I’m much more reticent now than I was in the past.
Petty squabbles no longer interest me. I avoid confrontation wherever I can. I don’t have the energy for it.
I have realized that my energies are better spent focusing on the good things in life, on the things which bring me joy, and on the things from which I can learn.
Sure, life is never going to be 100% perfect for any of us. There are always going to be certain situations which work out, and others which don’t go quite according to plan. But there are always things to be learned from every situation. Of that I’m sure.
My new motto: Don’t waste time peering into the gloom. Turn to the light, and smile.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Devil is in the Detail.......
I’m currently reading Dark Souls by Sarah Strudwick, and I’m struck by the blatant and brazen behaviour of her psychopathic ex, as described in the book. There were definite and tangible ‘red flag’ moments for her which she chose, at that time, to ignore for a range of personal reasons (mainly due to her past history of abuse and low self-esteem at the time she was in the relationship).
It struck me how very different our two exes were, yet at the same time so very similar in their thought processes and behaviour patterns. One is ‘in your face’ the other a ‘slow burner’ but both are equally as dangerous.
In my own relationship, there were also a great many red flags, but they were subtle enough for me to overlook at first. It wasn’t until time had passed and they built up that they became more obvious. There were lies and inconsistencies in the stories told to me, particularly relating to his past, but nothing that was so sensational, that it became instantly unbelievable. It was gradual.
There was nothing brash, brazen, or remotely violent about my experience. There was no anger, rarely a raised voice (from him) and at no point did I feel threatened by, or scared of, him.
At the time I knew nothing about passive aggressive behaviour and I’d never heard of gaslighting, so I inevitably believed that many of the problems were my own, and for the most part blamed myself for the persistent misery in which we lived.
When I look back now, I see my marriage to a psychopath like being in a psychological slow cooker. The ingredients for disaster were all there right from the very beginning, but it took time for the heat to really build up and the ensuing chaos to erupt. Even when it did, he remained calm, distant, cold and unassuming. A psychopath doesn’t need to be wielding his fists or a weapon to be dangerous. I feel that is a common misconception.
I knew I was on the ‘burner’ from very early on though. I could feel the heat building in the form of my own disquiet, and his growing distance and ultimate disdain. But the ‘light bulb moment’ only occurred at the very end when the whole world was crumbling around my ears.
The first ‘moment’ (as I describe in Web of Lies) came when he took money set aside to feed the children and booked a five star hotel to entertain his new girlfriend in. When I confronted him about this, he told me he felt entitled to a ‘break’ in a lap of five star luxury, despite the fact he knew we had no money to feed our kids. Upon realizing what he’d done, it occurred to me for the first time that the man had serious psychological issues. I knew no normal parent could do that to their own children, so it had to be that he wasn’t ‘normal’. This was the first time I considered he might be mentally unstable.
The second ‘moment’ came after the split when he seriously suggested we divide the children between us as though they were ornaments or assets of some sort. In that moment, when he made the suggestion, I looked into his eyes and saw there was nothing behind them. There was no ‘light’ there. And that’s when I knew I was dealing with a person without feeling or conscience. A person who could not love, or be loved.
After that, things started to finally fall into place, as I began to arm myself with knowledge and get therapy for the damage created by years on the ‘slow burner’.
As Dr David Holmes recently said to me about my books ;
“It’s so important to realise that these people do not visit the doctors and be diagnosed. They have to be identified and exposed by those close to them, which is hard, and anything that makes it easier will limit the damage done”
This is exactly why sites such as Waking You Up are needed to help men and women in relationships with these people to spot the red flags, and enable them to have their ‘light bulb moments’ before it’s too late. These men and women do not walk around with ‘I am a psychopath’ written across their foreheads. Only by learning how to spot the signs, and sharing our experiences, can we raise awareness of this problem in our society.
In some cases, these ‘light bulb moment’s come when we recognize our own frailties and weak points, and realize that we have become a magnet for a certain type of personality. Only by recognizing this in ourselves can we make the changes required to ensure we never allow another one of these people into our lives.
In other cases (like mine) the devil is literally hidden in the detail, and it can take time on the slow burner before we finally acknowledge and accept what we’re dealing with. As I said, the psychopath does not need to necessarily be a physical threat to pose a formidable danger to our well-being . The slow burners are equally as dangerous.
Wake up.
It struck me how very different our two exes were, yet at the same time so very similar in their thought processes and behaviour patterns. One is ‘in your face’ the other a ‘slow burner’ but both are equally as dangerous.
In my own relationship, there were also a great many red flags, but they were subtle enough for me to overlook at first. It wasn’t until time had passed and they built up that they became more obvious. There were lies and inconsistencies in the stories told to me, particularly relating to his past, but nothing that was so sensational, that it became instantly unbelievable. It was gradual.
There was nothing brash, brazen, or remotely violent about my experience. There was no anger, rarely a raised voice (from him) and at no point did I feel threatened by, or scared of, him.
At the time I knew nothing about passive aggressive behaviour and I’d never heard of gaslighting, so I inevitably believed that many of the problems were my own, and for the most part blamed myself for the persistent misery in which we lived.
When I look back now, I see my marriage to a psychopath like being in a psychological slow cooker. The ingredients for disaster were all there right from the very beginning, but it took time for the heat to really build up and the ensuing chaos to erupt. Even when it did, he remained calm, distant, cold and unassuming. A psychopath doesn’t need to be wielding his fists or a weapon to be dangerous. I feel that is a common misconception.
I knew I was on the ‘burner’ from very early on though. I could feel the heat building in the form of my own disquiet, and his growing distance and ultimate disdain. But the ‘light bulb moment’ only occurred at the very end when the whole world was crumbling around my ears.
The first ‘moment’ (as I describe in Web of Lies) came when he took money set aside to feed the children and booked a five star hotel to entertain his new girlfriend in. When I confronted him about this, he told me he felt entitled to a ‘break’ in a lap of five star luxury, despite the fact he knew we had no money to feed our kids. Upon realizing what he’d done, it occurred to me for the first time that the man had serious psychological issues. I knew no normal parent could do that to their own children, so it had to be that he wasn’t ‘normal’. This was the first time I considered he might be mentally unstable.
The second ‘moment’ came after the split when he seriously suggested we divide the children between us as though they were ornaments or assets of some sort. In that moment, when he made the suggestion, I looked into his eyes and saw there was nothing behind them. There was no ‘light’ there. And that’s when I knew I was dealing with a person without feeling or conscience. A person who could not love, or be loved.
After that, things started to finally fall into place, as I began to arm myself with knowledge and get therapy for the damage created by years on the ‘slow burner’.
As Dr David Holmes recently said to me about my books ;
“It’s so important to realise that these people do not visit the doctors and be diagnosed. They have to be identified and exposed by those close to them, which is hard, and anything that makes it easier will limit the damage done”
This is exactly why sites such as Waking You Up are needed to help men and women in relationships with these people to spot the red flags, and enable them to have their ‘light bulb moments’ before it’s too late. These men and women do not walk around with ‘I am a psychopath’ written across their foreheads. Only by learning how to spot the signs, and sharing our experiences, can we raise awareness of this problem in our society.
In some cases, these ‘light bulb moment’s come when we recognize our own frailties and weak points, and realize that we have become a magnet for a certain type of personality. Only by recognizing this in ourselves can we make the changes required to ensure we never allow another one of these people into our lives.
In other cases (like mine) the devil is literally hidden in the detail, and it can take time on the slow burner before we finally acknowledge and accept what we’re dealing with. As I said, the psychopath does not need to necessarily be a physical threat to pose a formidable danger to our well-being . The slow burners are equally as dangerous.
Wake up.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Learning & Looking Forwards......
Happy New year to one and all! May this year bring peace and contentment to all those who seek it.
For the Tate family, we go the year off to a good start. I've finally got the print version of Web Of Lies out. It's been a while coming, and we had some technical hitches along the way, but it's finally out, fully re-proofed and with a new cover for the print copies.
It's still available on smashwords and Kindle where it continues to do well.
From the feedback I'm getting, many of my European readers are relieved to see a print version out though. I think we prefer to have a 'real' book to read in bed of an evening. It's certainly nice as a first time Author to finally hold the finished book in your hand. I savoured that moment for sure!
And to go with the release of the book, there is a new look Homepage as well.
So it's a busy start to the year for me, with a whole round of publicity and marketing to organise and execute. As any writer knows, the work doesn't end when the book comes out - it begins! I'm on a learning curve again, but so far things are going well, and I'm happy with the inroads I'm making as I take my first tentative steps out of the comfort zone of 'Author' and into the uncharted territory of 'Marketeer'.
And amidst all the book promo work, and nine-to-five office work, and let's not forget my primary job as CEO, CCbw( Chief Cook and bottle washer), PEO(Primary Entertainment Organiser), CSG (Chief Security Guard) SFO (Soul Financial Officer) and EHG (Executive Hug-Giver) of 'Tate Inc, Switzerland' There must still surely be time to write another book.
Yes, you heard it, another book!
And this will be the test, because this book will be my first foray into the world of fiction. I know my characters well. They have been living with me for a couple of months now, (mostly in my head, but also on various bits of paper, my dicta-phone & my Iphone!), and in 2011 I hope you will meet them too.
Always learning, and looking forwards. That's my motto for 2011!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Exciting times ahead…..
It’s that time of year again. It’s a time when we reflect on times past, and look forward to the New Year ahead. 2010 has been a really great year for the Tate family. It didn’t start off so well, but when I think about how much has happened inside the space of the last twelve months I feel quite amazed at how much we have managed to pack into it all.
I finished writing my first book, Web of Lies, in January, and at the same time I began writing this blog in order to help me promote the book and help others through sharing my own experiences.
The road to publication has been a bumpy one. We managed to get Web of Lies out in E format by late August, but there have been many hiccups getting the print version ready. To all those who have waited patiently, I thank you. Hopefully all the problems have by now been ironed out and the print version should be available to order very soon. Watch this space........
Since setting up the website and the blog, I have met many interesting people who have really enriched my life and taught me so much about psychology, personality disorders, healing, therapy and counselling.
Many people who have contacted me have had experiences similar to my own. I’m glad these people have contacted me, and directed me to the many amazing support sites which exist to help the victims of psychopathic narcissists.
I’ve blogged about some of the great books and websites before, and you can also find my recommended reading list on my website
I have now also teamed up with a fantastic Author, Sarah Strudwick, who wrote the book Dark Souls,and together we have founded the website Waking You Up
The new site pulls a wealth of information together in order to help people BEFORE they become the victims of the psychopathic narcissist. It also addresses the recent APA announcement that NPD will be re-classified under the APD (psychopathic) label. Please visit the website for more information on these changes.
Dr David Holmes, Senior Psychology Lecturer and Director of the Forensic Research Group at Manchester Metropolitan University, said of Waking You Up
Waking-You-Up has the sole aim of helping to educate people about the dangers of psychopaths and hopefully expose some of the ‘red flags’ which we should all look out for when entering a new relationship.
We plan workshops for 2011, and we will team up with many well-known Psychologists and Authors in order to help spread the word and provide help and support for those who need it.
In addition to all that, my second book ‘Renaissance – A Journal of Discovery’ is now complete and will be ready to order in early 2011. The new book is a message of hope for all those who’ve found themselves affected by a destructive relationship, and it is my wish that it offers some much needed encouragement for anybody who has had to re-build their lives from scratch after escaping from the spider’s web.
For more information on the new book, check the website over the coming weeks.
So, there is much to look forward to in 2011!
In the meantime, my thoughts have turned to Christmas, snow, family, food & drink, and of course hearing my children’s laughter. Christmas is all about the kids after all, and I relish the thought of seeing the looks on their faces on Christmas morning after Santa has paid his visit. I intend to enjoy the time with close family and friends, and recuperate after our busy year.
2010 is ending on a high note.
Here’s hoping for more of the same next year too.
To everybody, I wish you a very Merry Christmas, and a peaceful 2011.
I finished writing my first book, Web of Lies, in January, and at the same time I began writing this blog in order to help me promote the book and help others through sharing my own experiences.
The road to publication has been a bumpy one. We managed to get Web of Lies out in E format by late August, but there have been many hiccups getting the print version ready. To all those who have waited patiently, I thank you. Hopefully all the problems have by now been ironed out and the print version should be available to order very soon. Watch this space........
Since setting up the website and the blog, I have met many interesting people who have really enriched my life and taught me so much about psychology, personality disorders, healing, therapy and counselling.
Many people who have contacted me have had experiences similar to my own. I’m glad these people have contacted me, and directed me to the many amazing support sites which exist to help the victims of psychopathic narcissists.
I’ve blogged about some of the great books and websites before, and you can also find my recommended reading list on my website
I have now also teamed up with a fantastic Author, Sarah Strudwick, who wrote the book Dark Souls,and together we have founded the website Waking You Up
The new site pulls a wealth of information together in order to help people BEFORE they become the victims of the psychopathic narcissist. It also addresses the recent APA announcement that NPD will be re-classified under the APD (psychopathic) label. Please visit the website for more information on these changes.
Dr David Holmes, Senior Psychology Lecturer and Director of the Forensic Research Group at Manchester Metropolitan University, said of Waking You Up
Congratulations! An excellent no nonsense website, which I will promote to students and others. As you state it is a growing issue of vital importance to the population at large who are reluctant to recognise the enemy within but increasingly reward even revere insensitivity to others.
The APA will always make changes - not always for the better - NPD tends to be distinguished from some psychopathic traits. My view is we need greater awareness by detailed understanding from cases and removing some of these 'lightbulb' recognition details may just cause identification to fail. As you say people may be reluctant to perceive husbands etc as 'antisocial' or 'psychopathic' as labels.
It’s so important to realise that these people do not visit the doctors and be diagnosed. They have to be identified and exposed by those close to them, which is hard, and anything that makes it easier will limit the damage done.
Waking-You-Up has the sole aim of helping to educate people about the dangers of psychopaths and hopefully expose some of the ‘red flags’ which we should all look out for when entering a new relationship.
We plan workshops for 2011, and we will team up with many well-known Psychologists and Authors in order to help spread the word and provide help and support for those who need it.
In addition to all that, my second book ‘Renaissance – A Journal of Discovery’ is now complete and will be ready to order in early 2011. The new book is a message of hope for all those who’ve found themselves affected by a destructive relationship, and it is my wish that it offers some much needed encouragement for anybody who has had to re-build their lives from scratch after escaping from the spider’s web.
For more information on the new book, check the website over the coming weeks.
So, there is much to look forward to in 2011!
In the meantime, my thoughts have turned to Christmas, snow, family, food & drink, and of course hearing my children’s laughter. Christmas is all about the kids after all, and I relish the thought of seeing the looks on their faces on Christmas morning after Santa has paid his visit. I intend to enjoy the time with close family and friends, and recuperate after our busy year.
2010 is ending on a high note.
Here’s hoping for more of the same next year too.
To everybody, I wish you a very Merry Christmas, and a peaceful 2011.
Friday, November 5, 2010
A quick word on 'Renaissance'
I stated in a blog post back in February that the epilogue for Web of Lies may well end up turning into a book of its own.
Well I was right, it has.
Like Web of Lies before it, Renaissance has taken on a life of its own. I’m not driving this book, it is driving me.
I began writing it in response to the many enquiries I’d received from readers regarding mine and the children’s well-being. My initial plan was to just write an update, to let everybody know that there is light at the end of the long, dark tunnel, and that I was now stepping out into it. I wanted everybody to know that the darkness doesn’t last forever, and that with time, patience, and the help of loved ones, you can overcome just about anything.
When I began to write though, it became apparent that the recovery message is every bit as powerful and relevant as the message about recognizing the abuse in the first place. It doesn't end when you make the break. If anything, escape is just the beginning.
Nothing can be rushed, that’s what I’ve learned these past few years. We go through certain processes as we move forward with our lives, recovery is one of those processes. And as long as we keep our minds open, accept our limitations, and recognize our potential, we will continue to evolve and grow as individuals, and we can achieve just about anything we want to.
Through writing Renaissance, I have also learned another very important lesson; namely, that to reach the light, we must sometimes re-visit the dark.
There is a ‘Therapist’ who features quite heavily in Renaissance. I visit her with regularity in the book (as I did in real life), and she advises and guides both me and the children towards recovery.
In Renaissance, the ‘Therapist’ has actually become the amalgamation of several different people I have met (and many I have not met, but merely corresponded with) along the road to recovery. And so, the ‘Therapist’ has evolved into a mechanism for explaining everything that I learned over the past three years.
Renaissance is not intended as a self-help book, there are plenty excellent ones about already, and they are written by people far better qualified that I am when it comes to educating the reader in what to expect and how to react. I simply wanted to describe the process I have experienced personally, and what I have gained from it. I have left the psychology to the experts, from whom I’ve learned so much during this journey. And so, my books are not psychological road-maps, they simply relay a real life story, and hopefully demonstrate that we, as ordinary people, can ALL do extraordinary things.
I hope that my portrayal of the ‘Therapist’ in this book pays suitable homage to all those people who have helped me and the kids along the recovery journey. I hope that the reader can learn from the ‘Therapist’, in the same way I have learned from friends, family, fellow authors, and experts in the field of psychology.
And with that, I shall return to my writing.
Well I was right, it has.
Like Web of Lies before it, Renaissance has taken on a life of its own. I’m not driving this book, it is driving me.
I began writing it in response to the many enquiries I’d received from readers regarding mine and the children’s well-being. My initial plan was to just write an update, to let everybody know that there is light at the end of the long, dark tunnel, and that I was now stepping out into it. I wanted everybody to know that the darkness doesn’t last forever, and that with time, patience, and the help of loved ones, you can overcome just about anything.
When I began to write though, it became apparent that the recovery message is every bit as powerful and relevant as the message about recognizing the abuse in the first place. It doesn't end when you make the break. If anything, escape is just the beginning.
Nothing can be rushed, that’s what I’ve learned these past few years. We go through certain processes as we move forward with our lives, recovery is one of those processes. And as long as we keep our minds open, accept our limitations, and recognize our potential, we will continue to evolve and grow as individuals, and we can achieve just about anything we want to.
Through writing Renaissance, I have also learned another very important lesson; namely, that to reach the light, we must sometimes re-visit the dark.
There is a ‘Therapist’ who features quite heavily in Renaissance. I visit her with regularity in the book (as I did in real life), and she advises and guides both me and the children towards recovery.
In Renaissance, the ‘Therapist’ has actually become the amalgamation of several different people I have met (and many I have not met, but merely corresponded with) along the road to recovery. And so, the ‘Therapist’ has evolved into a mechanism for explaining everything that I learned over the past three years.
Renaissance is not intended as a self-help book, there are plenty excellent ones about already, and they are written by people far better qualified that I am when it comes to educating the reader in what to expect and how to react. I simply wanted to describe the process I have experienced personally, and what I have gained from it. I have left the psychology to the experts, from whom I’ve learned so much during this journey. And so, my books are not psychological road-maps, they simply relay a real life story, and hopefully demonstrate that we, as ordinary people, can ALL do extraordinary things.
I hope that my portrayal of the ‘Therapist’ in this book pays suitable homage to all those people who have helped me and the kids along the recovery journey. I hope that the reader can learn from the ‘Therapist’, in the same way I have learned from friends, family, fellow authors, and experts in the field of psychology.
And with that, I shall return to my writing.
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