Writers in the Sky Pod Cast....:Web of Lies

Here's the link to my latest Pod Cast about Web of Lies........I'd like to thank Vonnie at Writers in the Sky for a great interview.

S

Ahhh, the old McCann....story....again......

Just looking at this for another piece of top class reporting......

The 52-year-old former detective has made a fortune selling a book and TV documentary claiming the young British girl is dead - and wrongly claiming her parents staged a cover-up.

Really Sky 'news'. Where is your 'source' for this?? How do you know he's 'made a fortune??? Figures please!

"Amaral has made the McCann family's life hell and he has made himself rich in the process," a family source said.

He's rich?? Are you sure Mr/Mrs 'Family Source.....because the man himself seems less sure of this 'fact'.....

This interview seems to present a different story.

Kate and Gerry want to stop him spouting his malicious lies about them and to stop him profiting from their pain, and the only way to do that is by going to court

Yep, I'm sure AMARAL probably feels the same way. Let's see what happens in court.

In their writ, the McCanns describe the now-retired detective as a self-obsessed, manipulative money-grabber with no morals.

This beggars belief!....SLANDER......MUCH????? We can say this about HIM, but not about THEM???? Why??????

They claim Mr Amaral's repeated insistence that their daughter is dead discouraged people from looking for her.

Tosh, utter tosh! We've all been hoping, praying, looking for four years. Of course she's most likely dead! Doesn't mean we've all given up hope. What utter rubbish and biased 'journalism' (and I use that word lightly!)

The couple also describe in detail the pain and anguish they say Mr Amaral caused them by repeatedly smearing them - saying his slurs left them "totally destroyed".

Hypocrites!! If it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander! Read about what happened to HIS life as a result of the Madeleine case.....oh, but you never see that in the UK press.....

She had been left sleeping in a holiday apartment as her parents dined with friends in a nearby tapas bar in the resort of Praia da Luz in southern Portugal.

And here we go, you finally report a true fact....which speaks for itself.

The country's attorney general Jose Pinto Monteiro has cleared the McCanns of any wrongdoing over Madeleine's disappearance.

Not true, it was merely concluded that there was not enough evidence to convict anybody....that's ANYBODY.

Nobody cleared, nobody convicted.

So the wonderful Sky News......the only question which remains for me to you is this.....who the heck is pulling your strings??? Oh sorry, dumb question........

Pump Up Your Book December promotions!

The Web of Lies 'virtual publicity tour' December 2011...coming to a blog near you

It's time to take Web of Lies on the virtual road!

From December 5th to 16th, we're taking the book on tour. Check out the Pump Up Your Book site for details.

There will be reviews, guest posts, and Author interviews. I'll also be taking part in the Annual Holiday Extravaganza on December 16th, live on Facebook. Check it out, and win a copy of Web of Lies.

See you on tour!

S x

Recommended book.....

I just finished reading Boy, am I mad? By Heather Taylor. I've known Heather for a while now, through online forums and Author resources.

Her book is an honest and raw account of how a dedicated teacher almost has her life ruined when a false allegation is made by a child. It's so frustrating to read what she had to endure as a result of this one false allegation. She describes how she was plummeted into the dark world of clinical reactionary depression. It's a heart rending story, and anybody who has ever suffered from depression, in any form, could probably relate to at least some of what this author went through.
It's tragic and frustrating to read about how a thirty year career was ruined in an instant, and it's shocking to think that this is a common occurrence. The knock-on effects of an allegation such as this are far reaching. The way the whole thing was handled was appalling.

Despite her deep depression, Heather manages to find the strength to fight back, and eventually re-gain some of her old life(although she is changed forever). My respect to Heather for sharing her story in this well written and captivating book. It takes courage to talk about depression. This book will be a useful tool for anybody who has suffered from it.

I want to get off........

I'm going to have a moan. I try not to do it too often. I can't stand the 'poor me' mentality, and I do like to think of myself as having a glass half-full, as opposed to half-empty. But sometimes, you just need to have a moan. It helps to lift the burden and ease the pressure.

Any working single mum will be able to relate to this moan. I want to moan (just for a couple of minutes)about the COST of being a single, working mum.

There is a threefold price to pay for all of us single mum's who are stuck on this treadmill. We all feel the frustration. It's that constant feeling of running uphill and not really getting anywhere. You try to do your best at your job, and you try to be the best mum on the planet, but ultimately you end up feeling as though you are spreading yourself too thinly, and failing miserably at both tasks. Sound familiar?

That's the emotional cost.

Then there's the physical cost.

I'm a bloody wreck most of the time. I don't mind admitting it. I'm shattered. Totally and utterly shattered. I'm in my PJ's by 8pm each night and invariably asleep by 10pm.

If anybody suggests I do something one evening after work, I have no choice but to politely decline. The batteries are all but empty by tea time.

And as for weekend socialising? You've got to be kidding! It's all I can do to drag the kids to the supermarket!

Finally there's the financial cost.

You'd think there would be a financial incentive for all us hard-done-by working mums. I mean, there has to be a reason for dragging ourselves to the office each day, doesn't there?

Sadly not, because the cost of childcare is so high, we're destined never to really benefit. The more you earn, the more you pay for the childcare. That's they way the 'machine' works. I guess it's the same the world over......*sigh*

So, why do we do it? Well, most of us simply don't have a choice. When you're left holding the baby(ies), you just have to get on with it. Somebody needs to support them, and why should it be my fellow tax payers? And, if I'm really honest (and heading back into glass-half-full territory again), I'd much rather be holding my babies, than not holding them. That would just be unthinkable.

So, I shouldn't really complain, should I?

OK, OK, I got it off my chest. I'll get back on again now.......

Thanks for listening x

When is a narcissist a psychopath?

I wrote in an old post once about the similarities between a sociopath (psychopath) and a narcissist. There aren't many differences, they are generally overlapping disorders.

The general consensus, however, is that ALL psychopaths are narcissistic, yet not all narcissists are psychopaths.

When I look back at my own experience as described in Web of Lies, it becomes clear which end of the scale my own experience was. As my therapist explained to me over a year ago, I was dealing with a narcissistic psychopath.

So, how can you tell the difference?

Well, a narcissist always seeks confirmation. He/she needs affirmation for everything they do. They look for sources of narcissistic supply and if they don't get approval from that source, they get mad, really mad. They can be sent into a narcissistic rage purely because their needs for affirmation are not being met.
A psychopath does not need this affirmation. He/she is so convinced of his/her superiority over others, that it really doesn't bother him/her if they are accepted, believed, or approved of.

I experienced this first hand when my ex was caught red-handed trying to screw over his employer by selling company secrets to a potential customer. He wasn't phased by the fact he could be about to face a criminal prosecution at all. Instead, he was genuinely amazed that anybody could believe he had deliberately perpetrated a criminal act, and poured public scorn on those who accused him, calling them 'idiots' and 'jealous fools'.

Whilst I reeled from the horror of our public ridicule, he simply got on with his life, secure in his belief that he had done no wrong, and the people who believed he was a criminal were mere idiots who didn't deserve a moment of his attention.

This is the sort of behaviour which differentiates a true psychopath from a narcissist.

Don't be lulled into any false sense of security though, a narcissist who isn't a psychopath is still a huge threat to your emotional well being. They are every bit as manipulative and controlling as a psychopath, and if they aren't getting the validation they so desperately crave, they can be equally as dangerous.

I found a good blog post about dealing with narcissists here. The crux of it is, there is no dealing with them. If you're involved with one, get the hell out as soon as you can.

There is an incredibly fine line between narcissism and psychopathy. But, in my opinion, at the end of the day the label is less important. What's important is the effect it's going to have on you, the victim.

Whichever disorder you are dealing with, you are in danger. There is no safe way to remain in a relationship with a person who has no conscience. The only solution is to escape.

There is no rehabilitation for this disorder, and the vast majority of those who have it, are walking amongst us.

Don't wait.

What's with all this 'ask the Universe' stuff?

I think I’m being a bit too negative of late, maybe just in general.

Somebody told me years ago that if I were to 'ask the Universe' for what I wanted, then the Universe would deliver.

Well, it certainly didn’t deliver anything into my bank balance, in fact, the opposite happened. Did I ask in the wrong way?

I did ask for some peace, and I’ll have to say that shortly thereafter a very destructive force was removed (or removed itself) from my life. That was a blessing, for sure. Clearly I asked in the right way on that occasion.

Since then, it seems all my requests have fallen upon deaf ears. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I’m hoping for some security, prosperity, good health for my family and the families of loved ones, and hope for the future.

It seems recently there have been a series of blows……and I’m fast losing faith in the ‘ask the Universe’ stuff.

Any experts out there who are inclined to tell me where I’m going wrong, and help myself and my readers find the ‘right’ way to ask? Because for me, it's just not working.......

Feel free to post me an article and I’ll re-post here.

Revisited....the Devil is in the detail.....

I’m currently reading Dark Souls by Sarah Strudwick, and I’m struck by the blatant and brazen behaviour of her psychopathic ex, as described in the book. There were definite and tangible ‘red flag’ moments for her which she chose, at that time, to ignore for a range of personal reasons (mainly due to her past history of abuse and low self-esteem at the time she was in the relationship).

It struck me how very different our two exes were, yet at the same time so very similar in their thought processes and behaviour patterns. One is ‘in your face’ the other a ‘slow burner’ but both are equally as dangerous.

In my own relationship, there were also a great many red flags, but they were subtle enough for me to overlook at first. It wasn’t until time had passed and they built up that they became more obvious. There were lies and inconsistencies in the stories told to me, particularly relating to his past, but nothing that was so sensational, that it became instantly unbelievable. It was gradual.

There was nothing brash, brazen, or remotely violent about my experience. There was no anger, rarely a raised voice (from him) and at no point did I feel threatened by, or scared of, him.

At the time I knew nothing about passive aggressive behaviour and I’d never heard of gaslighting, so I inevitably believed that many of the problems were my own, and for the most part blamed myself for the persistent misery in which we lived.

When I look back now, I see my marriage to a psychopath like being in a psychological slow cooker. The ingredients for disaster were all there right from the very beginning, but it took time for the heat to really build up and the ensuing chaos to erupt. Even when it did, he remained calm, distant, cold and unassuming. A psychopath doesn’t need to be wielding his fists or a weapon to be dangerous. I feel that is a common misconception.

I knew I was on the ‘burner’ from very early on though. I could feel the heat building in the form of my own disquiet, and his growing distance and ultimate disdain. But the ‘light bulb moment’ only occurred at the very end when the whole world was crumbling around my ears.

The first ‘moment’ (as I describe in Web of Lies) came when he took money set aside to feed the children and booked a five star hotel to entertain his new girlfriend in. When I confronted him about this, he told me he felt entitled to a ‘break’ in a lap of five star luxury, despite the fact he knew we had no money to feed our kids. Upon realizing what he’d done, it occurred to me for the first time that the man had serious psychological issues. I knew no normal parent could do that to their own children, so it had to be that he wasn’t ‘normal’. This was the first time I considered he might be mentally unstable.

The second ‘moment’ came after the split when he seriously suggested we divide the children between us as though they were ornaments or assets of some sort. In that moment, when he made the suggestion, I looked into his eyes and saw there was nothing behind them. There was no ‘light’ there. And that’s when I knew I was dealing with a person without feeling or conscience. A person who could not love, or be loved.

After that, things started to finally fall into place, as I began to arm myself with knowledge and get therapy for the damage created by years on the ‘slow burner’.

As Dr David Holmes recently said to me about my books ;

“It’s so important to realise that these people do not visit the doctors and be diagnosed. They have to be identified and exposed by those close to them, which is hard, and anything that makes it easier will limit the damage done”

This is exactly why sites such as Waking You Up are needed to help men and women in relationships with these people to spot the red flags, and enable them to have their ‘light bulb moments’ before it’s too late. These men and women do not walk around with ‘I am a psychopath’ written across their foreheads. Only by learning how to spot the signs, and sharing our experiences, can we raise awareness of this problem in our society.

In some cases, these ‘light bulb moment’s come when we recognize our own frailties and weak points, and realize that we have become a magnet for a certain type of personality. Only by recognizing this in ourselves can we make the changes required to ensure we never allow another one of these people into our lives.

In other cases (like mine) the devil is literally hidden in the detail, and it can take time on the slow burner before we finally acknowledge and accept what we’re dealing with. As I said, the psychopath does not need to necessarily be a physical threat to pose a formidable danger to our well-being . The slow burners are equally as dangerous.

Wake up.

Letting go......

.....is sometimes the hardest thing to do. I think this point has been driven home to me this week. I've been trying for a 'mere' three years to let go of my toxic relationship. Others have been struggling for a far greater length of time.

It's amazing, no, astonishing....the depth of destruction that a toxic relationship can leave it it's wake.

You think you're suffering, then you hear from somebody else who has suffered longer, and harder, than you have yourself.

The trail of destruction left by a psychopath is immeasurable. The hurt, anguish, psychological harm, is actually phenomenal.

What can we do to protect ourselves?

I wish I knew. I just hope that my experience can help the ones who are going through the same hell now. Or maybe it can help the ones who have been through the same, or even worse, and need a helping hand with achieving the elusive 'closure' we all seek.


Maybe, if we work together, we can find a way to overcome the harm, the damage they have caused.

Closure will come when we truly know it wasn't anything WE did, which caused this to happen.

A tribute.........

It’s time to begin again….

On June 25th, 2011, my world changed forever. Not only my world, but also the worlds of my children, my mother, my brother and his family, and my sister, and her family too.
Death, when it comes suddenly and without warning, will take our collective breath away, and leave us bereft and distraught.
Everything stopped for me. I went into ‘auto-pilot’ mode, and have been that way ever since. I function, but I do not live. I exist, but there is no joy. This is a non-sustainable state of affairs. My dad would not want me to be so unhappy. I need to think about his life, what he achieved, and the example he set to me…….

So, Dad, this is what you taught me……..

None of us is perfect, not even you. We all stand up for our mistakes and move on from them as best we can.
Truth is imperative in this life. We do not lie, and we do not cheat.
Money is important, but self-belief and education are more so. Success is measured not in financial wealth, but in emotional as well as financial stability.
Don’t suffer fools gladly……not ever. If your gut says they’re fakes…….they’re fakes.
Stand up for your family. They are all that matters. Be there for them, no matter what.
Be proud of your kids. They may make mistakes, but as a parent, it’s your duty to love and respect their decisions…..even when you know they’re wrong.
Honour your partner. Stand by her/him through thick and thin (unless you’re married to a nutter)
Love your family: Your kids, and grand kids, are the product of you. Love them to the ends of the earth.
Be true to yourself: Pursue the things that matter to you, and live a fulfilled life.
Do what you can for others: Help those who need you. Support where you can. Get involved in your community. Be a pillar for others.


Dad, you did all this, and much, much more. You were not a perfect man (nobody is) but by golly you came close. What a Dad, what a Granddad. I rue the day I ever complained about your minimal faults. What I wouldn’t give to have one more day with you. To remind you how much you meant to us all. To thank you for all the support you gave us all. And to tell you, that you were one of the best Dad's ever.....

You will always be our hero. But it's time for us to look forwards now. You'll always be with us, but we have to move on. Suspended animation is not sustainable.

I'm going to try. We're going to try. To move on. xxxx

But we still love you Dad xxxx


xxxx

Another great review for Web of Lies......

Check out the BK Walker Books blog here

Web of Lies - My Life with a Narcissist was an unbelievable read. The entire time I was reading, I wanted to reach in the pages and tell Sarah to get out now!

Moving to a new country, starting a new life, Sarah thought she was in for a brand new fresh start. After arriving to work, she meets Bill. Not instantly attracted to Bill, she can't help but to be swept up by his charm. He's writing her songs, taking her on extravagant getaways. She thought he was going to be her life and eventually she married him.

What she soon learned though, was lie after lie by Bill, things started to not add up. He was always on the lookout for his next big riches, not having work for months even years at a time. He was being sued for money every time Sarah turned around. She kept faith in Bill though, standing by his side knowing that he would provide.

Then came their first child. Bill doted on their daughter Lucy from the moment she was born. Sarah had no idea how to be a Mom, and was feeling a little distraught about it. Financially things didn't change though. Sarah was starting to worry she would not be able to feed her child, especially after the next one came.

Now Bill is working out of their basement in yet another new home, going to make his millions on the internet. More and more time he spends on the computer, and more and more he and Sarah drift apart. Depression sets in, and Bill's excuses are never ending.

Deciding writing her poetry would help, Sarah has Bill build her a website. It gets off the ground with a great start, members consistently joining. Now Bill is into this website, and is no longer working on his millions, but chatting online with people from Sarah's new poetry site.

Less and less time with the children, Sarah becomes agitated. In an effort to save their marriage, she tries to make it work with Bill, and romances him, thinking she is not doting on him enough and plans for another baby. While is excited about being a father again, what she soon finds out is that on his next "important" business trip, he is not alone.

This in turn causes Sarah to start investigating Bill's past. What she learns sickens her to no end and forces her mind to a decision...she will divorce this man.

This was such a moving story. The hardship and total ruins that this woman had to face was just astounding. It stands true that cycles always repeat, but Sarah had no idea what this man was doing to her. It's sad to know that their is a disease such as this out there and half the people don't even realize they have a problem. Much like addiction. Bill Tate took advantage of lonely souls, one right after another. When Sarah started questioning his every move, Bill knew it was time to move on.

Luckily Sarah got out before it ruined her. Bill's actions actually took the life of his poor wife before Sarah, and his lies never ceased to amaze. Kudos to Sarah for escaping her demise.

Web of Lies Goodreads giveaway........

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Web of Lies - My Life with a Narcissist

by Sarah Tate

Giveaway ends August 03, 2011.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter to win

A farewell poem....

I adapted this from a poem I found online. The original Author is unknown.

Don't grieve for me, from pain I'm free
I followed the path that was laid, you see.

I knew it was time, I heard the call
I turned around and left it all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found peace on a sunny day.

And though my passing has caused you sorrow
Remember my life, and look to tomorrow

We shared a family; we shared our dreams
The ups and downs, of life’s extremes

I watched my children grow, and love
Seven beautiful grandchildren, sent from above

My life's been full, I've savoured much,
Good family, good times, a loved one's touch.

I knew I was blessed, I was happy with life
I loved my children, I loved my wife

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your hearts, raise a glass to me,
It was my time From pain I'm free.

Pathological lying and the Casey Anthony case....

Given my curiosity about the field of abnormal psychology, I’ve found myself taking more than a passing interest in the Casey Anthony case. Yesterday I read a fantastic blog about the pathology of Casey.

It’s difficult, no, impossible, for a ‘normal’ person to comprehend how a mother could possibly do the things she is accused of. As parents, it goes against every grain of our being, and we find it impossible to reconcile that another parent could even consider harming their child and then try to cover it up.

Obviously, the case is on-going, and nothing is proven ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ yet, but let’s face it, the evidence against her is powerful, and it’s stacking up by the day.

Here is a mother, who’s child was missing, and she didn’t even report it to the police. Instead she went out partying, and refused to contact her parents. In the end, it was the grandparents who reported the child missing, almost a month after she was last seen alive. Casey’s reason for not reporting the child missing? She was ‘dealing with it herself’.

Subsequently, Casey created the most fantastic series of lies imaginable, and repeated them over and over, each time adding more layers to her web of deceit. Did she really believe her own lies? Doubtful. She just wanted (and expected) everybody else to believe them. Because she genuinely believed she could fool everybody. She felt in control, and in charge. She never thought it would unravel. Psychopaths never do.

I don’t need to go into the details of the case, they are feely available on the internet, and the trial is streamed live on various websites daily. It’s addictive viewing, similar to the OJ trial all those years ago. We cannot help but be fascinated with the details of the case, and in my case, the (dys)functionality of this woman’s mind.

I watched her reactions in court as the graphic photographs of her daughters remains were displayed for the jury to view. Not once did she look up, but she grew paler by the minute, her head bowing further and further until it was eventually resting on the desk in front of her.

Was this remorse we were witnessing? Unlikely. People who tell lies tend to feel remorse for them. People who are pathological liars tend not to feel any remorse at all. Sociopaths and psychopaths don’t know remorse. They don’t know guilt. The bowing of the head was most probably to mask her own emotion as she realised she really isn’t going to get away with this.

To a psychopath, the only thing in the world which is unbelievable, is when they are not believed.

The defence is (now) trying to argue that Caylee (the daughter) was killed accidentally, and that the death was covered up by Casey under the guidance (no, bullying) of her ex-cop father, who abused her (as did her brother-apparently). This is about as believable as Casey’s tales of ‘Zannie the Nanny’, the person she first claimed abducted her daughter.

Now, not all liars are psychopaths. There is such a disorder as compulsive lying syndrome’ and this is quite different from pathological lying. This syndrome can be treated. The people who have this syndrome don’t tend to hurt anybody except themselves with their lies.

But the fact is, ALL psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists are pathological liars. Lying is part of their personality disorder. They lie without thought, without conscience, and without regret. They lie consciously and with malicious intent. They lie to gain control and manipulate.
They can come out with the most fantastic and unbelievable stories, yet they are relentless in their conviction that people will swallow their lies. This is because they steadfastly believe that they are better than everybody else. Their feelings of grandiosity preclude them from realising how ridiculous they sometimes sound. They are lulled into security by seeing how their superficial charm can work on people, and that their lies really are believed (at least in the beginning) by their unsuspecting victims. It’s unlikely that this type of lying can be treated, unless, like Casey Anthony, they end up in prison after committing a crime, and even then, it’s a long shot that they can be ‘rehabilitated’.

Not all psychopaths turn into cold blooded murderers. But of course, some do.

In the case of Casey Anthony, we have a murdered child and a mother who is a proven pathological liar with clear psychopathic tendencies. It’s not going to be easy for the defence.


I suspect the best the defence can do now is to ride this out, and come up with as many diversions and distractions as possible (confusion is good) to try to spare Casey the death penalty.

Use, or Abuse, of 'the system' ?

Today I was told I have a 'choice' to either stay at home and be a mother to my children, or to go out to work to feed us all.

Actually, I don't have a choice. I HAVE to go to work.

Why? Because there is nobody to support us financially if I don't, and despite what some people seem to believe, man cannot live on love alone.

My kids need my love and nurturing, but they also need a roof over their heads and clothes to keep them warm. Sadly, these things do not come for free.

When I was left high and dry, and without two pennies to rub together, I was forced to go, begging bowl in hand, to the social services. Thank goodness for State support to help people out when they unexpectedly fall on hard times. I was truly grateful for the assistance we received. Without it we would have been sunk.

I talk a great deal in Renaissance about how I was subsequently treated by the Swiss 'system'. I was forced to hand my children over to strangers to go out and work for a living. I didn't feel ready to do it, and it's certainly not what I had planned to do when I made the decision to have children.

But the Swiss 'system' is designed to help those in dire need, and not as a mechanism for certain people to have their lifestyle choice subsidised by the hard work of others. In Switzerland, you are encouraged to work for your benefits, and to pay them back once you're back on your feet.

I was devastated to have to give my children up whilst they were still so young. I was, and remain, jealous of the child minder, for she gets to spend as much time with them as I do.

But on the flip-side, returning to work has given me something back which I thought I'd never regain; my self respect.

We are now in a situation where we don't have to rely on State support. I provide fully for my family, in every way. This makes me immensely proud, and it teaches my children a work ethic they might otherwise not have been taught so soon.

We treasure the time we have together. All our family time is pure 'quality' time, and the material possessions we have are all paid for with my honest wage. It's been a struggle, and I won't pretend it's easy. It's bloody hard work. But at the end of the day, it's necessary. There simply is no choice in the matter, at least that's how I see it.

If I were to choose to live off the State indefinitely, I don't think I could feel as proud as I do. I'm now grateful that the Swiss system got me back into the workplace when it did. It was a push in the right direction. I'm happy to pay into the system, and I was grateful to have it to fall back on in my hour of need. But I'm also glad that I'm not expected to fund other peoples lifestyle choices either. I believe if you're lucky enough to procreate and can support your family yourself, then it's absolutely fine to stay at home. But where's the self respect in staying at home and expecting others to fund you?

Is that not abusing the system?

from the archives....... a word about Renaissance.....

I stated in a blog post back in February 2010 that the epilogue for Web of Lies may well end up turning into a book of its own.

Well I was right, it did.

Like Web of Lies before it, Renaissance took on a life of its own. I didn't drive this book, it drove me.

I began writing it in response to the many enquiries I’d received from readers regarding mine and the children’s well-being. My initial plan was to just write an update, to let everybody know that there is light at the end of the long, dark tunnel, and that I was now stepping out into it. I wanted everybody to know that the darkness doesn’t last forever, and that with time, patience, and the help of loved ones, you can overcome just about anything.

When I began to write though, it became apparent that the recovery message is every bit as powerful and relevant as the message about recognizing the abuse in the first place. It doesn't end when you make the break. If anything, escape is just the beginning.

Nothing can be rushed, that’s what I’ve learned these past few years. We go through certain processes as we move forward with our lives, recovery is one of those processes. And as long as we keep our minds open, accept our limitations, and recognize our potential, we will continue to evolve and grow as individuals, and we can achieve just about anything we want to.

Through writing Renaissance, I have also learned another very important lesson; namely, that to reach the light, we must sometimes re-visit the dark.

There is a ‘Therapist’ who features quite heavily in Renaissance. I visit her with regularity in the book (as I did in real life), and she advises and guides both me and the children towards recovery.

In Renaissance, the ‘Therapist’ has actually become the amalgamation of several different people I have met (and many I have not met, but merely corresponded with) along the road to recovery. And so, the ‘Therapist’ has evolved into a mechanism for explaining everything that I learned over the past three years.

Renaissance is not intended as a self-help book, there are plenty excellent ones about already, and they are written by people far better qualified that I am when it comes to educating the reader in what to expect and how to react. I simply wanted to describe the process I have experienced personally, and what I have gained from it. I have left the psychology to the experts, from whom I’ve learned so much during this journey. And so, my books are not psychological road-maps, they simply relay a real life story, and hopefully demonstrate that we, as ordinary people, can ALL do extraordinary things.

I hope that my portrayal of the ‘Therapist’ in this book pays suitable homage to all those people who have helped me and the kids along the recovery journey. I hope that the reader can learn from the ‘Therapist’, in the same way I have learned from friends, family, fellow authors, and experts in the field of psychology.

Renaissance is now out on Kindle and Smashwords

new look Web of Lies...May 2011, for just $2.99 on Smashwords!

Get it while you can!

Renaissance - The Trailer......

You can find out all about Renaissance here

It will go on sale in April. Check back here for more details!

Smashwords special offer, for one month.....

For all you avid Ebook readers!

You can get 30% off Web of Lies at SMASHWORDS for the next month, by giving in the following coupon code:

ME38J

Happy reading!

Sarah

Book giveaway Web of Lies.....hurry if you want to win!

Do you want to win a FREE copy of my book? If so, don't miss the Goodreads book give-away competition. There are only a few books available, so hurry if you want the chance to win!

Good luck!

Sarah

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Web of Lies - My Life with a Narcissist

by Sarah Tate

Giveaway ends March 18, 2011.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter to win

C-PTSD - when pain is like a boomerang

Many people have contacted me recently to ask me about recovery and what is the time scale for this.
There is no answer to that question. Recovery cannot be measured in time, it is a variable entity, which can one minute appear to have been achieved, and the next minute, appear to elude us completely.

Many people who have suffered in a long term toxic relationship experience what is known in psychology circles as ‘Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or C-PTSD.

Whereas Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is usually the result of a one off major event or occurrence, C-PTSD is known to be caused after a person has suffered a long-term situation where he/she has felt a ‘loss of control’ due to emotional, or physical abuse, kidnapping, imprisonment, or long term exposure to unpleasant or crisis situations.
C-PTSD is, therefore, caused when a person has experienced sustained periods of extreme stress. Anybody who has been in a toxic relationship knows how prolonged and extreme that stress can be.
Don’t underestimate C-PTSD and the effects it can have on your life for many years after escape from the oppressive situation or toxic relationship.
C-PTSD is a psychological injury, and in the same way as a physical injury, it needs to be treated and healed over time. In many cases, it will recur, and you must always be aware of it, and how it can affect you and your relationships.
If you suspect you might be suffering from this illness, here are some of the classic symptoms:

• Feelings of dread or horror
• Feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, shame and guilt
• Hypervigilence
• Prone to bouts of depression
• Using alcohol, or drugs, to ‘block out’ the pain
• Insomnia
• Fits of rage
• Low self-esteem, which may even lead to self-harming
• Development of eating disorders
• Feeling ‘out of control’
• Blaming yourself for everything/ feeling you’re letting everybody down
• Loss of memory
• Feeling small, insignificant, or invisible
• Chronic fatigue

Of course, these symptoms may vary from person to person in both intensity and degree, but if you have been in a toxic relationship, and are now experiencing any of the above symptoms, then the chances are, that you are suffering from C-PTSD.

What can you do?

Be kind to yourself! It’s important to understand that you have been psychologically wounded, and that these wounds will take time and patience to heal. Recognizing the problem is a good first step, but you are going to need to get professional help in order to really deal with it fully.
Get the help of a professional counsellor or psychiatrist. In many cases, both medication and long term therapy will be required. Don’t be afraid to go and seek this out. There’s no shame in admitting we need some support from time to time.

Therapy should include help with the following:

Learning about ‘triggers’ which are likely to send you emotionally off course.
C-PTSD is associated with feelings of powerlessness. In a toxic relationship, a person has often found themselves trapped in impossible situations for prolonged periods of time, and this leaves scars on the mind. Emotional ‘triggers’ can be anything which remind us of the feelings of helplessness we once had. Anything can trigger an adverse reaction, but over time you will learn to recognize which situations tend to trigger you, and then you can learn to avoid them, or at least be prepared for the reaction you are likely to have.

Relapse Prevention: Learning how to address the urges to self-harm, use alcohol, have anger outbursts etc. Relapses can continue to take place many years after removal from the situation has occurred. The mind is a very powerful machine, it is intricate and complex. We are wired like computers and keeping the mind balanced can be tough when we’re presented with stresses and strains. We may bury or suppress emotions for many years, only to have them rear their heads again without warning. This can happen to all of us. It doesn’t mean we are weak, and it can be managed, so don’t give up hope.

Learning to deal with our emotions: The emotions experienced by a C-PTSD sufferer are intense and sometimes terrifying. This is due to the hyper vigilance caused by the psychological injury we have sustained. Dealing with the emotions can be hard, but it must be learned. It’s so important not to bury them or try to hide from them. A good therapist will use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT to help you to come to terms with these feelings.

Most importantly, you need to learn and understand that what happened was beyond your control. You didn’t cause it to happen, and you most certainly didn’t deserve for it to happen.

You also need to accept that it happened, and that the toxic situation can never be recovered or ‘repaired’. All you can do is learn, and move on. Accept also that it will not happen overnight, and that there is no miracle cure. It will take you a lot of hard work and determination to recover, and there will be pitfalls along the way. It can seem like such a mammoth task when you’re being overwhelmed with all the negative emotions C-PTSD brings. But rest assured it IS recoverable.

Also, be aware that C-PTSD is NOT a personality disorder. It has sometimes been (wrongly) linked to BPD, but this is mis-information! As I said before, it is an INJURY and has nothing to do with a personality disorder.

For more information/advice on C-PTSD, go here

But don't rely on the internet, get some support!

xx

for my little man.....

who is now FOUR!!



Oh little man
You've changed my life
I ache each time you smile
You bring such joy
My baby boy
Make everything worthwhile

And even though
You're still so small
You radiate such light
Those eyes of blue
Love shining through
For me
A wondrous sight

Each day you change
In some small way
I dare not miss a thing
Ten tiny toes
Cute button nose
A laugh to make me sing

I touch your skin
So soft and pure
You lie inside my arms
To keep you here
Away from fear
I can't resist your charms

Your cheeky grin
Can make me smile
It has the power to heal
Your laugh, so pure
I do adore
Your mischief I can feel

I stand in awe
My gorgeous boy
My little man, my son
Sent from above
With so much love
My sunshine, you're the one





Love you, my sunshine xxxx

The second Writers's Platform - Building Crusade.

Well done to Rach Writes for having this amazing idea.

I've been busy adding all the wonderful new writers out there! Good luck to you all!

Guest Post by Sarah Strudwick, Author of 'Dark Souls'

Why I wrote Dark Souls - Healing and Recovering from Toxic Relationships


I was asked recently by a colleague and friend after getting so much flack for writing Dark Souls to remain focussed on the reasons why I wrote it and not to get sidetracked by their own hidden agendas. Don't get me wrong I have had many people share positive experiences about how much the book has helped them but no one would have wanted Dark Souls to get published moreso than those people who are disordered themselves. Unfortunately its those very people whom I have have spent my life trying to get away from that I had to defend myself against, although now I have the ability to stand in my power and say No to those who criticise and judge me for having the guts to speak out.

Victims have been emailing me over the year and sharing their own stories and a few have asked me if I would be doing speaking events. Occasionally I will share their stories on the website with their permission.

I had originally planned on doing talks and lectures to educate people about the psychopathic type personality but I often sidetrack myself with other work as I have a fear of speaking in front of large groups of people. This was apparent a couple of years ago when I decided to enter a competition called Britain's Next Top Coach and the mere thought of speaking to more than a handful of people would start to make me feel quite nervous.

In all honesty I wrote Dark Souls after spending years around psychopathic and narcissistic type personalities and I guess after meeting Oliver without ever before knowing what a disordered personality was, Oliver was the straw that broke the Donkeys back. I made a decision there and then, after I asked him to go, that I never wanted another person to have go through what I had with these insidious individuals and end up being victimized. Its bad enough being victimised by a narcissist who is a little easier to spot that a psychopath whereas with a psychopathic type you don't realise you are being victimized until its too late. As Sarah Tate a fellow author wrote in the Devil is in the Detail, there appears to be two types. One is “in your face” whereas the other is a “slow burner". Either type are just as dangerous and neither have the ability to feel any kind of empathy for their victims.

My other reasons for writing Dark Souls was to educate people and give them the tools that I wish I had had many years ago as a child. I am hoping that one day I can write a book that teenagers can read at school and learn how not to be victimised by sociopaths before it happens. You cannot change the nature of the beast but you can change your reactions towards them by being prepared and armed with information that will help you spot predators in the first place.

And finally, I wrote Dark Souls because most women and men who have been burned by these people are left emotionally, and spiritually broken. That coupled with the fact that they are usually financially ruined. They often don't have the money they need to spend on getting themselves healed because they are too busy dealing with the financial aftermath of the relationship. I wanted to give the readers some tools they could use immediately to get them out of victim mode and start their journey into recovery. Depending on the victims mindset at the time that the relationship ends and whether or not they have children to support (most psychopathic types leave their partners and offer no financial support to their spouses). The last thing on the persons mind is to pay for counselling/support when their priority is feeding their children.

Since writing Dark Souls last year its been a real eye opener for me. I have realised that there is a whole can of worms that I hadn't even realised my ex was up too along with all the other things I wrote about in the book. The more I uncover the more it amazes and baffles me. However rather than spending time wondering why he did this or that I return my focus back to myself and my own family and how I can move on and rebuild my own life.

For those that have already read Dark Souls and other books on disordered personalities and healing that I have recommended on the book page such as those by Sarah Tate and George Simon. The whole process of discovering their lies and healing is like a jigsaw puzzle. Before you discover books on narcissism, sociopathy and Cluster B's,its a bit like a person doing a jigsaw puzzle in the dark. You know there's something wrong, you know where the next piece is but you just cant quite put your finger on it. Suddenly the light goes on and you have a lightbulb moment. Once you have discovered all the pieces and put them back together piece by piece, you look back and have a much clearer picture of what has happened and then you finally realise throughout all the craziness that you weren't the one that was crazy, they were.

Most authors of books on psychopathy ,sociopathy, narcissism and the psychopathic type unless of course they are narcissists themselves will normally always have the same agenda. To ensure that others don't have to endure what they went through. For example when George Simon and other professionals like Dr Robert Hare who have developed the psychopathy checklist wrote their books they may not have been victims but they would have written because the old models that worked before are no longer working. Victims like Sarah Tate and myself wrote our books because we just wanted our message out there in the hope that others would eventually see through the mask of their abusers and not get victimised like we were.

Looking on the bright side.............

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all the experiences I’ve had during the last few years of my life, it’s that there are positives to be drawn from even what seem to be the darkest of situations.

When we’re going through hell, we are consumed by our own troubles, and our minds can focus on little else except surviving the current danger and getting ourselves back into a better place. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s a primitive inbuilt reaction and it is designed to motivate us to drive ourselves into a better place, to overcome the hurdles and regain life’s equilibrium. This is the cycle of life, and it happens again and again.

However, it doesn’t do any of us any harm, if once in a while, we take some time to get things into perspective, and look for the positives in life.
I have recently been humbled to learn about the experiences of friends of mine, who, whilst I was going through my (utterly trivial by comparison) woes, were suffering their own, much deeper distress.

Those of us who are lucky enough to be in good health just tend to take it for granted. I know I do. Of course I worry about falling ill, more so since I’ve been a parent. I often fret about what would happen to my children if anything ‘happened’ to me. Thankfully though, I have never been confronted with a situation where I’ve had to deal with this very frightening prospect.

Friends of mine have, and they have shown immeasurable courage when faced with seemingly impossible and terrifying situations. I sat in tears listening to these friends recount their stories. I had to ask them: ‘But how did you cope?’
Their answer: ‘You just do’.

This is so true, we find ourselves thrown into a situation, and we really don’t have time to get scared, or pensive, especially when there are little people who require our love and attention. We go into ‘auto-pilot’ mode. Our amazing ‘fight or flight’ instinct kicks in, and we do whatever we need to do, just to get through.
It doesn’t mean we’re not all heroes though, because it does require inordinate amounts of strength and courage to deal with certain situations, not least (as in the case of my two friends) with the very real prospect of death, and its tragic aftermath.

To my friends who have been through this recently, I salute you. I cannot imagine how you coped, but you did, and you’ve come out of it stronger and better people. Your families remain intact, and no doubt closer as a result of the drama you faced.
Life changing events have a habit of bringing us closer together and strengthening bonds with loved ones. We appreciate the small details of life much more, just because we know we’re lucky to even have a life at all.

As with my friends, the ‘drama’ is now over for me, and I’ve reached a place where I’m able to look back and see the positives which came out of the situation. I appreciate how lucky I am, how lucky I am to have three happy and healthy children, and how lucky we all are just to have each other. I certainly don’t take things for granted the way I used to.

My experience has also taught me to grow a thicker skin, I’m much more reticent now than I was in the past.

Petty squabbles no longer interest me. I avoid confrontation wherever I can. I don’t have the energy for it.

I have realized that my energies are better spent focusing on the good things in life, on the things which bring me joy, and on the things from which I can learn.
Sure, life is never going to be 100% perfect for any of us. There are always going to be certain situations which work out, and others which don’t go quite according to plan. But there are always things to be learned from every situation. Of that I’m sure.

My new motto: Don’t waste time peering into the gloom. Turn to the light, and smile.

The Devil is in the Detail.......

I’m currently reading Dark Souls by Sarah Strudwick, and I’m struck by the blatant and brazen behaviour of her psychopathic ex, as described in the book. There were definite and tangible ‘red flag’ moments for her which she chose, at that time, to ignore for a range of personal reasons (mainly due to her past history of abuse and low self-esteem at the time she was in the relationship).

It struck me how very different our two exes were, yet at the same time so very similar in their thought processes and behaviour patterns. One is ‘in your face’ the other a ‘slow burner’ but both are equally as dangerous.

In my own relationship, there were also a great many red flags, but they were subtle enough for me to overlook at first. It wasn’t until time had passed and they built up that they became more obvious. There were lies and inconsistencies in the stories told to me, particularly relating to his past, but nothing that was so sensational, that it became instantly unbelievable. It was gradual.

There was nothing brash, brazen, or remotely violent about my experience. There was no anger, rarely a raised voice (from him) and at no point did I feel threatened by, or scared of, him.

At the time I knew nothing about passive aggressive behaviour and I’d never heard of gaslighting, so I inevitably believed that many of the problems were my own, and for the most part blamed myself for the persistent misery in which we lived.

When I look back now, I see my marriage to a psychopath like being in a psychological slow cooker. The ingredients for disaster were all there right from the very beginning, but it took time for the heat to really build up and the ensuing chaos to erupt. Even when it did, he remained calm, distant, cold and unassuming. A psychopath doesn’t need to be wielding his fists or a weapon to be dangerous. I feel that is a common misconception.

I knew I was on the ‘burner’ from very early on though. I could feel the heat building in the form of my own disquiet, and his growing distance and ultimate disdain. But the ‘light bulb moment’ only occurred at the very end when the whole world was crumbling around my ears.

The first ‘moment’ (as I describe in Web of Lies) came when he took money set aside to feed the children and booked a five star hotel to entertain his new girlfriend in. When I confronted him about this, he told me he felt entitled to a ‘break’ in a lap of five star luxury, despite the fact he knew we had no money to feed our kids. Upon realizing what he’d done, it occurred to me for the first time that the man had serious psychological issues. I knew no normal parent could do that to their own children, so it had to be that he wasn’t ‘normal’. This was the first time I considered he might be mentally unstable.

The second ‘moment’ came after the split when he seriously suggested we divide the children between us as though they were ornaments or assets of some sort. In that moment, when he made the suggestion, I looked into his eyes and saw there was nothing behind them. There was no ‘light’ there. And that’s when I knew I was dealing with a person without feeling or conscience. A person who could not love, or be loved.

After that, things started to finally fall into place, as I began to arm myself with knowledge and get therapy for the damage created by years on the ‘slow burner’.

As Dr David Holmes recently said to me about my books ;

“It’s so important to realise that these people do not visit the doctors and be diagnosed. They have to be identified and exposed by those close to them, which is hard, and anything that makes it easier will limit the damage done”

This is exactly why sites such as Waking You Up are needed to help men and women in relationships with these people to spot the red flags, and enable them to have their ‘light bulb moments’ before it’s too late. These men and women do not walk around with ‘I am a psychopath’ written across their foreheads. Only by learning how to spot the signs, and sharing our experiences, can we raise awareness of this problem in our society.

In some cases, these ‘light bulb moment’s come when we recognize our own frailties and weak points, and realize that we have become a magnet for a certain type of personality. Only by recognizing this in ourselves can we make the changes required to ensure we never allow another one of these people into our lives.

In other cases (like mine) the devil is literally hidden in the detail, and it can take time on the slow burner before we finally acknowledge and accept what we’re dealing with. As I said, the psychopath does not need to necessarily be a physical threat to pose a formidable danger to our well-being . The slow burners are equally as dangerous.

Wake up.

Learning & Looking Forwards......

Happy New year to one and all! May this year bring peace and contentment to all those who seek it.

For the Tate family, we go the year off to a good start. I've finally got the print version of Web Of Lies out. It's been a while coming, and we had some technical hitches along the way, but it's finally out, fully re-proofed and with a new cover for the print copies.

It's still available on smashwords and Kindle where it continues to do well.

From the feedback I'm getting, many of my European readers are relieved to see a print version out though. I think we prefer to have a 'real' book to read in bed of an evening. It's certainly nice as a first time Author to finally hold the finished book in your hand. I savoured that moment for sure!

And to go with the release of the book, there is a new look Homepage as well.

So it's a busy start to the year for me, with a whole round of publicity and marketing to organise and execute. As any writer knows, the work doesn't end when the book comes out - it begins! I'm on a learning curve again, but so far things are going well, and I'm happy with the inroads I'm making as I take my first tentative steps out of the comfort zone of 'Author' and into the uncharted territory of 'Marketeer'.

And amidst all the book promo work, and nine-to-five office work, and let's not forget my primary job as CEO, CCbw( Chief Cook and bottle washer), PEO(Primary Entertainment Organiser), CSG (Chief Security Guard) SFO (Soul Financial Officer) and EHG (Executive Hug-Giver) of 'Tate Inc, Switzerland' There must still surely be time to write another book.

Yes, you heard it, another book!

And this will be the test, because this book will be my first foray into the world of fiction. I know my characters well. They have been living with me for a couple of months now, (mostly in my head, but also on various bits of paper, my dicta-phone & my Iphone!), and in 2011 I hope you will meet them too.

Always learning, and looking forwards. That's my motto for 2011!