Single Mum? Yeah....and PROUD!!

We just returned from our annual sojourn in Italy.

It's not really a big deal, just ten days on a camp-site, by the sea, just the four of us.

We go 'basic'. We take our own food, all our own 'kit' and we 'muck in' together. No five star luxury required!

It's probably the most rewarding and fulfilling ten days of the year that I ever spend. I know I've written about this before, but I just felt the need to re-iterate how very, utterly, proud I am to be a single mum.

The camp-site was full of 'normal' families. Mom, dad, and 2.4 kids. Did we stand out? Yes, we did. We were definitely the only single parent family on the camp-site. Is this a problem? NO!

It's taken me four long years to become truly proud of what I'm doing. It's taken four long years of pain and regret to finally arrive at a place where I can say I'm truly confident that I'm on my own with these kids, and I'm doing a great job!

We are a very solid family unit, and we don't need anybody else. Yes, it's true!

We don't actually NEED that man, that person, who was never going to ever live up to expectations.

He was but a mechanism which enabled us to become what we are now!

Thank you, Mr Tate

Thank you!

I want to thank you now

From the bottom of my heart,

Not for the pain you caused,

Or the lives you’ve torn apart,

I want to thank you now,

For the person you’ve become,

You’ve accepted what you are,

That you’ll never be someone,

The pain has grasped you now,

Biting deep within your soul,

Nothing you could do now

Could replace the lives you stole,

You are a fading shadow,

Of a life which went to waste,

All those opportunities,

Can never be replaced,

You think you have it in you,

The love you clearly seek

, Yet you could never reach it,

For that part of you is weak,

You believed you had a need for it,

A capacity to share,

But sadly now, you realise,

That gift was never there,

You became consumed in self deceit,

In narcissistic thought,

A life of puerile fantasy,

Leaving those you touched distraught,

You tried your best, you think you did,

You believe you gave your all,

But in the end, you brought it down,

Your pride led to your fall,

Thank God you left the best with me,

I have all I’ll ever need,

I’m richer than you’ll ever be,

I’m tainted not by greed,

You’ve taught me who I shouldn’t be,

You’ve changed my view of life,

I’ve recognised my worth, you see,

I’m more than some-ones wife,

And that you’ve chosen now to go,

And live your life your way,

It’s for the best, you know it too,

That’s all that I can say,

You are not able to provide

The things we want or need,

You’re not a man who’s capable

Of helping us succeed,

That task is mine and mine alone,

You know you lack the strength,

The choice you made was wholly right,

To keep us at arm’s length,

I see the wisdom in your thoughts,

The reason why you chose,

To leave us all behind at last,

And draw this to its close,

The choice you made is best for us,

Your one last saving grace,

You recognised we’re better off,

If you vanish without trace,

You know you are not worthy of the gifts that you received,

The lives you once destroyed,

The other people you deceived,

And so, I thank you now, I do,

Though others find it strange, They think it odd, you see,

How my attitude has changed,

But I have learned you must forgive,

The ones you should detest,

So I free myself, forgive you now,

And wish you all the best,

Interview on Dallas Woodburn's blog....

See the blog here Tell us about Web of Lies. What was your inspiration/motivation behind this book? Was it difficult to revisit these memories?

Web of Lies is an emotional rollercoaster which takes the reader on an incredible journey and gives a deep insight into what it’s like to be sucked into the world of a narcissistic psychopath, and moreover, how to escape.

Narcissists and sociopaths live amongst us, yet many people don’t even recognize their character traits and can be easily left distraught and confused thinking that they are the ones with the problem. By telling my story and sharing it with the world, I hoped to help other women (and men) who have fallen for the seemingly endless (yet superficial) charms of one of these individuals. This is not a self-help book, but an honest and emotional account of what it feels like to be entangled in the world of a person whose reality is different to our own. Leading psychologist Dr David Holmes recommends the book to his psychology students as an extremely valuable case study. Apart from being a gripping read, it’s an important book for all those who have suffered in an unhappy relationship.

I had been encouraged by friends and relatives to write down the extraordinary events which happened to myself and the children. I was doing some research on the web about the psychological effects may be for us, when I came across an article on NPD & APD. When I read the article I thought it had been written about my life! I realised then that I had a very important story to tell.

It was quite draining to re-live it all in such detail, and to be honest it was quite difficult to read it all back again when it was finished. The book is of course very condensed, you get six years put into twenty-four chapters, so of course it's more intense than it was in real life. I'm glad I wrote it though, as the feedback I've received has been overwhelming and made it all worthwhile.

What was it like to publish a memoir? Was it a release? Freeing? Was there any anxiety in the publication process? Is publishing a memoir different from publishing fiction?

It was scary. You are laying bare some very raw and emotional events in your life and you don't know how they are going to be received by the readers. There was much trepidation at fist, but it helped that I had a strong belief in the book and it's message. I'd say it has been quite liberating, yes. I know I've helped people, as I get regular Emails to thank me for sharing my story. This has made it liberating for me. It's exactly what I wanted to achieve. I've not yet published my first novel so I can't say if it's a different process.

How did you get started writing?

Web of Lies was my first book, but I've always enjoyed writing and have written poetry and short stories for as long as I can remember.

What is your writing process like?

Computer. I plan out each chapter and exactly what I want it to achieve. I do this in some detail. Then, I go back and 'fill in the gaps'!

How do you get ideas for what you write?

Well, obviously the first two books are based on my own experience so that was easy! My third book is a novel called The Middle Aged Twist -- with this book I have used examples from real life as well as a lot of imagination. I'm really enjoying creating characters and watching them take on their own life in my mind.

What are some of your favorite books?

Anything by Stephen King, Emma Donoghue (in particular, Room), Jodie Piccoult or Patricia Cornwell. I love psychological thrillers or historical fiction, but I'm also not adverse to some chick lit from time to time!

What is your biggest advice for young people reaching for their dreams?

Go for it and believe! Keep trying and never give up. Don't let negative energy from others dissuade you. Remove negative energy from your life and stay focused!

Tom Cruise.....

What more does one need to say? Can anybody watch this video and still think this guy is sane??

I pity him. He's so far up his own backside, he lost the wood for the trees years (maybe even decades) ago.

All I can say it this:

'WELL DONE KATIE!' You finally saw the light, and now you're doing something about getting away from this complete and utter lost cause ( and I don't just refer to Mr 'I am God' Cruise, but also the pathetic and unstable ( yet apparently monied) SECT he represents.

Not least...why does Scientology attract certain typeof person??

For now. I just hope that the little child he has paraded in front of the paps for the first six years of her life (they LOVE to show off what they've 'achieved') finally gets the peace and normality a child of her age deserves.

And for now, I'll happily declare this:

TEAM KATIE ALL THE WAY!!!

To my Dad....I miss you....

The gaping hole you left behind

Has never gone away

Things aren’t the same without you

And we miss you every day

We won’t forget your laughter

Or your wicked sense of fun

Your temperament, your humour

You always were the one

And even though you’re gone now

We smile, although we’re sadv Because we know you’re smiling with us

Happy Father’s day, dear Dad.

Work, Life, Balance....

For a single mum, work life balance is an enigma. We hear so much about it. We read so many articles which tell us how we must have the exact amount of ‘balance’ in between or ‘work’ and our ‘lives’, but was is ‘balance’ and why is it so elusive? A single mum, for most (of not all) of the time, needs to fulfil multiple rolls.

We must be Mummies first and foremost. We must be there for our kids whenever they need us. We need to educate, nurture and discipline them. We must guide them through their childhood and provide a safe and loving environment in which they can feel secure. We must feed and clothe them, teach them manners and respect, as well as ensuring their safety and of course their happiness.

This is, in itself, a full time job, as any mum would tell you. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to be a mum. We all know that.

Then, we have to add that the single mum also needs to be ‘dad’. She not only needs to go out to work and earn the money to keep the family secure, but she also needs to make herself available for extra emotional support when required.

Some lucky single parents get financial support from their ex’s, but rarely is it enough to preclude the need to work, and in many (most) cases, there is no financial support at all, which means that the buck stops with Mum. This is a pretty scary prospect. Not only do we have to provide the food, the home, the clothes, the endless pairs of shoes, all home comforts, the car, the holidays…(the list is endless) but that’s on top of what we already do every day in the parenting role. In order to be able to fulfil the ‘provider’ role as well as the mum role, we need to spend a large chunk of our week at work.

This is time away from the kids, and as any working mum will tell you , this leads to feelings of guilt. No matter how much we try to rationalise it, all working mums feel guilt about leaving the kids (especially when they’re very young).

Regardless of the fact that it’s a necessity, we can’t control our emotions about this, so we learn to live with the guilt. It’s just all part and parcel of being a working single parent.

So, we’ve got 30-40 hours a week on ‘work’ and pretty much the rest of the time on ‘life’ (‘life’ to me is the time spent with the children, or on other activities outside of paid work)

But….on top of the paid ‘work’ and the fun bits of ‘life’ (being with the family) we singletons also have to cram in some time for the mundane stuff, like keeping the house in order, cleaning, shopping, washing clothes, paying the bills and generally ‘project managing’ the family’s entire existence. Because, at the end of the day, being the head of a single parent family is all about successful project management. Most of us have it down to a fine art, or a perfectly executed military operation. Everything requires planning, and managing, if it’s to go smoothly. From organising childcare, to planning holidays, trips, time with friends or relatives, and any and all activities in between. Every detail needs to be considered and planned.

So, where does this leave any time to achieve balance?

The balance is achieved when we have the right amount of time to spend on work and life, but also on some pleasurable activity for ourselves. It can be anything from sport, to a trip to the cinema alone, a meal in a restaurant or even just a coffee with a friend, anything which gives us exclusive pleasure. Ask any single mum and they’ll tell you they have very little time at all for themselves, and when they do, they are so tired all they want to do is sleep!

But you can’t achieve balance without this crucial ingredient, because it defines the lines between work and life. No matter how busy we may be, we MUST find time for an activity which gives us exclusive pleasure. ie. away from the children and the house, concentrating only on us.

I spent four years with no balance at all. Recently, on the advice of good friends and my doctor, I took up jogging again (an activity I have always enjoyed). I don’t get a lot of time to do this, but I’ve managed to put three hours a week to one side EXCLUSIVELY for me. Shock horror!

And, you know, it really works! I run, or if I can’t run, I’ll just go out ALONE for one hour. It’s amazing! Doing this for just three hours a week has added that all important ingredient into my life which was missing before. Balance!

It doesn’t need to be much, but it does have to be exclusively for you, and it has to be away from the home environment. Staying at home for a quiet hour doesn’t cut it, because you need to be away from your everyday ‘life’ to achieve the all-important balance.

Being a single parent is a struggle and a juggling act. We should give ourselves credit for all the hard work we do, and we should most definitely make sure we strive for that essential ‘balance’ which seems to elude us for most of the time.

Try it!!

Breakfast with Books ....Cyrus Webb

One of the best interviews I've done so far regarding my book Web of Lies. Cyrus had read the book and really knew what he was driving at when he asked the questions. The passage he read from the book was not one I was expecting to discuss. This shows to me that he really understood the subject matter.

I can't wait to appear in his Conversations Magazine in July

Thanks again Cyrus, it was a great interview

And readers.....don't forget that we're promoting Web of Lies on Kindle this weekend.......you can download it for FREE!

Writing book reviews...

I have to admit, I don't do enough of this.

That's probably because I don't read enough books, as I'm too busy writing them. If I do write a review though, I always try to make it constructive and helpful, and not just a description of the story. Even worse, one sentence which tells the review reader absolutely nothing about either the book or my opinion of it.

A review should be exactly that, it should describe how the book made you feel, what you thought about the style of writing, and offer constructive criticism to the Author, whilst also offering a recommendation (or not) for other readers who may be considering purchasing the book.

The other day, I received one of the most heartfelt reviews I've ever had. You can read it here

For me, one of the most meaningful sentences of this review is this one

Perhaps, when we know of friends who are lying to themselves in similar situations, we should simply give them this book to read, rather than offer advice that we know they will ignore.

This sentence really sums up the reason I wrote the book in the first place; namely, to help others recognise elements of their own situation, and recognise which aspects of their character are leaving them open to manipulation.

It's a brilliant review, not just because it's a recommendation of my book, but it really tells me that this reviewer has read my words, and understands exactly where I was coming from when I wrote them. An Author can't ask any more than that.

When I review books in the future, I'll always keep this particular idea in mind. There's also some good book review information here

Thanks for all those who have taken the time and effort to read and review Web of Lies so far. I truly appreciate the constructive advise I have received.

Sarah x